By Liza Finlay
(Originally published in the print edition of Today's Parent, March 2003)
"Frazzled moms and dads are turning to coaches for help with everything from tantrums to bedtimes. Do they deliver? Liza Finlay reports on the newest trend in parenting advice."
Mary Ellen Ledbury was beside herself. Her infant son had been crying, non-stop it seemed, for six months and tonight was no different. Then her three-year-old daughter, clearly miffed over the new arrival, started to cry. But not just any cry. No, this was the sort of high-pitched, piercing whine that, quite apart from peeling paint, can also strip away a mother’s resolve and push her to the very brink of madness.
"We needed help - badly," says Ledbury, an elementary school teacher from Richmond Hill, Ont. "My husband and I were zombies. And worse, I felt so guilty all the time. I couldn't settle my son and my daughter felt she wasn’t getting enough attention. I didn’t know what to do."
So Ledbury got help. She got a parenting coach. And she got her sanity back - as have many other overwrought parents. Parents like me. Mary Ellen Ledbury and I share more than an intolerance of whining; we also share the same coach.
Coaching itself isn’t new; executives and athletes use them to polish their performance. But the application of coaching skills to such mundane issues as, say, life - well, that is new, and the use of coaches by parents is newer still.
The International Coaching Federation - the largest and, arguably, most reputable professional coaching association - was formed in 1992 and officially chartered in 1996 out of a need for structure and governance over a rapidly growing body of members. In Canada, the ICF has over 300 registered members. Of these, roughly half are called, in coaching parlance, life coaches, dealing with parenting and other issues. But if membership numbers had been rising steadily since the mid-90s, in the last two years they have exploded; more than half of the Canadian contingent of ICF coaches received their ICF designations in the last 24 months.
"People want to reach bigger and better goals," says Judy Feld, president-elect of the International Coaching Federation. "And they want to reach them quickly."
Coaches, unlike psychotherapists, do not get involved in protracted analyses of why a troubling situation exists, but rather how it may best be resolved. They don’t spend time rooting around in the past, but focus on the future. Scheduled on the telephone at the parent’s convenience, coaching sessions save on time. It’s quick and dirty and delightful to time-deprived parents like Mary Ellen Ledbury.
"I was simply at the end of my rope," she says. "When she wasn't whining and crying my daughter was constantly asking me to role-play. ‘I’ll be Belle and you be the Beast, Mommy.’ I was so drained, but when I didn't go along I felt so guilty. It was easier just to comply with her demands — which, of course, made the situation even worse."
Working closely with her coach, Alyson Schafer, Ledbury was able to diagnose the problematic behaviour (attention seeking) and hatch a plan that both parent and child could live by. "Our strategy was to have a special time each day reserved just for my daughter and me," says Ledbury. "She got to choose the time she wanted and what game we played within that time. It worked like a charm. It was so simple, really. Once Alyson helped me sort out why my daughter was acting this way it was much easier to create solutions. But I couldn’t have done that without Alyson. I was just too close to the situation."
What Schafer gave Ledbury was perspective. "When you are smack up against a tree, your coach is in a helicopter seeing not just the tree but the entire forest," says Schafer, a mother of two who trained at the Adler Institute of Psychology and has recently been granted ICF designation. "The solutions are usually quite simple when seen from that elevation. Most of my clients come to me because they feel stuck. They feel bankrupt of ideas. As coaches, we hold up a mirror and reflect a client’s goals and values back to them. And then, with the right questions, we can determine the hurdles that are blocking them from achieving those goals."
For coaches like Schafer and Terry Carson, director of the ICF’s greater-Toronto-area chapter, three months is all it typically takes to turn a series of unsettling parent-child problems around and to help a faltering parent re-find her footing. "If it takes longer than that, there’s a larger problem at work," says Carson. "Either the parent has some underlying issues and should be referred to therapy, or the coach-client chemistry is off."
Not every client is as satisfied as Ledbury. Carson recalls situations in which marital strife prevented effective coaching and she referred the couple ot counseling. Other times, something as simple as personality differences can result in ineffective coach-client relationships.
Because the coaching phenomenon is a relatively recent one, coaches remain largely ungoverned. "Anyone can say they’re a coach just like anyone can say they’re a consultant," says Judy Feld. "It’s a problem" - especially when clients typically pay $50 per half-hour session.
It’s a problem the ICF is trying to manage. The federation now demands that its members agree to comply with a set of ethical standards much like a therapist’s and will sanction those who fail to comply by stripping them of their ICF designation. But membership in the ICF is voluntary; many coaches, some good and some bad, do not have the ICF designation. "It’s really a case of caveat emptor," says Carson. "Parents need to be rigorous about checking references and always demand one free coaching session to assess skill level and suitability."
That suitability centers mainly on the chemistry between coach and client. "Strategizing solutions is one part of the coaching process," says Carson, "but a bigger part is providing ongoing support - cheering on successes and helping a parent feel she is not alone with whatever the trouble is."
In fact, the glut of parents seeking the strategies and support of paid coaches is not surprising to outside observers like Bob Glossop, spokesperson for the Vanier Institute of Family in Ottawa. "Parenting today is more challenging than it ever was in the past," he says. "Parents are left on their own and that’s unique to this culture and this period of history. In other cultures and in other times, such an important job would never be left to the idiosyncrasies of one person."
Furthermore, points out Glossop, few parents choose to turn to their own parents for advice. "We don’t parent the way they did. That leaves most parents feeling extremely isolated.’
In this context, says Glossop, coaches can fill a void for parents. "Coaching is a formal way of turning to community, really, of getting clear messages and support. But it’s important to get a good one and that means stopping to ask the hard questions: Are they trained? Are they any good?"
I had come to dread dinnertime. Seated around the dining table, my partner and I conducted broken conversation as we coaxed bites into our two-year-old, clucked our tongues as he threw scraps to the dog and, finally, chased him around the room after frequent escapes from the table. I was resentful - of the time I had wasted preparing a meal my child wasn’t eating and the lost opportunity to connect with my mate.
"It sounds like mealtimes are important to you," Schafer said when I told her about the problem.
"Yes, I believe it’s a sacred ritual for families," I replied.
"OK, so if that’s a boundary for you, what would you like mealtimes to look like?"
"Harmonious and calm."
"For how long?"
"Half an hour?"
"Is that a realistic expectation of a two-year-old?"
"No, but when he’s done he could play quietly while his father and I finish."
"Sounds like a plan."
"It does?"
It did - at least, the beginning of a mealtime peace plan that my coach helped flesh out over a 30-minute telephone session. We agreed that I would tell my son, Liam, that he was welcome to leave the table and play whenever he wished, but when he did, his plate would be removed. That was step one. My son didn’t like step one much. He was mad when he saw his Lion King plate being scraped and loaded into the dishwasher. But Schafer encouraged me to stick with it. By the third day, Liam learned the mealtime limits for our family and stayed seated until he was finished eating. Then he played independently while his father and I completed our meals.
A dysfunctional dinnertime pattern had been broken - quickly and successfully. And quite apart from cherishing the relative peace of the dinner hour, I gained renewed confidence in my own ability to parent effectively.
My problem was not unique - disharmonious dinners, along with battles over bedtimes, homework and siblings, top the list of troubles brought to coaches by parents. What is unique to coaching is the process by which resolutions are reached. Coaches are trained to listen hard and then ask hard questions designed to unlock new insights and ideas.
Mary Ellen Ledbury called on Schafer to help her resolve an ongoing sleep problem. Every day just before dawn, Ledbury’s three-year-old daughter would stomp down the hall to her parents’ room and demand they play with her.
"My goal was to get more sleep," says Ledbury. "But I didn’t know how to make that happen."
Schafer asked Ledbury three questions: What is a reasonable hour to start family time? What kinds of things could your daughter be doing while waiting for family time to start? What kind of training will your daughter need to abide by this plan?
"It was easy, really," says Ledbury. "I told Alexandra that we weren’t available for play until 6:30 a.m. I spent some time teaching her what 6:30 looked like on the clock and then I asked her what she’d like to do while she was waiting every morning."
The plan succeeded. In three days Alexandra learned to amuse herself while she waited for the big hand and the little hand to meet on the six. And her mom got some much-needed rest - and a more-needed shot of self-confidence.
Terry Carson says parents typically have the answers to their own problems. "A good coach will just lead them in the right direction. In fact, the best coaches are the ones that quickly work themselves out of jobs. It’s ironic, really. The better I become as a coach, the less employed I am."
Alyson Schafer agrees. "My goal is to help my clients learn to diagnose their own problems and create their own solutions so that they won’t need me anymore - except for occasional support."
Occasional support is all Mary Ellen Ledbury now needs. As life, and her children, evolve and new needs arise, she telephones Schafer for fast, half-hour sessions. But those check-ups are becoming more and more infrequent as Ledbury’s own skill level improves. In fact, bi-monthly calls are all she really needs. Her family life is harmonious and, most importantly, she’s getting a good night’s sleep. "One morning I woke very early and I heard the sound of pages turning. It was like music to my ears. I think that was just about the happiest day of my life."
Sidebar: Is a Coach Right For You?
Coaches can help solve a range of parenting problems. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, a parent coach might help you:
- Are parenting issues starting to interfere with other areas of your life? Are you missing work? Are you unable to concentrate?
- Do you feel unsure and isolated - like you have no one to turn to?
- Do you have conflict with your spouse over differing parenting styles?
- Are you in a changed family situation (newly blended family, newly separated family)?
- Is there a specific issue at hand (new school, new baby, tantrums, hitting, bullying)?
- If you feel a family problem is part of a deeply rooted psychological illness, a psychotherapist is a better bet.
Sidebar: Finding a Coach
Weekly, half-hour coaching sessions cost $200-$300 per month, although after the first month most coaches make themselves available on an ad-hoc basis at $50 per half-hour session. To find a coach, the Internet is your best tool. The International Coaching Federation has a referral service at icf.com.
When interviewing prospective coaches:
- Check references — be sure your coach has a history of happy customers
- Ask for qualifications and training
- Demand a free coaching call to ensure that your personalities mesh
- Be sure your coach has had a coach; the best coaches understand what it feels like on the other end of the phone
- Some people may find it easier to relate to a coach who has kids of his/her own, although all coaches are trained to listen and empathize.
Reprinted with kind permission of the author.
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