Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Watch Alyson Discuss Table Manners

Why READ a post about table manners when you can just watch me talk about them! Here is a snippet from an appearance I made on the Gill Deacon Show back in February 2007 discussing how to train our children around table manners and eating out.

How Can I Make Her Listen?

"My 3  year-old daughter will not listen to me. She won't even respond  to a simple request like "would you like orange or apple juice?" It's  so annoying. I have to repeat myself and stop what I am doing and  go right over to her and stand in front of her. Sometimes I even  grab her face to make sure she is looking at me as I speak. If  she is like this at three what will sixteen look like?"

Purposefulness of the Behaviour
I sense that your daughter enjoys the extra attention she receives from you through your constant reminding and repeating. She likes that you are "staying busy" with her over the "listening issue".

It also appears the situation may be moving into a bit of a power struggle as you go from being a bit annoyed to actually feeling angered by her silence. This power struggle is seen in your going to her and taking her by the face to make her listen.

Eliminating Payoff
We don't want children to learn that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" lest they also learn to be squeaky! In other words, don't give any attention to the misbehaviour. If you do you'll be training your child to misbehave in order to get your time and attention.

We want the exact opposite of this. We want to stay engaged and give our attention when children are acting in ways that we'd like to see more.

How do you eliminate payoff? First, stop repeating your requests. It is the child's job to listen and they will if they know there is no additional time and attention forthcoming. And remember that "no" is also a decision. If they don't answer you can assume they don't want anything you are offering.

Here's how this might play out:

Mom: Would you like apple juice or orange juice?

Daughter: (no response)

Mom: Would you like to pick your drink or should I?

Daughter: (no response)

Mom: I see you'd like me to pick (serves the daughter whatever juice she picks)

Daughter: YUCK! I didn't want orange juice, I wanted apple juice.

Mom: Sorry you don't like my decision. You can decide for yourself next time.

Daughter: NO, NO, NO. I want to pick.

Mom: I am glad you want to pick for yourself, but the time for choosing has come and gone. You can decide for yourself next time.

Daughter: (sobs)

Mom: I see you're disappointed, but I know you can handle it. Let's see if we can find something fun to do together shall we?

Be Both Firm and Friendly
Listen to yourself when you are making requests of your child and notice your words, tone, and body language. Are you being friendly when you are following through with firmness? If you are having trouble with this type technique it may be that your child perceives your requests as being dominating and controlling. Keep it firm and friendly.

Worn Out By Whining

Toddlers are wonderfully  creative. In fact, they have to be. They stand only a few feet tall  have limited verbal abilities and comparatively no muscle strength.  They are not yet old enough to fend for themselves and rely on adults  for their care and survival. It is a testimony to their brilliance and creativity that they ensure their security and connectedness to  mom with the ultimate technique: whining.

The Purpose of the Behaviour

Toddlers whine for attention and to keep us in their service. It looks something like this: "stop whining" "enough already" "use a regular voice" "oh fine, take one more cookie, but then I don't want to hear anymore whining!" It is a regular non-stop conversation with a pre-verbal child and they can wear you down with its tone and persistence.

Strategy

If we want children to stop whining for attention we have to stop attending to it.

In order to deter this attention seeking behavior we must solve two challenges:

1. Ensure that the whining proves "ineffective" in getting our attention
2. Show the child that we will give our attention, two-fold in fact, for behaviour that is appropriate and not demanded of us.

Ignore the "Undo Attention Seeking Behaviour" - but not the child!
You may know this as the old adage "separate the deed from the doer". Our task is to ignore the whining but not the child. That means we can stay fully engaged with the child but eliminate all the "noticing" of the whining that comes in the form of commenting, reminding, nagging, coaxing, and lecturing about their tone.

Decide what you will do
If you want your child to ask for things in a pleasant voice, you can gently and calmly tell them that you don't respond to whining. If they would like something, you will respond to pleasant requests only.

Action not words - follow through
You never need to repeat that you don't respond to whining, just demonstrate and live out this new "social order" by responding to pleasant voices and being non-responsive to whining. Your toddler understands from your actions, not your words. Honest!

Do the unexpected
Since whining is meant to trigger an interaction pattern (they whine, you respond with nagging, they whine some more) you can break the cycle by doing anything other than the expected response. Hugs and humour are always a good choice when trying to bust up an entrenched interaction pattern. Next time they whine, ignore it and instead ask, "would you like a hug?" or start a spontaneous tickle fight. See how it goes.

Remove the audience
Remove yourself. No need to say anything, just go. Walk out calmly, not in a huff.

Never do for a child what a child can do for her/himself
Give the gift of responsibility. Help your children be less dependant on you and less demanding of your services by training them to be responsible and independent. Teach them how to get dressed and fetch a cup of water when they are thirsty. The more they accomplish on their own, the more they will feel empowered. The more they feel empowered the less they will require or wish for your "services".

Notice positive attention-seeking
Make sure that you make mention of the behaviour you do like to see and find ways to connect with your child in meaningful ways instead.

Coping with Innocent Lies

"My 4 1/2 year old has taken to lying. Generally I think the lying is to impress. The last lie I caught her in was telling me (and more importantly her teacher) that she'd read a WHOLE book the previous evening when she'd only read about 20 pages.

She also frequently lies about having completed tasks as simple as flushing the toilet or cleaning her room. I usually cope with that one fine (I think) saying, "Now if I were to go check in the bathroom, would the toilet be clean or dirty?" to which she usually scampers off and flushes it!" - June

Purpose of the Behaviour
June, you started with your idea of what purpose the lying serves: to impress. Bravo! I hope all the regular readers now know that this is where we must begin in order to make sense of and correct our children's behavior.

"The behaviour you see is not the problem. It is the solution to the problem the child perceives they have."
- Betty Lou Better and Amy Lew

I emphasize this because I don't want parents to think that a child who uses lying as a technique or strategy is going to grow up to be amoral or dishonest.

Modeling
The best way to teach your children not to lie is to model honesty.

Always be truthful to them. Don't say "the cookies are ALL GONE" when they aren't. When they catch you in a lie (and they will) your credibility is shot and you've modeled and condoned lying as a strategy to solve problems!

Always be truthful to others. Many children see their parents lie to sales clerks, their grandparents, police officers, and others. When parents say "just say you're six so we can pay the child's fare", or "no Ma, we can't come for dinner, Ashley has a cold", the lesson is learned.

Encouragement
Respond positively to the behaviour you do like. Notice and thank them for their honesty. "Thanks for telling me you spilled the paint - that must have taken a lot of courage. I am angry that we have a big mess, but I am glad you told me and I know together we can handle this problem."

Faith
Children move in line with our expectations. Always assume they have told the truth. Parents feel they have to be vigilant about "not letting them get away with it." Not true.

If they said they flushed the toilet, say nothing. In fact, don't even ask! Assume the best even if you are suspicious. Don't go make a special trip to the bathroom to confirm your suspicions. Just make sure you follow through the next time you happen upon the toilet. "I see you have a job to do" teaches the child that lying to avoid flushing is an ineffective solution. (It is common for youngsters to hate the scary noise of the flush when they are there alone).

"If You Hit, You Sit"

(or "Yes Virginia, there is an Adlerian time out")

"My 18 month old hits when he is playing with friends during play dates. I’ve told him again and again that it is not nice, and that it hurts, and to use his words. I am thinking I will try using a time out. Do Adlerians even believe in time outs?"
– Virginia

Yes, Virginia there is an Adlerian Time Out
Virginia – you are on the right path. Yes, Adlerians do use "Time Outs" as they are really just a version of a logical consequence IF applied correctly – however I work with a lot of parents and find that they rarely are.

"If you hit - you sit (out)" is a great short and snappy way of remembering and offering this logical consequence that meets the requisite 3 R’s: respectful, related and revealed in advance.

The consequence must be logical to the child: "If you choose to play co-operatively you may stay here with your friends. If you choose to hit, which is unsafe, you must go somewhere else because we need to feel safe when we play together. When you decide to play without hitting we would love to have you back"

In non-punitive Adlerian time outs:

1. Of utmost importance: the length of time is decided by the child. Whenever they decide to choose to play without hitting they can come back.
2. The emphasis is on participating in the group with safe pro-social behaviours that meet the needs of the situation. It is about safety and other ways to problem solve: not about being "nice" or "not doing what you’re told" which is all about listening to authority figures.
3. I recommend not using the phrase "time out" as it is has a negative connotation with children.
4. I recommend the child stay close to the fun they want to get back too rather than hiking all the way to their bedroom. You want the children to be motivated to quickly decide to act differently and come back ASAP.
5. Do not have a time out chair/area – that introduces a stigma which is punitive, and speaks to having negative expectations for the child’s future behaviour. Very discouraging.

"One minute of time-out for every year" (often recommended by time-out proponents) is NOT a good method. If the child decides they want to come back and there is still time on the clock, they’ll spend the remaining time building resentment and anger, and the child may seek revenge.

TTFT Take time for training
Virginia – you had some great lines. I also use:

• "Our hands are for hugging and holding" (invites the behaviour we want to see)
• "It is not okay to hit people. We need to feel safe when we play." (be clear, not angry)
• "You need to speak up and use your words – not your hands." (help start problem solving through verbalizing)

Once you have said these once – YOU ARE DONE. They are bright, they heard you. After all, how many times did you have to tell them that cookies are kept in the cookie jar on the counter?

Offer Choice: "Can you stay and play safely or do you need to go?"

Follow Through: "I see (because you keep hitting) that you need to go" and guide them to the side of the room or someplace neutral on the sidelines of the action out of the centre of the action.

Action Not Words: Once they’ve been in this time out once, you can just take their hand and guide them to the side. No words needed.

Firm and Friendly: Watch that body language. Stay calm and composed. Your emotions, disapproval, or exasperated looks interfere with the learning.

Remember: When they choose to come back – that is fine.

"Hi – I am glad you’ve chosen to come back. It’s more fun when we play all together."

Tip: Don’t go overboard with this noticing. If you do they may decide that is enough payoff to encourage them to get themselves into time outs just so they can steel the show with a grand re-entrance! And this does happen.

Virginia – I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

Share, And Share Alike

The holiday season meant the arrival of new toys. Many parents get upset that their children don't want to share their toys. Here are some things to help:

Practice the Golden Rule
When your child receives a gift it becomes their personal possession. A toy truck may not seem like a big deal to you, but in a child's world that truck is as valuable and important as your new car. Respect their right to choose not to share.

Encouragement
We can only build on strengths. When you see that your child is sharing; or if someone is sharing with your child, make mention of how that sharing is beneficial and helpful. Notice that sharing can make for even more fun. Ignore or down play when they are deciding to be "less generous".

Planning, Order and Routines
Ask your child to put those special toys that they would prefer not to share in their private place - usually their bedroom. Toys left out in a common area are for common use. Everyone can share these toys.

Offer Choice
"You may bring your truck out of your room and share it, or play with something else in the play room – you decide".

Apply Logical Consequences (logical to the child about social living)
The logical consequence of wanting to play with a special toy (one that you don't want to share) is that you must play with it in your private room. Many children find this boring, and would prefer the company of others - enough so in fact - that they may decide it is a better decision to share and have a playmate.

TTFT (Take time for training)
Children need to learn the social graces of sharing. Spend your parenting energies on training rather than correcting and disciplining!

Work with the children to show them how to ask for turns and work collaboratively as the children work through some simple problem solving such as:

• Agreeing on how long one person's turn should be
• Determining a way to know when a turn is over

In the end, a children who feels a sense of control and security over their possessions will actually be more willing to share them than if you snatch them away and tell them to "be a nice boy and share or else..."

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream

Brenda writes: "I would like to see a solution for screaming. My daughter does it all the time. She is 4 years old."

Principle: All Behaviour Serves a Purpose
In order to understand how to deal with your daughter's screaming we need to understand why she does it. How does it serve her? What's the payoff?

I’ll guess it gets her your attention: "Stop that, your hurting my ears" or, she uses this (mistaken) approach to get her way, "okay, okay, but just five minutes more and then we are really going to bed."

The Fallacy Of First Impulse
When you don't know why your child is misbehaving, a good rule of thumb is to think about what your first impulse would be. Would you shout back? Would you like to give in to their demand to stop the screaming? Whatever your first impulse is, don't do it! That's exactly the payoff they are looking for.

The child will eventually discover that their behaviour is no longer serving its purpose and they will abandon it.

Noted Adlerian Dr. Dreikurs writes that the hearing children of deaf parents don't scream. Why? Because it is ineffective.

Be Consistent (in removing the payoff)
If you are consistent, they will learn this fact faster. If you sometimes react and give attention, or sometimes cave in to their screaming demands you are actually giving what behaviorists call "random reinforcement" and it is the strongest form of reinforcement! Your daughter will REALLY stick with screaming because you are unknowingly teaching her "screaming does work sometimes, so you need to scream persistently!"

Tools

Ignore It: Leave the room. If you feel her motivation is attention than this is the best tool of all. Just a grimace or raised eyebrow can be payoff -- so casually leaving the room assures there is no audience to give payoff. If you feel the motivation is power, consider using one of the "power tools" I’ve listed below.

Offer Choice: "Can you calm yourself? Or do I need to leave the room?" or "Bedtime is not negotiable, but in the 10 minutes left, would you like to watch a video or colour with me?"

When/Then Statements: [pulling the car over to the side of the road] "When you're calm (not screaming) then I'll know you are ready for me to drive again."

Reflect Feelings: "Would you like me to know that you are feeling [disappointed, hurt, angry, etc.]?" Validate their feelings – but don't let their use of emotions let them get payoff like staying up later or playing at the park longer.

Long Term Strategy
Children will give up screaming to get attention and their way only if they are shown another, more useful or co-operative way of having their needs met. As parents we need to show them the way. This is where your energies and efforts should be directed.

For every moment you ignore the screaming, you need to pay twice as much attention when your child is not screaming. Catch them being good for a change!