Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Can't Ignore The Sibling Fighting? Put Them In The Same Boat.

I recently posted a parenting tip for handling siblings fighting that recommended you walk away and refuse to get involved in the conflict. I know for some of you, the worry is that your children are either too physical, or too young and still need your involvement.  

That's fine.  If ignoring is not going to be a viable tool for you, then let me offer up another method called: "Putting Them In The Same Boot".  This tool ensures that both children involved in the conflict perceive that you are not siding with one over the other.  This method makes sure there is no accidental favoritism that can erode the sibling relationship.  It honors the fact that in any conflict both parties are able to influence the outcome.  Since fighting requires both children to keep the situation hostile and un-resolved, both should experience the same discipline for their disruptive antics regardless of who started it, who had it first, or who owns it.  None of that matters!  If fighting erupts and doesn't resolve so you feel you must step in try, one of these lines: 

"Looks like you two are having trouble being together at the moment, you can both go to your rooms and cool down for 5 minutes." 

"I guess I will have to put away the riding truck until you two can figure out how to share it without fighting.  When you have plan worked out, come get me and I'll give it back."

"If you can't agree on how to take turns on family computer without fighting, the computer will be turned off for this evening. You can both try again tomorrow."

"I am having a hard time enjoying my dinner when your at each other like this.  I'm going to take my plate to the kitchen.  Call me when table is peaceful again and I'll come back."

With both children being put in the same boat, they are now interested in getting their brother or sister to be co-operative with them rather than sustaining the conflict. With this new method, they are invested in not upsetting the other.  Give it a try and let me know it goes for you.  If you've already had success with this method, share your stories! Nothing is more motivating than someone else's success story. 

Ways to Ignore Sibling Fighting Without Condoning or Abandoning

If you watch The Parenting Show or have attended one of my Parenting Bootcamps, you'll know that I often answer parents who ask "how should I deal with sibling fighting?" with the advice: "just ignore it".

That is just one solution and, no, it doesn't mean I condone violence or that I tolerate people being treated poorly. My "just ignore it" advice is based on the fact that most often fights and quarrels between sibs are because they know it will serve to get your attention. 

Fighting is a negative behavioural pattern choice that they both have discovered over time; namely that if they get along, parents tend to ignore them and get busy with their chores and emails and cooking dinner etc. When they fight and cause a kerfuffle however, parents come get involved with them again.  It's THAT involvement they seek and they simply have learned from experience that being in conflict achieves it. Be peaceful - get ignored. Fight, get parental attention.   

My advice is to switch that up! When they are playing peacefully go join them and tell them what good company they are, and when they fight, instead of intervening and policing try one of these lines instead and then walk away:

"I am sorry you are having trouble with your sister - I am sure you two can work it out."

"I am not interested in watching this - call me when you two are playing co-operatively again and I'll happily come join in again."

"I am sorry you are choosing to not get along - I'm going to find something else to do. Come get me if you want to play happily again."

"I can see you are having a hard time playing without getting rough - this is not a fighting house - please take it outside."

"I can't watch people I love hurt each other, I am leaving." 

"I am going to get a coffee, call my cell phone when the house is a peaceful place to be in."