Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Pack A Lunch Your Children Are Sure To Eat

I don't always get the chance to point to articles that I am quoted in, but Mark Wigmore from the Toronto Sun did such a great job of writing up our interview about packing school lunches, including so many actionable tips that I wanted to be sure the information was up on my website too! With the school year just around the corner, this is a timely article to help you get the school year lunches off on the right track.  

Why We Don't Give Our Children Responsibility

I spoke to a sold out crowd of over 220 people at Richland Academy in Richmond Hill.  The talk was about responsibility.  How do we help our children to assume responsibilities? The short answer: GIVE IT TO THEM!

Most families I know do not give their children responsibilities because of one of the following:

• It's faster to do things themselves
• We like things done a certain way so we just do it ourselves
• We don't believe they are capable

and the biggy...

• We don't have a clue what to do when they don't follow through on their responsibility, so we let them off the hook and just do it ourselves! 

When we step in, children learn that they don't need to.  They come to expect that mom and dad are standing in the wings ready to intervene and save them from their rightful jobs.

A great first step would be to simply let our children experience the outcomes of NOT assuming their responsibilities.  If you don't put your laundry in the laundry basket - it doesn't get washed.  If you don't load the dishwasher mom doesn't begin preparing the next meal.  If you leave your mitts on the school yard, you need to dig into your own allowance to replace them.  If you don't get to the breakfast table on time you miss out on breakfast.

What responsibilities are you rescuing your child from assuming?  Why not try to let go yourself and let the chips fall where they may!  Keep you attitude positive and show faith that your child will figure it out the benefits and ways of handle their responsibilities all by themselves.

Allowance Basics

I am often asked:

1. When should children get allowance?
2. How much should they get?
3. Should it be tied to chores? 

Here is my reply:

1.  When Do I Start Allowance?

As soon as they start demanding and tantruming for you to buy them something.  One solution to that candy bar melt down at the grocery store it to say "It looks to me like you would like to start buying things for yourself.  Would you like to have your own money to do that?"   Now you have started an allowance!  The first things your child will begin to learn are simple money lessons: 

• Learning to remember to bring your money along  - "Yes, I see you want a chocolate bar - do you have your money with you? Oh, that's too bad, next time!"
• Learning about giving money and getting change and a receipt from the cashier.
• Learning money denominations:  Four quarters is the same as one dollar. Two dimes and a nickel is NOT more than one quarter, even if you have three coins instead of one.
• Learning money is finite: If you leave the money in your pocket it gets lost in the laundry and now it is gone (don't even THINKING about replacing this parents!!! - what DO you want them to learn about money anyway?)
• Learning how expensive things are - "that costs 6 allowances, this one only costs 3 allowances"
• Learning what's worth buying - "I wish I had not bought that McDonald Toy - I only played with it once." or  mom saying "Yes! you can have that, you can buy it with your allowance" only to hear back "Nay - never mind then....  "

2. How Much Allowance?

I think  the old adage "one dollar for every year" is totally random and silly.  How much you give your child should be based on a budget and that means it takes into consideration your families socio-economic abilites and those purchases your child is becoming responsible for.  The more you move respsonsibility for consumerism over to your children, the more money they will be managing.  You should not be "out of pocket" putting your child on an allowance.  Think of it as transferring responsibility.  As they get better with managing money you can move progressively more responsibility over to them. 

The idea is help them learn about money management little steps at a time, making mistakes and learning along the way so that they are developing life long skills in this important area of life. 

3. Should Allowance Be Tied To Chores?

NO.

Okay - that was a bit too brief of a reply.  Here is my rationale.  Parenting is about preparing children for life.  They need to learn about money and spending and savings and all that good money management stuff.  It is a life-skill.  So - kids get money just the same as you give them food, clothing and shelter. 

Now let's look at chores. We all need to do chores because as a family member everyone is expected to pitch in and help with the running of the shared household. It is an expectation that is part of the give and take of family life.  The life lesson with chores is not only how to learn how to be competent at doing laundry and cooking, but also to teach about living communally:  that If we all support the family, our needs will be met.  We all pitch in to our ability, and we all take out what we need to get by. The whole supports the parts.

When you start putting a dollar figure on every little thing you are inviting a troubling mindset to form.  It is a "what's in it for me" instead of a "we" mindset.

"If I get a dollar for taking out the garbage then what are you gonna pay me for clearing off the table? or for hanging up my coat?"

That is a petty and sad mentality to be nurturing in our children. We want them to learn that they do these tasks simply becuase it needs to be done!  Its not related to money at ALL!   

What will you do when Junior gets a job at the mall or start babysitting and they decide that they don't want to help around the house now becuase they have their own way to earn money?

Too often we use our children's allowance as a way to manipulate them and control them.  If you give allowance and then pull strings and threaten to not give it as as a form of punishment you are missing the point of this exercise.   "If you don't do the dishes you loose money" seems to be the only way parents know how to solve the issue of the child who won't help out.  It's a short-sighted solution. You don't need to go there!

This site is trying to provide ways to parent that represents a paradigm shift away from the external control methods of the past and towards winning co-operation instead. Giving children allowance is part of the positive empowerment process. We need to give children appropriate power, to let them have some say in those things that affect them. This is all a part of the foundational building blocks that, in an additive fashion, will help you grow a harmonious democratic family.

Responsibility Is Not A Dirty Word

(Originally posted February 5, 2007)

I don't often write about my own children but this week on the eve of my eldest daughter turning 13, she made a comment to me I wanted to share.  It was in the morning and she was making tomato rice soup to pack up for lunch.  She said "I am glad I know how to cook - not that making a can of soup is cooking - but I mean, many of my friends don't know how to use the stove or aren't allowed.  I like that I can take care of myself."

Its amazing how hard it is to convince parents that children actually like having responsibilities. They do like to be taught how to cope and manage.   There is a sense of pride and self-esteem that is the bi-product of developing a variety of competencies.  When your child is 18, a legal adult, what skills would you like them to have when they leave your home?  When do you plan to teach them all that?  My daughter will be 18 in 5 years. I have lots to teach her still - but we are well on our way! 

PS - This month I learned how to operate a snow blower.  I get excited learning new things like this.  I recommend if you want to remind yourself how to be a good teacher to your child, try becoming a student again!  When was the last time you developed a new competency?  I'll write more tips on how to be a good teacher to your child soon!  In Adlerian parlance we call it "take time for training" or T.T.F.T

Home Responsibilities By Age

To all the parents of Balaclava school - thanks again for having me in to speak at your school.   I mentioned to a few parents that I had a list of age appropriate jobs and responsibilities that children can do to contribute to the functioning of the family. 

Why do I keep harping on giving children jobs?  Because beleive it or not, children need to feel USEFUL.  In fact, all people have to feel as though they are being helpful and making a contribution.  When a person participates and does a job or gives of their time and talents it creates a sense of affiliation and belonging that is the sticky glue that pulls a group together.  Since the urbanization of society, children have been asked to do less and less for the family.  No more collecting the eggs or milking the cows.  Today's children are often nothing more than inert tumors on the family!  They only experience take take take with out any of the lovely benefits that come from GIVING back in.   Children who have responsibilities to the family develop a sense of their importance, belonging and their self -esteem grows as their competencies grow.  So check it out.  How are your kids doing? 

Here is the check list thanks to Marion Balla of the Adlerian Counselling Centre in Ottawa Canada. 

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR A 2 and 3 YEAR OLD

• Pick up unused toys and put in the proper place.
• Put books and magazines in a rack.
• Sweep the floor.
• Place napkins, plates and silverware on the table. The silver is on but not correctly at first.
• Clean up what they drop after eating.
• Given a choice of two foods for breakfast. Learning to make simple decisions.
• Toilet training.
• Simple hygiene -brush teeth, wash and dry hands and brush hair.
• Undress self - dresses with some help.
• Wipes up own accidents.
• Carrying boxed or canned goods from the grocery sacks to the proper shelf. Putting some things away on a lower shelf.
• Clears own place at the table. Puts the dishes on the counter after cleaning the leftovers off the plate.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR A 4 YEAR OLD

• Setting the table.
• Put the groceries away.
• Help with grocery shopping and compile a grocery list.
• Follow a schedule for feeding pets.
• Help do yard and garden work.
• Help make the beds and vacuum.
• Help do the dishes or fill the dishwasher.
• Spreading butter on sandwiches.
• Preparing cold cereal.
• Help parent prepare plates of food for the family dinner.
• Make a simple dessert (add topping to cupcakes, jello, pour the toppings on ice cream)
• Hold the hand mixer to whip potatoes or mix up a cake.
• Share toys with friends (practice courtesy).
• Getting the mail.
• Tell parent his/her whereabouts before going out to play.
• Should be able to play without constant adult supervision and attention.
• Hanging socks, handkerchiefs and washclothes on a lower line.
• Bringing the milk from the fridge.
• Sharpen pencils.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 5 and 6 YEAR OLD

• Help with the meal planning and grocery shopping.
• Making own sandwich or simple breakfast. Then cleaning up.
• Pouring own drink.
• Preparing the dinner table.
• Tearing up lettuce for the salad.
• Putting in certain ingredients to a recipe.
• Making bed and cleaning room.
• Dressing on own and choosing outfit for the day.
• Scrubbing the sink, toilet and bathtub.
• Cleaning mirrors and windows.
• Separate clothing for washing. Putting white clothes in one separate pile and colored in another.
• Fold clean clothes and put them away.
• Answer the telephone and dial the phone for use.
• Yard work.
• Paying for small purchases.
• Taking out the garbage
• Feeding his/her pets and cleaning their living area.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 7 YEAR OLD

• Oil and care for bike and lock it when unused.
• Take phone messages and write it down.
• Run errands for parents.
• Water the lawn.
• Proper care for bike and other outside toy or equipment.
• Wash dog or cat.
• Train pets.
• Carry in the grocery sacks.
• Get self up in the morning with an alarm clock. Do preparations for bedtime on his/her own and then involve parent.
• Learning to be polite, courteous and to share: respect others.
• Responsibilities like carrying own lunch money and notes back to school.
• Leave the bathroom in order: hang up clean towels.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 8-9 YEAR OLD

• Fold napkins properly and set silverware properly.
• Mop the floor.
• Help rearrange furniture. Help plan the layout.
• Run own bath water.
• Help others with their work when asked.
• Straighten own closet and drawers.
• Shop for and select own clothing and shoes with parents.
• Fold blankets.
• Sew buttons.
• Sew rips in seams.
• Clean up animal "messes" in the yard and house.
• Begin to read recipes and cook for the family.
• Baby sit for short periods of time with adults present.
• Get items ready for a barbeque (charcoal, hamburgers).
• Painting fence or shelves.
• Help write simple letters.
• Help with defrosting and cleaning of the refrigerator.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 9-10 YEAR OLD

• Change sheets on the bed and put dirty sheets in the hamper .
• Operating the washer and/or dryer.
• Measure detergent and bleach.
• Buying groceries using a list and comparative shopping.
• Crossing streets unassisted.
• Keeping own appointments (dentist, school, etc. and making them within bike distance).
• Preparing family meal.
• Pouring and making tea, coffee and kool-aid.
• Planning own birthday or other parties.
• Doing neighbourhood chores.
• Do chores without a reminder.
• Learning to use allowance wisely.

HOME RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 10-11 YEAR OLD

• Earn own money (baby-sit) as helper to adult.
• Able to take the city bus.
• Proper conduct when staying overnight with a friend.
• Packing own suitcase.
• Responsible for personal hobby.
• Able to handle self properly when in public places alone or with peers (movies).
• Responsible for a paper route.
• Borrow and return books to library.

When To Leave Your Kids Home Alone

I was interviewed for an article that ran in the Globe and Mail on Saturday March 11, 2006 (available online but may require subscription). The interviewer asks the top March Break question: How old do your children have to be in order for you to leave them home alone? If you are a working parent, this is a critical question.

I think the topic is important enough that I wanted a fully discussion.

The child's age is not as important as the child's ability to be home alone. There are some savvy 8 year olds that get their kid brothers up, out of bed, fed, dressed and take them by bus to school. I have meet some 14 year olds that I wouldn't trust to be alone for a moment. Age is not the determining factor. You can't train them in a day to be home alone (although I do recommend you check out the courses offered called "Home Alone") It is not a one shot lesson, it is the culmination or the end product of years of training, all the little baby steps leading to more and more ability and independence that is our parenting journey!

Think of what is required:

Confidence
The child needs to have confidence in themselves when they are left alone. They need to believe "I can manage this!"

Developing confidence started the first time you let them cry themselves to sleep, and you had faith they could manage that situation. Confidence you helped them to grow in themselves because you "took time for training" and then "you never did what a child could do for himself" (two big Adlerian concepts).

Problem Solving
Being home alone means potentially having to deal with a crisis on your own. If, say, a flood were to happen, can your child think calmly and cooly? I don't mean they have to know how to fix a broken water line to be able to stay home alone (or else I wouldn't be able to either!) but are they solid thinkers? Are they wise enough to see that the situation needs immediate attention and that they should call you. If they are told you are in a meeting do they have the smarts to ask for your meeting to be interrupted, to explain that it is an emergency, rather than leaving a message.

Problem solving training happens when you have family meetings as part of your family life, and when you look at all situations from a problem solving state of mind instead of through a disciplinary frame.

Respect the Rules
I espouse the use of democratic methods of guiding the child. One of the benefits of this style will payoff when you leave your child home alone. You see the child raised in a democratic home is able to "behave" or respect the rules even when you, the authority figure is away. Children raised in autocratic households tend to only behave when the ruler is around ruling the roost. When mom and dad are gone, its anyone's guess what rules, limits and boundaries they will voluntarily respect.

Children raised using Adlerian parenting principles will be more mature and capable of handling life. That can be a bit scary when you hit the teen years. But - these are real community leaders and if we continue to build our relationships and stay close to our children, even when they want to dye their hair purple, we'll enjoy the incredible humans they are becoming.

If you have any "home alone" stories or advice, please post them in the comment area below for others who may benefit from your parenting wisdom.

Sun Hat Chuckers

We know the effects  of too much sun and understand the benefits of wearing a hat in summer. Unfortunately, for many children the benefit of hats is that they make  good Frisbees. Here is an alternative to nagging (and scotch tape!).

Natural Consequences
While lessons taught by Mother Nature (the "natural laws of living") are the best teachers, they are not suitable if the consequence:

• Is too severe, like heat stroke
• Is too distant, like skin cancer
• Involves many others, like an entire day camp

In these cases we turn to logical consequences.

Logical Consequences
Logical consequences help children understand that there are also "social laws of living”. In order for a logical consequence to be effective it must follow the 4 R's:

• Related
• Respectful
• Reasonable
• Revealed in advance

A simply stated logical consequence for sunhats would be: "You need to wear a hat to be in the sun. If the hat comes off, you need to come inside."

Remember that consequences must be logical to the child's thinking. And the child learns from experiencing the consequence; not from the threat of the consequence, so lectures are not needed.

Take Time For Training (TTFT)
But won't it be too inconvenient to come inside whenever hats come off? A trained child does not need constant correction - correction that is discouraging and often leads to more misbehaving. You will spend more time correcting a child than taking time for training them.

This scenario demonstrates:

When you are getting ready to play in the sun say: "we need our hats on. If hats are off, we need to come in." Play in the back yard.

When the hat comes off, take them by the hand and state: "your hat is off. I guess you've chosen to be inside." Extend your hand to lead them inside.

If they do not take you hand, offer a choice: "can you come in on your own or do you need my help?"

If they resist you can lead them by the hand, stating calmly: "I see you need some help getting inside."

If they repent and ask to stay outside with their hat on, continue inside saying: "Okay, you can try again when we come out to play later." You must follow through on going inside or the consequence is lost.

Mistakes are Opportunities for Learning
The child now realizes they have made a mistake because they are inside instead of out. But, it's okay to make mistakes. They are just opportunities to learn. Keep the situation positive by telling them they'll manage and can try again later.

Drop your parental desire to lecture, moralizing, and remind. These moves hurt the learning process by putting attention on the parent and their actions making it hard for the child to see that this is the result of their actions.

Give them lots of opportunities to try again
Once inside, find a brief activity and then try going out again. You want to give your child lots of opportunities for trying out the consequence.

After experiencing both of these outcomes repeatedly, cause and effect will be learned and your children will decide for themselves that it is better to keep their hats on, without nagging and scotch tape.

Pet Power

I don't often talk about my children, but I want to share our family's success with the care and feeding of two guinea pigs. I think it shows the benefits of applying Adlerian principles proactively.

Use Family Meetings
My children (age 7 and 8 at the time) asked if they could have guinea pigs. I replied, "Sounds like you're really excited about that. Let's put it on the family meeting agenda and we'll all discuss it."

Conflict Resolution ("best for both" vs. "my way or your way")
At the family meeting the girls shared their eagerness to have guinea pigs, and my husband and I shared our reluctance and concerns. Since we require consensus before moving forward, the girls wanted to overcome our objections, which were:

• What is required to own a guinea pig? This will take research.
• Who will care for them while we are away?
• Who will look after the cleaning and feeding?
• Who will cover the costs involved? (Thank goodness we'd established the use of allowance so the children could save the $125 needed)

It took weeks, and many meetings, to get this all lined up. They went to the library. They made trips to pet store to ask questions and make a budget. Finally they reported all the information at a family meeting and we agreed that we had a plan and the guinea pigs could come.

Compare all this learning and skill development to the more common answer, "You'll just get tired of them and then I'll end up looking after them, so forget it."

TTFT (take time for training)
My children then "babysat" a friend's guinea pig so they could experience first-hand both the fun and responsibility of caring for animals. I helped them master the following:

• How to change the cage and get all the filth into a garbage bag, where the garbage bags goes when it is full, vacuuming up the bits on the floor, etc.
• I helped them as they worked to create their own feeding schedule (daily before school) and a cleaning schedule (weekly, as part of our family house cleaning routine).

Encouragement
Then, I shared with them my supportive and encouraging belief that they could handle this awesome responsibility for the survival of another living creature. They were mighty proud.

Natural Consequences
While doing our research we talked about the natural consequences of not caring for these animals. Things like the smell of a dirty cage and how starvation and dehydration lead to death. Both girls demonstrated great empathy and agreed that this would be wrong and hurtful.

Logical Consequences (state what you will do, firm and friendly)
I let them know that I would not remind them of their responsibilities or get involved in anyway. But if I came across an animal that was being neglected whether in our house or on the street, I would have to take the animal to the Humane Society. I said I hoped that they would have the same good judgment if they saw an animal in misery.

Mistakes are an Opportunity for Learning
Sure enough, there have been a few mistakes. Instead of pouncing on my kids with a morale lecture or quickly whisking the guinea pigs to the Humane Society after the first skipped feeding, I used my parenting energies to help guide them to see how mistakes could be viewed as learning opportunities. "What's not working with feeding them in the morning? How could you devise a solution to remind you?" In this way I am helping, but I am NOT taking over their responsibilities or robbing them of the chance to develop problem solving skills.

Modeling
I hope my children have seen in me approaches to people, life, and problems that they will emulate. I hope they feel our family life is one that is respectful and filled with genuine care and concern for their wants and desires. I hope they know they are social equals in our home.

(Snowy and Blackie continue to live a comfortable life in a large cage in downtown Toronto.)

The Case of the Forgetful Child

Tired of replacing lunch boxes that get left in the school yard or lost in the lunch room? Do you wonder why your child isn't more responsible in looking after their possessions?

Well, this issue presents an interesting paradox:

Children are not responsible because parents have not yet giving them responsibility, and parents have not yet given them responsibility because they see their children are not yet responsible.

Getting the lunch box to school

First, let go of this responsibility yourself:

Two people cannot be responsible for the lunch box -- give it up so you free your child to pick up this responsibility.

"Never do for a child what a child can do for themselves"
- Dr Rudolph Dreikurs

Stop carrying their lunch bag around the house, to the car, across the school yard. If they ask you to, reply positively with one of the following:

• "That's your job"
• "Your lunch box is your responsibility"
• "You are capable of looking after that yourself"

Natural Consequence
If you notice they have left their lunch box on the floor -- proceed without it. If they see you are no longer concerning yourself with their lunch box and you don't remind them or pick it up for them, they will either run back for it or go hungry for a few hours. Now there is motivation to not forget your lunch box!

Mistakes Are Opportunities To Learn
If they complain that they forget their lunch and were hungry, don't lecture and moralize about the mistake. Instead stay future-focused and let them know you have faith that they can handle this and ask: "What might help you remember tomorrow?"

You can help them brainstorm: "Maybe a note on the door? Or maybe put your lunch by your coat?"

Getting the lunch box home

State What YOU Are Willing To Do
Explain (in a kind tone) "Your lunch box is your responsibility. I am willing to buy you one a year, but after that you will need use your allowance to replace it if it gets lost. If that is not how you choose to spend your savings, you can always just pack your lunch into a plastic bag. You decide what works best for you, but I am no longer in charge of your lunch box. I know you can manage that on your own, you are very capable."

This should come across as a way of showing a vote of confidence in them to be responsible. This is NOT a demonstration of being so fed up that we've thrown our hands up and said "that's it I've had it!"

Good luck! If you master the lunchbox it should spill over to mittens and scarves!

The Dawdling Toddler

"I hate the battle I have every morning with my toddler while trying to get him to turn off the TV, put on his coat and boots, and get out the door. I can't be late for work and I just get angrier until I blow up. I always end up feeling terrible about how I handled things. Any suggestions?"

Most parents deal with this type of dawdling the same way - by nagging, threatening and lecturing: "let's go" "come on - we're late" "we don't have any more time" "look, I've had it, I can't be late, and you are making me angry" " I'm leaving without you."

"After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done." - Unknown

Would you be willing to give up the expectation that your children should blindly obey your commands, and instead look for ways to stimulate their motivation to be co-operative?

Here's one way...

Tool - Offer Choice

Mom: "It's time to go - can you turn off the TV on your own or do you need help?

[Tip: Given a choice of them or you - toddlers usually choose doing things for themselves.]

Child: (ignores mom)
Mom: "I see you need help" (mom turns off the TV)

[Tip: The child's behaviour expresses their choice - NOT their words.]

Child: I wanted to turn it off!!!
Parent: That time has come and gone, you can choose differently next time

[Tip: Children will go back on their choices and pull your chain - don't let them succeed. They will learn to choose what they want the FIRST time if that's all that is put forth.]

Child: But I wanted to!
Parent: I am sorry you're disappointed with your decision. Now it's time for coats.
Child: NO! I'm not putting it on!!!
Parent: You need a coat with you. Would you like to wear it or carry it in a bag? You decide.
Child: NO!
Parents: "No coat" is not a choice. Would you like to decide or should I?
Child: NO!
Parent: Looks like you'd like me to decide - let's put it in a bag and head to the car.
Child: No! I am not going.
Parent: Yeah, I hear that you don't want to, but sadly, its time to go now . Can you walk to the car on your own or do you need help?
Child: I'm not going!
Parent: I see you need help, I can carry you then (picking up child).
Child: Put me down!
Parent: Oh - I see you'd like to manage on your own - that's great! Let's go.

Strategy

TTFT (Take time for training)
This will all be new to you and your child. You will need to repeat this scenario again and again while your child is learning about making good choices for themselves.

Things Get Worse Before They Get Better
Typically with change, things get worse before they get better! Hang in there. You may get tantrums (ignore them) instead of dawdling for the first bit. It means a big upfront effort in order to gain mornings of PEACE for ever after. It's well worth it.

Keep a Firm and Friendly Attitude
Don't let you emotions take control of the situation.