Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert: Parenting Resources

Parenting Resources

Sue Johanson's Recommendation For Sex Ed Books

How great to have Sue Johanson, Canada's sex guru on The Parenting Show today! Yes, she has as much energy and enthusiasm off camera as she does on. Hard to believe this Order Of Canada recipient is 80 yrs old! (I think I am allowed to tell people that.)

During our discussion about how parents should talk to their kids about sex, she mentioned two great books:

Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?

and

Peter Mayle's What's Happening To Me?

Sue has more resources on her website too. I also mentioned two great bookstores for parents for any / all topics: ParentBooks and Caversham book store if you're looking for books on more psychological-type issues.

Happy reading!

Rainbows Lecture Series Presents Marc Kielburger - Tickets Go FAST!

Marc Kielburger

Chief Executive Director of Free The Children

Compassion, Courage and Community

How the "Three C's" can change you, your
family and the world

Monday, May 25th 7:00 pm
Barrie Central C.I. - Auditorium
125 Dunlop Street West
Barrie
Tickets: $15.00

Nothing is more exciting than having your passions overlap. That is just what happened when Rainbows Canada picked Marc Kielburger to be their speaker this year. Tickets are on sale now, and I am taking my children who think Marc and Craig are rock stars. And they are ... the stars of getting youth excited about social action and changing the world.

You and your children will come home changed people. I promise.

Marc along with brother Craig, co-founded Free the Children. My daughter is attending their leadership academy this summer for the second time. At a time when positive role models can be hard to find, plugging your children into this world wide youth movement is just awesome.

The ticket money supports the work of another great organization Rainbows Canada, a charity I have been involved with for several year, whose mission is to provide peer-to-peer support to children facing loss and grief due to parental separation, divorce or death.

Order tickets here and see you there!

Dynamic Life Partnership - Marriage Class At Yonge and Summerhill

My good friends, mentors and fellow Adlerians Georgine and Dr Marty Nash teach a marriage enrichment class that every couple should take. If you were looking for a good "add on" to what you've been learning with me, you should check this out. Class starts April ~~9th~~ 16th so act fast!

Stressed by Parenting? Relaaaaax......

If you have ever met me in person, you'd know I am an ahhh "energetic" person. I don't find it easy to sit still and relax. Yet, as a psychotherapist I know all too well the critical importance of staving off stress if I am to maintain my mental and physical health.

Meditation, mindfulness training and reaching a state of "flow" have become well accepted mainstream ideas now that brain research has validated what humans have long known and practiced for centuries.

What is new however, is research that the brain wave patterns associated with relaxing can be induced through auditory stimulation. Yup - I can listen to a series of clicks and clacks at specific frequencies ( 8 - 13 hz for alpha brain waves associated with mediative states) with headphones and my brain can be taken to a relax state for me! No yogi training needed. This is called brainwave entrainment and it a god-send for parents and children a like. If you think you maybe a short wicked type of person who tends to snap at your kids, why not visit fellow Adlerian clinician Cathy Lumsden's site. She has the full explanation of the brain research as well as the downloadable tracks to your MP3 player (or order a DVD). Check it out.

Take a Parenting Style Quiz

Dr Michael Popkin is an Adlerian friend and colleague. He teaches and writes about parenting under the brand "Active Parenting". He offers great on-line resources for parents including a parenting style quiz. Check it out! Ask your partner to take the quiz too and see how you compare.

Parenting With ADHD

Last week on The Parenting Show we had adult clinical psychologist Dr David Teplin as our guest. Dr Teplin discussed the challenges of parenting when the adult has ADHD. The stigma of having ADHD is diminishing as people learn that many great people manage well with ADHD; people such as Albert Einstein and John F. Kennedy or more recently, TV's Tye Pennington and olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

Dr Teplin reminds us that because of the genetic component, its often the case that ADHD parents are raising ADHD children and problems of the "fit" between parent and child can lead to some tough interpersonal challenges and parenting problems. Alas - change begins with awareness. Dr Teplin wrote me:

"The most recent research on Adult ADHD lists these 8 criteria as being the most significant in differentiating ADHD adults from Non-ADHD adults. Note, however, that having these does not infer a diagnosis, and many other clinical disorders, medical conditions, or mild head injuries can also present this way/mimic such symptoms. This can only be made by a mental health professional, and in conjunction with numerous other data points, and informants..."

Here are the 8:

1=Often become easily distracted by irrelevant things that arouse their interest

2=Often make decisions impulsively

3=Often have difficulty stopping activities/behavior when they should do so

4=Often start a project or task without reading or listening to directions carefully

5=Often show poor follow through on promises or commitments they make to others

6=Often have trouble doing things in their proper order

7=Often drive with excessive speed

8=Often have difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or leisure activities

9=Often have difficulty organizing tasks and activities

*Such behaviours also have to interfere significantly with their educational activities, job or occupation, and their social life

Besides getting a proper diagnosis ( ahh - and not from your doctor by the way. You need to see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist) and working out a plan of action, why not check out one of these book that Dr Teplin recommends to his clients:

Delivered from Distraction

You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy

What Does Everybody Else Know that I Don’t?

Raising a Boy? You MUST See Barry MacDonald Speak in Richmond Hill

I have an important announcement for anyone who is raising a boy: Barry MacDonald, the guru of raising boys, is coming to speak in Richmond Hill and tickets have just gone on sale. What can I say, Barry is a fabulous speaker. For years I have been telling parents about his book Boy Smarts, his website and newsletter.

My good friend, colleague and RnR Parenting founder, Sonia Nicolucci and I are co-sponsoring Barry MacDonald's upcoming talk. He is coming from his native British Columbia to speak to our local families. We know everyone can benefit from his incredible message. Why not take this chance to see him in person?

"Barry MacDonald's compelling presentation is one of the best I have ever seen. He offers a framework and an array of strategies that will indeed make a tremendous difference in the lives of boys. He should be heard by every educator and parent."
Dr Avis Glaze, Former Ontario Education Commissioner

His last talk was sold out quickly, so I suggest your get your tickets soon!

Here are the details:

When: Wednesday April 1st 2009

Time: Lobby opens at 6pm. Doors open at 6:30pm. Talk from 7pm - 9pm

Where: Richmond Hill Center for the Performing Arts (10268 Yonge Street, Richmond Hill)

Early Bird: $15 tickets until March 15th

Regular: $20 tickets

At Event: $25 tickets (only if available - last event sold out in advance)

Buy tickets online or by calling 905-787-8811

If you like, here is a flyer to post at your school, daycare, nursery or work place.

Parent Effectiveness Training Book - Dr Gordon

Here is the book I recommended on The Parenting Show today. Its a great general purpose book on raising children.

Research and Links on Why Spanking Is Harmful

I am a supporter of the Repeal 43 committee which is fighting to improve the spanking laws in Canada. It is still legal to strike a child in this country. The committee just emailed me to let me know they've got a new updated website. If you are looking for information on line to convince your spouse, in laws, or others that spanking is NOT OKAY, you'll find lots of information, research, links and organizations to help you win the argument. Why not join them in their crusade?

Tele-Conference Class for Parent Educators

I know that there are both parents and professionals who visit my site. If you are a parent educator, this message is for you! If you would like to learn more about self-promotion and how to market your parenting classes and workshops, then have I got some great professional development news for you!

Dina Emser, ( who is fabulous, might I say) is teaching a 5 week tele-conference series for parent educators on each of the 5 Monday evenings in March. You can get the details and register ( $125 US) with Dina at dina@dinaemser.com

Website for Parents With Babies Who Cry Alot

I get lots of emails from parents of babies who are fussy, colicky, hard to settle, can't seem to easily fall asleep or stay asleep. These parents are pooped and searching for ANYTHING to make things better. One such resource for parents is fussybaby.ca. Check it out and let me know what you think.

The Journal Of Individual Psychology

If you enjoy reading the tips about parenting on my site, you should be aware that my training is in "Individual Psychology" which was created by Alfred Adler. The Journal of Individual Psychology is our academic journal.

Topics for the upcoming years journal are:

Integrating lifestyle, the therapeutic process adn the stages of change
Mens' resistance to seeking help
Positive Psychology and the Constructive Goals of Human Behaviour
Early recollections of children diagnosed with with reactive attachment disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder
Emotionally focussed couple therapy and Individual Psychology
Resolving power struggles in love and marriage
Integrating the crucial c's in the games couples play
Couples and eating disorders: an individual psychology approach
Recreating sibling relationships in marriage

The quarterly journal is $50 for individuals and $108 for institutions. If you are interested in these types of topics and want to receive the journal, contact:

University of Texas Press
Journals Division
Box 7819, Austin Texas 78713-7819

Review of "The Last Normal Child"

Renowned Adlerian, William Glasser calls the DSM (Diagnostic and Statstical Manual of Mental Disorders) "The Big Red Book Of Unhappiness". Adlerians do not embrace the now popular quick-and-dirty DSM diagnosis followed by fast pharmacotherapy. Too often meds are used as a bandage to mask symptoms with no attempt at resolving the underlying issues.

Apparently Leslie Diller author of "The Last Normal Child - Essays on the Intersection of Kids, Culture and Psychiatric Drugs" is of the same opinion.

Here is a review in the American Journal of Psychiatry that every one should take a moment to read. We live in a culture that gives infants anti-depressants if they cry too much, and we are massively over-dosing our children with amphetamines to calm them down and get them back into their school seats. I hope this makes you take pause and think about ADHD and other diagnosis with more skepticism and appreciate the complex factors that have lead our culture to this point.

Fantastic Adlerian Website

I love the web! I am so excited to be able to link to a colleague, Bob Hermann-Keeling's site where you can get the complete low-down on Alfred Adler's personality theory (called Individual Psychology). I encourage you to dig around and read if you'd like to learn more about yourself, your marriage, your children and the ideas that guide my parenting advice.

List of Encouraging Words and Actions

Encouragement is one of THE most important concepts for parents to understand. All misbehaviour stems from a child's feeling of discouragement and the "prescription" or "cure" or "prevention" of misbehaviors comes from parents learning to be encouraging to their children. Encouragement is NOT praise. Praise is simply a reward that is verbal in nature. Praise is doled out by some person who stands in judgment of another's actions, who only recognizes the completed and perfect work of another. Encouragement on the other hand is non-judgmental. It conveys the message that you are fine just the way you are, and gives recognition to a persons willingness to try and to improve and to be helpful and useful.

Encouragement is not just words, but also thoughts and actions. Here is a list of ways to be more encouraging that is from a hand out created by the good folks at Kinderschool Adlerian Nursery School:

Encouraging Words

you're capable
I'm glad you are here
you can do it
keep on trying
go for it
you figured it out
you worked really hard
your input is appreciated
what will you do?
that showed a lot of courage
thank you
you can think for yourself
what do you think we should do?
it's okay to cry
it's okay to make mistakes
thumbs up
how do you feel
thanks for your help
you're lovable
good speaking up
tell me about it
you're trustworthy
I trust you to decide for yourself

Encouraging Actions

Vanier Institute Nails Emotional Intelligence

If you want to read an excellent and very thorough overview of where we are at with emotional intelligence as it relates to parenting, character development and academic performance, then check out this paper from the Vanier Institute of the Family.

In this paper they acknowledge The University of Toronto Institute of Child Studies (ICS) laboratory school as one of the most progressive and successful schools in the world. I have had the pleasure of coming to know this school through some teacher training I have done, as well as presentations to their active parent community and I couldn't agree more. They are doing really wonderful work. I had my own children on the waiting list to get into this school when they were young.

Although not mentioned by name in this paper because they are under the radar of typical researchers, I would also like to point out that the North Toronto Early Years Learning Center where I've consulted in the past, uses all the good EQ information outlined in this paper. And of special mention too is Kinderschool Adlerian Nursery School where I first learned all my skills as a teacher and parent educator so that I could help foster that same style of approach at NTEYLC. Newer to the fold is Foundations Private School in Aurora where I also consulted and conducted parenting classes. They included EQ as a core part of their program with the help of myself and my colleague Julie Weiss. The transition was met with great enthusiasm by staff and students alike.

Also mentioned in the paper is the need for universal rather than targeted parenting education classes. We all need parenting skills, not just those educationally or economically disadvantaged. They reveal that:

only 1/3 of parents are using an democratic model of parenting (the approach they deem as being the best)
1/3 of parents could benefit from increasing their positive and warm behaviour with their children
1/3 of parents could be more effective in their child management
More than 6 out of 10 parents of young children could reduce their punitive and angry behaviour with their children.

I hope you'll consider taking the time to read this paper, and look into a parenting class.

Anger in the Family

I just received this email:

I need some information on how to help my 8 year-old son control his anger. For example, hen his friends were teasing him today about liking a girl he told them to stop but then just kicked the heck out of the lockers. Can you suggest a book to read to learn some new tools for him.

I am glad that he hit the lockers instead of his friends, clearly he has good judgement and control. The nature of anger is an important one, and I think all families that have to deal with anger, be it with the children or the parents, could benefit from reading Calming the Family Storm.

Siblings Fighting Here's The Book For You

A while ago I gave a talk for the folks at Ernst and Young, (who gave me a lovely picnic blanket as a thank you gift by the way). I was very impressed with their family-friendly flexible workplace. Even the partners can work a three day week!

I was there talking during a lunch-hour seminar about misbehaviour. During the question period we got onto the topic of sibling rivalry. You can't have a room full of parents and not have this issue come up!

I recommended a book called Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book not only has good content, but it is written in an easy to read format with cartoons that offer up great language you can borrow. Okay so I can't reproduce the cartoons in frames to give you full effect, but here is an example from the book that I refer to frequently:

Instead of worrying about giving equal amounts...

Child: "you gave him more than me"
Parent: "I did not. I gave you each four"
Child: "but his are bigger!"
Parent: "no they are not. I made them exactly the same size"

Focus on each child's individual needs.

Child: "you gave him more than me"
Parent: "are you still hungry?"
Child: "a little"
Parent: "would you like a half a pancake or are you hungry enough for a whole?

If you have more than one child, this is a must read.

A Great Book On Why You Should Love ADD

Last night I attended the pre-party and launch of Dr. Hallowell's latest book "Delivered from Distraction". He is the world leader in ADD and ADHD research. As a an adult with ADD and raising two children with ADD, he speaks personally and professionally to the topic.

Dr Hallowell explains how terrific it is to have "a Ferrari brain" if you can figure how to use your gift. He shares that if you look at adults with ADD, they are either the most successful or the biggest failures. Guiding kids to harness the natural way their brains work rather than the old "just try harder" approach is the key that will make the difference. His book shows you how.

I agreed with every point he made last night. It was refreshing to hear a Doctor speak out against the predominantly pathologizing view of ADD. He joked about those who have "attention surplus disorder" and felt that those with ADD where blessed and won the lottery! It was a wonderfully entertaining and inspiring event. I encourage you to grab this book and give it a read.

My Parenting Bible Is "Children the Challenge"

If I had to recommend only one book to parents, "Children The Challenge" would be the one.

Children the Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs is still the most comprehensive book on understanding children and how to guide them. Albeit written in the sixties, the explanation of principles of human behaviour and how to deal with misbehaviour is amongst the best found anywhere.

Childrenthechallenge This book has been cited as one of the most influential books of the last century, by the US Library of Congress. Although written for parents, it was still the text of choice used for studying child guidance when I was working on my masters degree in counselling.

The book is fat, but don't let that throw you off. It is actually a very easy read because the book is filled with real-life vignettes you will easily identify with. Then eureka you come to understand what is truly going on with your child as Dr Dreikurs reveals the dynamics of these situations and offers solutions.

I have read this book many times and recommend it as a must-read for every parent.

If you've read this book - please post comments so others can hear your views on the book too!

"Parent Talk" By Stan Shapiro

Monday The Parenting Show, I recommended the book Parent Talk written by one of my teachers and mentors; Stan Shapiro.

Sorry, I can't seem to get the book cover image to load. What I like about this book is that it provides 50 quick solutions to 50 common parenting challenges. Each issue is spelled out in exactly the way you should be walking through these issues in your head. And ALL Adlerian - Fabulous!

...