Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Overcoming "Booby Traps" to Breastfeeding

Pediatricians recommend exclusive breast feeding for the first 6 months of life.  What they don't tell you is that most women are also set up to fail. In the US, only 12% of babies are being breast fed to 6 months, and many mothers stop breast feeding after only a few days or weeks. In fact, this same study also revealed that only 40 % of women reach their own personal breast feeding goals. Eh gads, that means 60% are plagued with that yucky mother guilt! Lets face it, there are a lot of barriers to success, which have been aptly named "Booby Traps" by the Best for Babes Foundation.  Their web site it full of resources that help moms overcome the hurdles that get in the way of breast feeding.  And, they also support mothers who choose bottle feeding too.  All moms have to feed their babies and no mother should feel badly about it.

Move YOU, Not Them

Lots of parents rely on "time outs" as a discipline technique.   I don't mind time outs, if they are applied the Adlerian way.  However, I want to offer up an alternate solution you can add to your parenting tool box that can help when time outs are not working:  MOVE YOU INSTEAD.  

I don't mean the ole "mommy is going to put herself in a time out to calm down before she acts badly".  I am referring to impacting the dynamics by excusing yourself from being the audience of your child's disturbances.  If you have a child who is a power house, you'll only make matters worse if you try to remove them from the dinner table for a time out when they start acting up.   

Try this instead:  "I'd love to stay and have dinner with you, can you calm yourself or do I need to find another place to eat?"  If they continue on, simply say "when things are calm and I join you again".   Take your plate and calmly move yourself to eat in another room.    

The idea is that you can't MAKE them use table manners and be calm, but the benefit of using our society rules for meal sharing is that people enjoy eating with you.  Because children are social creatures, they do want your company and will be intrinsically motivated to adopt our table customs because they benefit from your company.   

Remember, when things are calm and you return to the table, its by-gones! Don't discuss their behaviour, just get on with engaging positively.    

Co-operative table behaviours - everyone together.    Disturbing table behaviours - mommy goes.    They'll figure it out quickly, sans fights and lectures.

The Slow Eater

Last night I spoke at a fabulous Adlerian nursery school called the North Toronto Early Years Learning Center.  During the Q & A,  I had several parents who wanted to know what to do with their child “the slow eater”.  

Slow eating is a great example of how children can engage in a power struggle with their parents.   Usually we think of power struggles as fighting with an explosive defiant child who is up in your face.  Less obvious are those children who are quiet pleasant resistors.  Being lazy, sloppy and slow are equally powerful, but parents don’t recognize this power tactic as easily.   Instead we are apt to fall for their sweet bumbling innocents, believing this is somehow the child’s temperament or personality rather than the child’s choice of behaviour

So why choose to eat slowly?  Well, gee, look at some of the potential benefits we inadvertently bestow:

1. Perhaps it leads to you spoonfeeding them.  How powerful and superior to have a servant!
2.  Do you allow your slow eater to take their breakfast bagel in the car to eat on the way to daycare?  Car rides are less boring when you can nosh along the way, especially if you get yummier food choices in the car, maybe even drive-though!
3. You let them eat in front of the TV
4. Or perhaps you offer up the 1 & 3 combo; you shovel in their breaky while they sit in their little foam plushy chair in the family room, distracted watching Thomas the Tank while you act as a human feeding tube.
5. You sit like a hostage at the table believing you must stay with them and urge them to eat if you want anything to be consumed.  If you go upstairs to get ready yourself you fear they’ll just stare at their food rather than eat it.
6. You offer them a constant stream of food all day in hopes of making up for slow and potential under eating at mealtime.

Now, imagine you stopped providing the above services?  For breakfast, you can simply set out breakfast and let them know you will be clearing the table at say 8am.  You can give a 5 minutes heads up, or set the timer on the stove to ring at 7:55,  then stand back and let the chips fall where they may!   If they have only managed to eat 3 bites of cereal, so be it.  At 8am you removed the bowl of cereal and simply state with no rancor “ It’s 8am breakfast time is over”.    If they flip out ( which they will the first day),  you can be empathetic “sorry you ran out of time today”.   Nothing else is requited.  Shhhhh. Say nothing else!  I know that is hard, but our talking doesn’t help and in fact hinders.

At suppertime when you don’t have the same time constraints of getting out the door to work or school, they can stay at the table as long as they wish.  That is their choice to make. However, you are free to choose too.  You are free to excuse yourself and get on with whatever you had planned for the evening.  Slow eaters use this to ascertain “special one-on-one time with mom” keeping her to themselves and away from other siblings.

After a few days your child will figure out that if they would like to ensure they have enough to eat, they should eat faster during meal times.   In this way, the child makes the adaptation to their behaviour rather than the parent adapting the rules and changing boundaries to accommodate the child.  Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school.  When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves.   If  you’d have had success with this technique share your stories in the comment area to help motivate other nervous parents to give it a whirl.

The Nightly Fight: "Wash Hands Before Supper!!"

It's proper etiquette and good hygiene to teach children to wash their hands before coming to the table.  There are actually two parts to this lesson: The learning to wash part, and then getting them to actually do it before coming to the table.  

The first is the easy part:  The "how to wash your hands" lesson is just one example of helping our children develop skills and foster autonomy.  It's the second lesson that mystifies parents; now you know they CAN wash their hands but they WON'T.  Each night find yourself having to remind them, yell at them, or sometimes you even resort to doing it for them.  

Children usually refuse to wash their hands because they don't want you bossing them around with your "orders".  They perceive that you are exerting your personal power over them when you say "go wash your hands".  I know - it wasn't your intent to be all controlling, you were only concerned with enforcing good hygiene and etiquette. Sorry, but we parents don't come off that way to our children.  They get instructions most of their day!  Its off putting to them.

We can reduce the likelihood of stirring up a power struggle by using a "when ____ then ____" statement.  It looks like this:  "When your hands are washed, then I'll know you are ready for supper".  Said this way, the child is in control of their choices, while the parent is in control of maintaining the social order of the household.   They are NOT telling the child what to do - but simply stating that cleans hands are a requirement of eating.  Notice how different that feels from hearing " If you don't wash your hands, you don't get dinner".  Ouch. That statement is a threat! The power resides with the parent, and it invites resistance and rebellion.  

Try a simple when ___ then ___ statement and don't waiver on the wording.  Let me know how it goes!

Getting Children To Stay At The Table

Today, I was speaking at Research In Motion ( RIM) in Waterloo about power struggles. During the Q & A after my talk, an attendee asked me: "How do you make them stay at the table?" I get that question a lot. While many families no longer force their children to eat (horray!) they might require them to stay at the table until everyone is done. Except, they fail at actually getting them to stay!

Do you demand attendance at the table until the end of the meal? Do you scream at your children: "This is family time, dammit, and we are all going to sit here and love one another even if it kills us! Now get your butt back on your chair mister".

I love the idea of family meal time and think its important to "break bread" together. But forcing children to stay at the table will not achieve that "happy family" time you aspire to create. Instead you'll get whining moaning and other misbehaviors that sabotage your efforts. We don't want to invite power struggles.

Instead of making attendance mandatory, I suggest you excuse anyone who wants down, and then work to create a fabulous family dinner atmosphere that attracts your children to come back or to stay. Stop harping on about what they are eating and the crap that happened at school. Instead "socialize". Its a dinner party!

Can you stop "parenting" long enough to just enjoy the company of your children? That is what its about isn't it? Here are some ideas for questions that you can use to get the conversation rolling. I promise - you'll draw a crowd with these:

1. What is your all time favorite movie and why does it have special meaning for you?
2. What is your favorite book? what in it has personal meaning for you?
3. What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
4. What is the silliest thing you have ever done?
5. What is something you hate to do? What do you hate about it.
6. If you could be a super hero or fictional hero / heroine, who would you be? why?
7. Do you like your name? if not what would pick instead?
8. How do you feel about nick names? Know any good ones? What would you pick for yourself? Why?

These are just a few ideas to replace the ole "do you have homework tonight?" or "when are you going to write that thank you card to grama for your birthday present?" Gee, I'd be running from you too!

If you have a good dinner table vibe going - share with others what makes it happen for you.

Kids Cooking in the Kitchen

Today on The Parenting Show we discussed food issues.  Well - I have long discussed including children in the preparation of meals. My children both know how to use the stove and will freely make a grilled cheese or mac and cheese.  But this week at our family meeting, my children decided that rather than the chore of cleaning the kitchen after I cook supper,  they would like to be responsible for preparing the family meal instead as their form of contribution ( aka "chores").

Zoe my eldest (13yrs) is cooking dinner every Monday and Lucy (12yrs) is cooking Wednesdays. 

Today being Monday we started:  Zoe wanted to make one of her favorite meals:  veal marsala, roast potatoes and green beans.  I bought the ingredients and printed off the recipes.  She turned on her music and did the entire meal from start to finish with only my verbal instructions and a whole lot of singing and visiting in-between.

She also set the table ( don't you want your food to look nicely served?) and then --- when everyone was called to the table Zoe announced " I have lifted my fork! you may begin." and with a huge grin she said " I have always wanted to say that!".    Her meal was fantastic, and we had to ask her to lift her head off her plate and SLOW down from inhaling it !!!!   

She asked me to teach her how to BBQ next week.

I grabbed a binder and copied the recipes into her own binder so her collection of foods she can cook grows.

It was a great night - AND I didn't have to make supper!   

If you have a success story you would like to share, please use the comment area so we can all hear about it. 

Watch Alyson Discuss Table Manners

Why READ a post about table manners when you can just watch me talk about them! Here is a snippet from an appearance I made on the Gill Deacon Show back in February 2007 discussing how to train our children around table manners and eating out.

Refuses to Eat Lunch At School

I had an email from a mom this week who had a little guy starting kindergarten that refused to eat his lunch at school.  At first she was very concerned but then she realized that he might be doing this for attention because he would keep talking about it. Wisely,  she began ignoring it.  The question she had for me was what to do about his request to eat the lunch she packed when he got home from school.   Should he be allowed to eat from his lunch box at 3:30pm?  OR - do you use the whole "the time to eat has come and gone - you made your choice at lunch time - now you need to wait until dinner"

What do you think?

Let him eat it?
Make him wait for supper - the logical consequence?

This is a question for all you out there that have taken my course or who have been studying Adlerian child guidance practices.  Its also the kind of question that keeps us working with the theory all the time. Can you see it both ways?

So do you want the answer I gave?

I start always by trying to step inside the mind of the child and find out the usefulness of the behavior.  I believe the boy was refusing to eat lunch as a kind of hunger strike, hoping that it would maybe get him withdrawn from kindergarten.   Which of the 4 goals of misbehavior is that?

• attention
• power
• revenge
• avoidance

I think the boy has a goal of power in his hunger strike. Often eating, sleeping and toileting is where children discover they can make a bid for power because parents can't control the child's biological functions and kids like to remind parents of this!

If we agree that there is a power struggle between mom and the kindergarten student, then apply a logical consequence is NOT recommended.  Why? because so often when we use logical consequences as a discipline technique we inadvertently do so in a way that is simply a camouflage to wielding our autocratic power over our children and it backfires! 

Repeat - do not use logical consequences for dealing with power struggles!

So what do we do instead?  In this case, I would recommend that if mom's goal is to end the power struggle so her child will eat at regular times, the best way to get him eating like the rest of society is to make a non-issue out of it.  The fighting over lunch eating needs to end.  I say, let him eat his lunch when he gets home, and I predict that in a few days when he sees that mother doesn't care about either his hunger strike or his after school eating that he will commence eating lunch at school like everybody else. He stands to gain nothing by doing it any other way.  NOT eating at lunch is no longer making a statement that anyone cares about.  Who would sit hungry and NOT eat if there was no benefit to be gain? Mom's lack of concern over her child's eating schedule will more quickly allow him to adopt a regular one.   Insisting he eat at school and not at 3:30 will add fuel to the fire of this fight and no doubt create the opposition he enjoys. By trying to manipulate his choices by a consequence only serves to further the power struggle and will actually delay his interest in adopting regular eating habits.

It might feel permissive to you, to allow the child to eat their lunch at 3:30 - but I think it will not be for many days if you have ended the power struggle.

Great questions - keep them coming! We all learn from others and that is what this site is about.

Dining Out - Reining In Restaurant Terrors

"Sit up. Sit up. Sit up! Quiet please, others are trying to enjoy their night out too. Quiet! Turn around on the bench. Stop hitting your sister under the table. Leave the condiments alone. What are you doing now?"

If you are tired of nagging your kids when out at a restaurant for a family meal, try the following experiment.

Step #1 - TTFT (Take Time For Training)

Play restaurant or have a tea party at home as a fun instructional way to learn about eating out manners. Ham it up and have fun with being all "proper". The best time to teach is not "correcting in the moment". Instead, work ahead to set expectations and model the behaviour you'd like to see.

Step # 2 - Plan Ahead

Plan three trips to kid-friendly restaurants. The sole purpose of this event is to teach and train. Do not carry an expectation of staying for the meal. In fact it is best if you go expecting to leave each time. Be ready to ask for the cheque and put full plates of hot food in take-out bags.

Step #3 - Logical Consequences

Explain to the kids that you like to go and use your restaurant manners just like they did during your imagination meal and ask if they would like to do that as well. Be clear that if people don't use their eating out manners it means you'll have to leave. Ask again if they would still like to go.

By doing this you are applying a non-punitive method of discipline called a logical consequence. A logical consequence has the following attributes:

R - Respectful
R - Related to the mistaken behaviour
R - Relevant to the situation
R - Revealed in advance

Step #4 - Encourage Expected Behaviour

Go out to eat! Appreciate any little thing that is done on-task. Plan ways to engage a conversation or doodle on place mats together. Stay social and busy in positive ways.

Step #5 Choice

If misbehaviour begins, offer no warning, threats, reminding, or nagging. Simply provide a choice; "Can you calm yourself or do we need to go?"

If they continue, it's time to leave.

Step #6 - Follow Through, But Stay Cheery

In a firm and friendly way, leave the restaurant as you had stated you would.

No need to get mad, lecture, or be disappointed. All these actions take away from the lesson you are trying to teach and reduce the chances that the child will see how they have single-handedly spoiled their own fun. An irate parent deflects the attention to them and the child can "blame" the situation on their parents being "unreasonable".

Step # 7 - Mistakes are Okay

Assure you child that it's okay and that you can try it again next week.

Step # 8 - Don't Give Up

Eat out again and repeat until your child decides that it is a better choice to use his manners rather than misbehave.

Good luck and happy eating.

Panicked Over Picky Eaters

Is your child a picky eater?

• Will your child only eat one or two foods or  food groups?
• Is their idea of a wide range of food every thing from french fries to tater tots?
• Do they push away anything resembling a vegetable?
• Do they love anything that comes individually wrapped?

Are you the parent of a picky eater?

• Do you worry your child might suffer from lack of nutrition?
• Do you serve different meals to different family members according to their eating preferences?
• Do you eat your own dinner after your children have eaten because you want “adult” food?

If you answered yes to any of the above I have some thoughts for you:

Most parental concern is about the picky eater's health since they appear to lack nutritional balance. I suggest that their primary concern should be the life lessons that catering to a picky eater can inadvertently teach.

Parents take their job seriously when it comes to the basics of life and tend to get very busy when it comes to their child's eating. This concern results in parents giving in to kids' demands in the name of nutrition and avoiding starvation.

But consider for a moment how truly rare hunger and malnutrition are in North America. Malnutrition in the form of vitamin deficiencies is almost completely unheard of in affluent developed countries that have processed breads, cereals, and milk with essential vitamins and minerals added as a public health measure. And humans can go seven days without food. While extended time without food is not recommended, a few hours of waiting for a cracker is not going to be the end of anyone.

On the other hand, sharing food is an essential part of family living and a child must learn how to live as part of a whole, and understand that others have their own individual tastes and preferences too. Sharing and cooperating within the family builds the child's understanding of how to cooperate in a world where not everyone can have their way at all times.

So look at picky eating as an opportunity to rid your child of the mistaken belief that the road of life bends to their path. Instead, work with your child to find cooperative solutions.

Dealing With Picky Eaters

Keep A Record
Parents think kids are not eating because they don't eat at meal times. I suggest parents write down everything their children eat for a week before commencing this plan.

You will probably find that there is plenty going in outside of set meal times. It is all the form of juice bottles, raisin boxes, Dunkeroos, and gnawed on bagels eaten in a car seat. These "snack-meals" are displacing meals served at the table. Kids learn to not eat meals at the table and instead choose to wait to eat “snack meals” instead.

Create Routines
The first step in helping your child be a co-operative eater is serving meals and snacks at predictable times. For young children, three meals a day plus a mid-morning and a mid-afternoon snack (and I mean just a nibble) should do it. If you offer some fruit before bedtime you can feel secure that your child is being offered an opportunity to fuel their bodies healthily every few hours.

Not Eating Is A Choice
If you have made and served good food, your work is done. It is a child's responsibility to eat from the choices served.

Some children will choose NO food from the table, as they may feel everything is yucky. That is okay. They can excuse themselves. You can wrap up their plate and pop it in the fridge.

Don't concern yourself or make a fuss about what they eat at meal times. Let the natural consequence of hunger do the teaching. Hungry children will eat.

Picky eaters don’t usually get a chance to experience true hunger – their parents jump in too fast and save them through catering to their preferences or compensating with big yummy snacks. Avoid this by following the routine and order without exception.

If your picky eater complains of hunger after the meal you can offer them to eat from their wrapped up plate in the fridge at any time.

Offer Limited Choices
Parents can control the choices by only buying and offering good healthy food choices. Kids can't sneak and demand food that is not there.

Offer More Choice Through Planning
If your child refuses to eat what is served and demands their own preferred food - they are giving you their input on meal choices, which is okay. But when the meal is on the table is not the appropriate time to influence the meal plan. Stick with the meal plan and do not make alterations or offer substitutions.

Instead, include your child in planning the family menu so they can pick days everyone eats their choices. You are showing them that you will be okay eating their grilled-cheese sandwich dinner and in return they will have to live through eating your meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Everyone has some give and take in the family.

Don't Make Me Late

Is your child's dawdling making you late for work? While your whole morning routine might benefit from an overhaul, today we'll just focus on a few ideas to help you get your tot in motion.

Lead, Don't Push
Do you urge your child from behind? Not sure? It looks like this:

"Hey, it's time to get dressed" (and you're in your PJ's)
"Come on, it's time to get in the car" (and you are still looking for misplaced keys)

Your child knows you are not completely ready to go, so why should they be? In fact, they find that you're pushing and urging is rather bossy and coercive. This invites the child's "resistive response", better known to us as dawdling.

Dawdling is the behavioural expression of the verbal expression "you can't make me", and it is resistive power at its finest.

I suggest that instead of pushing try to lead by keeping your focus on yourself and what you should be doing instead of being overly concerned with what others need to be doing and trying to control them.

You'll find that for ever action you make to hurry them, they have an equal and opposite reaction to NOT be hurried.

True power comes in deciding what you will do!

Offer Choice
Here's how a morning may unfold:

Parent: "It's getting dressed time"

Tip: This statement simply informs your child of where in the morning routine people are. It is not coercive as "get dressed" can be.

Child: "No!"

"If you'd like to get dressed now, I'll stay and help or keep you company. But if not, then I'll see you for breakfast. You decide."

Tip: If they keep dawdling they are showing you that they are choosing not to get dressed, so you can leave the room.

When____ Then ____ Statement
When your tot comes to find where the heck you went (since dawdling doesn't work without an audience) and they see that you are eating breakfast you can let them know:

"When you are dressed then I'll know you're ready for breakfast."

Let Routines be the Boss
Make a set time that breakfast is available, say from 8:00am to 8:30am. After 8:30 am, no more breakfast, the kitchen is closed till lunch. It is a parent's job to serve healthy meals and snacks. It is the child's job to get in line with the family order.

Apply a Natural Consequence
The natural consequence for not eating is being hungry. Nature does the teaching by creating hunger pains. A child only need miss breakfast once or twice before they learn to move themselves in ways that get them to the table dressed the next time. A few missed meals and discomfort will go a long way in saving you from the mental scars of screaming at your child all morning long.

Tip: It is the experience of the consequence that teachers the child, not the threat of a consequence. They need to experience hunger so they can decide that they don't like it!

Eat, Sit, And Be Merry

Here is the situation a mother recently described to me:

Her daughter would take one bite, and jump down from the table. Mom would put her back and she just kept jumping down again. Next mom would follow her around offering her dinner off her plate to eat while she played. When her daughter refused dinner, mom would make her favorite food out of fear that she would starve if she didn't eat something!

Pretty extreme - but it makes the point that all behavior serves a purpose. This child has learned that you don't need to be at the table to eat, that you can get your mother to serve you your favorite food and spoon feed you while you play. Her mother is trying to be a "good mother" and make sure her child is nourished. But her approach is problematic and she is bankrupt of ideas of what else to do.

Here is a strategy:

Routines
Establish routines. Decide exactly when meals and snacks are offered, preferable as a family. Your job as a parent is to provide healthy food choices at consistent and predictable times. Your child's job is to make sure they get enough in their tummy to hold them until the next meal.

Apply Logical Consequences
A logical consequence of getting down from the table is the assumption that when one gets down they must be done eating – so their meal is removed from the table.

Mom: "We need to be at the table for eating. When you get down from the table, that tells me you are done."

Firm and Friendly Follow-Through
Refers to what you are going to do – not the child. You have stated that you will take their plate, now you must do it in a friendly matter-of-fact way.

Mom: "Oh - I see you're done." (say nothing else)

Common pitfalls for parents:

1. Giving some kind of "look" as they get down from the table that tells the child you have an "opinion" about their decision.
2. Stating the consequence over and over again thinking the child didn't understand (they did!) in hopes that you won't have to follow through with taking the plate away.

Remember - children learn from experiencing consequences - not from the threat of a consequence.

Natural Consequences
The natural consequence of not staying at the table and eating is hunger. Parents often unknowingly interfere with the learning by making food available at other times to compensate. Stick with the pre-set routine! Let your child learn to move their behaviour in-line with the social order: eating at the family table at family dinner time. This is the essence of co-operation.

Language tips to get you through:

Child: "Cookie!"

Mom: "I hear that you are hungry, but lunch time has come and gone, Our next time for food is snack. I am sure you will manage to hold on until then."

Child: "No, cookie - pleeeeeeeeeeease."

Mom: "You are really listening to your body, that is a great thing… Is it saying 'feed me'?"

Child: "YES."

Mom: "Sounds like you are learning about how much that tummy of yours needs. Tomorrow you could try to have a bigger lunch and see if that holds you longer. Till then what could you do to help quiet your tummy? Maybe get distracted, or give it a rub? Snack is in an hour and I am sure you will make it." (NUF SAID - any more and they'll learn to enjoy the special attention of this topic).

Try it out for a week before going to your in-laws for the holidays and let me know if your child managed to "eat, sit and be merry!"

Speak to your doctor if you are worried about the amount your child is choosing to eat or the nutritional balance. My rule of thumb is: if you only serve healthy food, and they are not lethargic, everything is probably fine. We tend to grossly overestimate how much children need, and we underestimate how many calories we pump into them in the form of juice.