Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Needs to Use The Toilet After Tuck-ins

The Situation

I recently received an email from a distraught mother who complained that every night after tuck-in time their 3.5yr old daughter would call out "mooooomy, I have to go peeeeeeeee" even though she was put on the potty right before tuck-in every night.  

The Way I See It.

I suspect that this 3.5 yr old has discovered a behaviour that mom can't ignore.  If she say "I'm thirsty or I'm hungry, mom might be able to disregard the complaint. But what kind of parent wouldn't respond to a toilet-training-tot when they cry out they need to pee?  After all, we don't want to be inconsistent. We don't want to take a step back in training. We don't want them to be wet all night. So we go and put them on the potty again.  No doubt their is a small conversation, an additional tuck in kiss, maybe even a song.  Its really a very social experience for the child. 

( note: This late night bonus socializing is the "usefulness" of this behaviour that sustains the nightly behaviour that we need to address in finding our solution: undue attention-seeking.)

The Immediate Solution

Loss the "pay off" or social benefit of these extra night-time potty visits mom is making by teach the child self-sufficiency. 

During the day, take time for training (T.T.F.T.).  Show your child how to pull their own pants up and down, and practice wiping themselves. Use might find wet wipes are easier for kids than dry toilet paper.  They can wipe first and then you can be the "checker" until you are satisfied they have the manual dexterity to get the job done properly.   

Once they have this skill, you can either put night lights in the hall and explain that they don't need to call you to go to the washroom; "You are so capable! You can go to the toilet and tuck right back in all by yourself!".  

You may also also opt to simply leave a potty in their room with some wet wipes and hand sanitizer ( again after some TTFT). 

Some children find this new limit exciting and what to test it out, however, after a night or two, most children prefer to void before bed and since they no longer have a successful stalling / attention tactic, they just get on with going to bed.   

The Long Term Strategy

As with all the behaviour guidance tips, you're not going to have long term success unless we solve the unmet goal of feeling encouraged. Every child needs to feel secure about their worth and place of belonging in their social group (the family or classroom).  That means parents need to bring on the encouragement and connecting time with our children during those times when they are not demanding our undue attention.  

How Much Sleep Should They Be Getting By Age?

 Tomorrow (Feb. 7th) on The Parenting Show, guest co-host Jacqueline Kovacs and I will be talking about sleep issues.  You can call with your questions, live at 2pm EST (1-877-222-5310).  Since I often get asked "how much sleep should my child should they be getting?" I thought I would post some guidelines by age on my site.  Please remember that every child is different. These ranges are the norms after observing large groups of children. Honour your child's unique sleep needs.

newborns: 16 -20 hours a day

3 weeks: 16 - 18 hours

6 weeks: 15 - 16 hours 

4 months: 9 - 12 hours, plus two napes ( 2 - 3 hrs each)

6 months: 11 hours, plus two naps (1 1/2 hours - 2 1/2 hrs each)

9 months: 11 - 12 hours, plus two naps ( 1 - 2 hours each)

12 months: 10 - 11 hours, plus two naps (1 - 2 hours each)

18 months: 13 hours plus one or two naps ( 1 -2 hours each)

2yrs: 11 - 12 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours) 

3 yrs: 10 - 11 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours)

4-5yrs: 10 - 12 hours (usually no nap) 

6-9yrs: 10 hours

10 - 12yrs: > 9 hours

Teens: 8 - 9.5 hours

Tips For Surviving The Holidays With Kids

Yikes, those holiday invitations are starting to pour in and the mall has their decorations up.  Like it or not, its time to think about the holidays. I wrote my tips on surviving the holidays with children on my guest blog post for the good folks at Parent Tested Parent Approved. Check it out. 

White Noise Machines as Sleep Aid

Yesterday on The Parenting Show, we had Tracey Ruiz, a sleep doula as our guest. She brought a wonderful gift basket as a giveaway which included a white noise machine.  Infants spend months sleeping in the womb which is very loud and then once they are born we mistakenly feel compelled to tip toe about and whisper, fearing we'll wake the baby. Tracey recommends you aim for 80 decibels of background white noise, which is about the loudness of running a vacuum cleaner.  White noise is not only a soothing sound, but it also mutes any sudden sounds that might startle your baby awake.  I love to listen to the hum of my bedroom humidifier as I drift off to sleep.  True white noise could only be better! Yup - white noise, not just for babies anymore! Give it a go with anyone in the house who could use some help nodding off.

Ending naps

Eventually toddlers will outgrow their need for a daily nap. Typically, we switch them from a daily nap to napping every other afternoon and than eventually we stop putting them down for naps all together.

I recommend parents consider transitioning from "nap time" to "quiet time". Make that afternoon nap time a regular routine time when the house gets quiet. It can be your family's own "siesta time" just like in cultures that live in hot climates. Everybody, mom included, can have an hour of rest. The toddler can choose to sleep or to play, but its "quiet time" and they are expected to amuse themselves in their rooms for a 1/2 hour or so.

You might give some suggestions of what they plan to play with quietly in their room during quiet time today. You can put up a baby gate if there is conflict getting the toddler to stay in his bedroom. But should mom nap or read too. Its easier for your toddler to play independently if they don't feel they are missing out on things, so everyone enjoying the same quiet time is helpful.

So try whispering it: "Shhhhhh Its quiet time, he house is sleeping, It time for calm activities in our rooms. mommy is going to re-group and rest too. See you in half an hour"

Ahhh peace.

Vomiting - One More Time!

Boy, my little post on the cry it out method ( CIO) and vomiting seems to be getting a lot of ( negative) attention. I thought I should try to explain the purpose of that post so people understand my intentions and correct any misconceptions about my stance. This is my second attempt at this. I already posted on babies and sleep rhythms to help people understand that I am NOT talking about infants. I think it was the clip art I found that created all this confusion. Alas - I am giving it one more kick at the can! Here is my opinion if you care to know it:

1) Parents should be aware of some basic human physiology: crying creates muscle contractions that can be forceful enough to bring stomach contents up the esophagus. Consider this fact when trying to rule out the flu or tummy upset in your child.

2) Children THRIVE on structure and routine. As children mature they must move from eating and sleeping "on demand" to joining the rhythms and patterns of the family. THAT is the beginning of training your child to be a cooperative member of your family. The child is expected to make the adaptations required to fit into the greater social order. This must be developmentally sensitive. Please note that as a general rule, parents underestimate their children's abilities.

3) Children can easily learn that tears bring results and they can potentially learn to make themselves upset, anxious or frightened if it serves to bring about their desired end result. Anxious children get to sleep with mom and dad. That is a good symptom to hold onto! This is preconscious, not manipulative. This makes for a tricky chicken-and- egg cycle, as mom and dad are rightfully justified in their conclusion that their child is indeed frightened or anxious.

4) If you follow Dr Weisbluth's advice ( which I recommend) you will see that research shows youngsters ( 9 months and older) are capable of sleeping through the night from a physiological perspective and that those with a hard to settle temperament actual respond best to the cry it out method of sleep training. It presents these children with a very clear boundary. Ferberizing, on the other hand, is a form of scheduled re-enforcement and this method seems to further agitate this group of tots, prolonging the development of healthy sleep habits.

So - with all of that said, if you decide to try the CIO method with this particular age and temperament child ( your choice) , AND if the child cries such that there is a coming up of stomach content ( so sorry!), I am recommending that parents make the most MINIMUM response as common sense dictates possible. The most minimum is to do nothing, and that is often possible. But you be the judge of that health risk. A bit of upchuck that lands mostly over the crib rails, and maybe a moist chin- hmmm? Should I go in so that my tot receives the accidental reinforcement for this behaviour? THAT is the decision you will have to weigh out for yourself. Sure you can go in and change them - but be aware that this can potentially lead to children working harder the next night to actually make themselves upchuck as they see it works to get them some extra face time with you and evade getting on with settling in for the night.

You make your own decisions - I just want you have your eyes open to the potential problems that could arise. So - no abandoned neglected babies left to rot in their own vomit here. I hope that is clear. If you have had to overcome some strange behaviour to get on with sleep training - please post your stories here.

Getting Babies To Sleep

Recently I was interviewed by online editor and blogger Lisa Tabachnick Hotta, about babies and sleep for parentscanada.com. I think most of you know that I am a fan of sleep expert Dr Weissbluth, however on my site I mostly talk about the Cry It Out ( CIO) method for sleep issues and not about much else.

For me, the CIO methods is not a starting point in sleep training and I realize now that I have not made that clear to people who visit my site. Lisa and I chatted about learning infant sleep patterns and how to harmonize your attempts at sleep training to coincide with the babies circadian rhythms. Sound complicated? Why not take 5 minutes to listen to Dr Weisbluth explain it himself.

Cry It Out Method Leads To Vomiting

Several people who have heard me preach about the "cry it out" ( CIO) method of sleep training have emailed me to share that they have one glitch: their tots cry so hard they vomit. Not so nice eh?

Remember that the sphincter muscles at the top of the stomach are weak initially and only grow strong in tone with age. It is very easy for a good wail to cause the stomach to contract sufficiently to push its contents passed the sphincter muscle and that means "vomit", but its really a glorified large volume spit up. Its not like when we feel green, dizzy and spinning from the flu or food poisoning or too many drinks during "frosh week".

The stomach contents are acidic and it can cause tissue burning if it happens a lot so please consult your physician. However, for the majority, these crying up-chucks do not pose a medical concern.

My advice for what to do when your child vomits from crying during the CIO ( cry it out ) training is this:

I suggest you deal with the vomit in the most minimal way you feel comfortable with. If there is not much spit up and it has not landed on their sleeper and if only in a small portion of the crib sheet is wet - leave it be for the morning.

If the sleepers are soaked or the bed sheets are wet everywhere , then swiftly make the smallest and fastest motion to get the sleepers and bedding in acceptable order for continuing sleep.

Do NOT turn this time into social time with lots of cooing and chatting. We are trying to show them that evening is NOT when people are social. We do that in the day! So don't turn on lights and burst into conversation and start singing songs.

Don't been cold and distant either, as that will feel harsh and rejecting. Just go about your job in a neutral way and then leave the room without a big elaborate second tuck in. A quick kiss and outcha go!

If you have comments on or a favorite puke story ( and I know that you do!!!) - please use the comment area to share your story with others.

Good Site For Learning About Sleep

Getting babies to sleep is a big issue. Most people have had no reason to learn about this biological phenomena called "sleep" until they became parents. While I was on-line searching for a nice visual graphic to post on sleep cycles, I came across a good Australian site that covers the basics so well that I thought I would just point you to them so you can check it out for yourself.

Toddler Wakes at 5AM and Won't Go Back to Bed

It can be hard to get a child to sleep through the night - but what if they are habitually waking early? 

One mother emailed me and her 3 yr old son who complained that anything she offered for him to do alone, read or watch TV he refused to do. If she didn't let him in her bed, he would cry until he woke his 10 mo old sister. NOW there are TWO wailing children to contend with at 5:30 am.  Ugh!

Is this how you start your day? Are you sleep deprived from this regime?

Here was my reply:

Thanks for the email. He is an early riser and you are not. He can rise early (try to make him stop -  HA!)  and that is okay - but he must be a co-operative human in  your house  and realize he doesn't have the right to distrub others when he wakes.

So.... tonight at tuck-ins, let him know YOU are not to be woken until 7 am (or whenever) and set an alarm for him so he knows when it will be 7am, then ask him what he would like to do alone from when he wakes till 7am?   So long as he is safe and non-distrubing it shouldn't matter to you...

The fact that he is saying "the TV is too bright" "the hall is too   dark" is all just ways of eliminating the options you have offered in order to get to being social with you! TOUGH - you are NOT an option at 5:30 am and he must be left to deal with the true fact that life at 5:30 am is BORING and hopefully he will either LEARN to self-entertain, not  be afraid of  the dark, give up minding the TV brightness or go  back to sleep.

To ensure he doesn't distrub you, you can put a childproof handle on the outside of YOUR bedroom door.   Its okay if he scream and bang for the first few mornings (say NOTHING) so he learns that there is NO mommy interaction until 7am. 

If the  baby cries - leave her too. Now he has a crying sister and no  mom!  Boy - better not be stuck like that again!!!  The baby will  settle again (good training for her too) or he'll go play with her and the two of them  can keep each other company.  They'd  learn it's no fun, lots of tears,  boring and maybe a bit scary to  be up and alone without mom.  Let  him / them experience this a  few times (the baby will learn to sleep  through the noise of her  brother) and they both will learn there is no good reason to get up before 7am.

Good luck!

Alyson

Dawdling at Tuck Ins Solved in Two Nights

There is nothing more motivating than another parent's success story to help bolster the strength and courage to make changes in your own family. 

Here is the testimony of one family's success when they agreed to buckle down on being both FIRM and FRIENDLY at respecting bedtime tuck ins. It only took two - count'em TWO nights to train the child and restore peace to the family evenings. 

Here is what I wrote Adrienne when she emailed me about her daughter who was dawdling at tuck ins, drawing them out from 7:45pm to after 9pm with complaints of fear of the dark, needing to pee and all the other tactics kids discover.

Hopefully you'll feel encouraged enough to try my advice too. 

Hello Adrienne,

Glad things work out so well with the potty training!

For tucks-in, go through the regular routine, but when it is the last story, kiss her goodnight and leave!
Don't fall for her stalling tactics. Simply say "tuck ins are over, we will see you in the morning". "You don't need to sleep, but you do need to stay in your room."

Then leave the room.

If she comes out, you need to walk her back without talking and simply offer the choice: "Can you stay in your room on your own? Or do I need to put up a gate? (or you can put a childproof door knob cover on)

If she comes out, simply walk her back, no words, no more tuck-ins with hugs and kisses, just put up the gate and go about your evening business.

She will scream and cry and plead.

But if you can do this one or two nights she will stop trying to "work you over" and get on with getting herself to sleep again - which she has shown you she can do already. 

Warmly,

Alyson

Here is feedback I got from Adrienne:

Hi again!

Well, once again we have followed your advice and seen amazing results. Adelaide screamed and sobbed, ran out of her room and hid under our bed, behind the curtains, wailed and yelled for 2 delightful nights! We had to walk her back into her room quietly many many times. On the 3rd night, she kissed me and said "I love you mum, sleep tight" and rolled over and went to sleep. She has slept 11 hours a night since that night and is less tired during the day and evenings are happy in our house again!

Thanks again, Alyson! You're starting to get a reputation in our house for working miracles!

Adrienne

I hope you're inspired to get past the tears,tantrums and tactics and re-establish a respectful bedtime routine!

Share your stories with others in the comment field below.

Getting Your 7 Month Old To Sleep At Night

There is nothing more sacred to a mother of young children than sleep.   

I am pleased to share a series of a few emails between myself and a mom who just happened upon me, and in a matter of days and a few emails later, she was able to get her baby to sleep which meant she was sleeping too!

I asked her if I could share the emails we exchanged so others could see the success that can be theirs too.   Here is how it went:

I just got 5 minutes to sit on the couch and I came across your Parenting Show on Roger's Television. You seemed very informed and practical during the discussions. I therefore have a situation with my 7 month old baby boy, AJ, that I would love your advice on. He can not go to sleep without first nursing and falling asleep at the breast. I don't mind this in and of itself however, he is incapable of putting himself to sleep. The night wakings are numerous and require my intervention every time.

I need some downtime. With a two year old also at home with me,  I am babied out at 9:00 pm but have to stay up with AJ until 10:30 or 11:00. I end up taking AJ in the bed because I am too tired to try to get him to sleep in the crib.

I know your probably shaking your head right now thinking I gotta get him out of the bed and I agree. He has a terrific disposition despite that I feel that he is not getting enough sleep.

Your insight and advise would be most appreciated.

Signed
"the Mommy who has no time to herself"

I emailed this mom back to see if she had a partner to help out, and to determine if she was really ready to tackle this.

This is an important point.

When a parent has decided THAT'S IT -- ENOUGH, their children usually know it with out anything being said, and change happens quickly.  Conversely, if you are still waffling, the child senses your unassuredness and works hard to keep the status quo. 

Well, if you are up for it, here you go....

THE ADVICE

Some things to consider:

1. Understand that AJ may just be a babe who needs less sleep.  Some kids are naturally "active" or "alert" and that means one tired mom, but it also means he has more hours of learning each day and he'll be smart as a whip!
2. His tummy probably has gotten to a sufficient size that he can get a whole meal in and it can hold him for the entire night.  That means, he does not NEED you - he just WANTS you.
3. He has NOT learned how to fall asleep on his own (a skill) and he HAS learned if he cries, long enough, he gets mommy!

To Do:

Step 1 - Teach him to fall asleep on his own. Start with the time of day you are most likely to get success.  Be VERY ritualistic. Same chair, same time, same song, and so on.  Nurse him, but keep him alert. Don't let him fall asleep on your nipple. Rub his head with a cool washcloth if you need to. Then after the nursing, put the satiated and tired AJ in his crib awake, kiss him, and leave. Let him cry if he doesn't fall asleep.  It is okay for a baby to cry.  Crying is NOT causing him damage if you know all his needs have been met (dry, feed, not in pain) He is using his only tool (tears) to try to get his preference YOU.  We want him to understand that YOU are no longer a choice.  The only way to get there, is to NOT go in. 

As an aside, I recently received an email from a gramma who was caring for her grandchild because mom needed emergency surgery, and mom was a nursing mom. The baby had no option but to "do without".  It took him three days until he went from crying 40 minutes to falling asleep with out a peep.

Why did this work? Because there was NO chance of mom screwing it up by caving out of pity and coming in to nurse since mom was in the hospital. 

Step 2 - Once you know AJ can go from awake to asleep on his own in the day, you can start night training, which basically means your husbands has to deal with him so you can sleep (and your breast milk will come in better too if you are rested)  After AJ realizes that there is NO mommy at night, he will learn to get himself back to sleep at night. Your husband doesn't even need to go really - but if he goes and settles him, or offers him a bottle with only water, he will be sufficient disappointed that he will get angry, but then you don’t have the worry that he is feeling no one is responding. 

If you NEVER show your face after 9pm, he will decide it is not worth waking anymore. 

Let me know how it goes.

Well, here is the reply I received, and I think it will motivate others!

I am happy to report that things are going much better then I anticipated. I started placing AJ in his crib for naps a few days ago. At first he objected but now, on only day three, he goes in his bed awake and after only about 2 minutes of fussing and not crying, he's off to sleep. Even the afternoon nap that I always lay with him (to catch a nap myself).   

As you suggested, we established a very ritualistic routine: nurse him about 1/2 hour before he goes to sleep and keep him awake at the breast. Then it's diaper change, blinds closed, lights dimmed, same music CD, white noise machine on, then into bed. Same stuff, same order, all naps. Last night we tried this at bedtime. I tried the same thing but I think he is so used to ending up in bed with me and the boob that he was getting progressively more upset in his crib-- he was crying hard. So I brought him out of the room and after some calming then playing, my husband tried. Then as you said, I left AJ's sight.

My husband went through all the rituals a full seven times before AJ realized I was not coming back and he always ended up in his crib alone. I wanted to go to him so bad but decided to let Steve try. Steve went in the room at 10:10 and came out at 10:30, AJ asleep in his crib.

I can't believe it was this easy and quick! Next is eliminating night feeds and getting him to bed earlier.

I Want My Bed Back

This tip is for the decided.

Not the waffling, not the curious, but the committed. You know who you are. You have had it. Enough. You have decided you want to take back your bed!

I get many requests for parents wishing to end "the bad habit they got into" by letting their toddlers "toddle" their way down the hall and into their bed at night.

Usually, the story goes that they tried to get the toddler to stay in their own room, but they kept coming back and in a losing battle with their own exhaustion they ended up just letting their toddler sleep there.

They share that they kind of liked sleeping with them, in the beginning. It was loving, it was supported by their readings on attachment parenting, and after all, other cultures embrace the family bed concept. All this lead them to decide that maybe they would just bunk down together for the time and figure it all out later.

Later has come. You feel differently now. This idea has lost its appeal. Mommy and Daddy want to sleep alone together for a night of uninterrupted shut-eye. For those of you have had it with the windmills arms or having your hair constantly twirled, here is the plan:

• Confirm that you are decided. Once decided, there is no turning back. The night you start this new family routine is the last night you will have a toddler in your bed or vice versa. Are you sure you are ready to begin?
• Explain to you toddler that mommy and daddy have their own bed, and they have their own bed. "We all need to sleep in our own beds now, not other people's." You don't need to go on more than this. Toddlers learn from what you DO more so than what you say.
• Conduct your unusual tuck in.
• When they come to your bed in the night you have two big goals:
  • Under NO circumstances can the toddler end up sleep in your bed.
  • Conduct yourself in a completely unimpressed, matter-of-fact, non-engaging way. Think of it as a "don't mind me, I'm just going about my business" kind of an attitude.
• When they come to your bed, make no eye contact, say no words. Simply walk them down the hall to their room and put them in bed without any extra tuck-ins, kisses, or back rubs. Then go back to your bed. Repeat this until the child chooses to stay in bed as they have come to learn:
  • "No matter how many times I try, there is just no sleeping in mom and dad's bed"
  • "No matter how many times I try, there is just no getting any attention from mom and dad in the middle of the night"

And, yes, you have to repeat this step dozens of times over the course of several hours if need be.

If you feel you are unable to pull off the strategy above I have a Plan B.

Plan B

If your toddler leaves their room to follow you to bed you can give them a choice:

"Can you stay out of my room on your own? Or do I need to lock my door?"

If they enter again, walk them back to their room and return to bed, this time locking your self in your bedroom room.

Your toddler will cry himself/herself to sleep outside your door. Do NOT talk to them as they cry and pound. They will do this one night, maybe the next night too, but soon they will learn:

"No matter how many long I cry at their door it is just no use, there is no coming into mom and dad's room at night."

It will be a tough few nights. In fact it may be really tough. But I promise it will only get tougher as your child ages.

Important Note Before You Begin: If after an hour of crying you can't take it anymore and you let your toddler sleep with you, you will have successfully trained them to cry for at least an hour to get their way. Don't start if you can't manage the whole process.

Good Luck!

Mommy, There's A Monster!

One great thing about watching our babies grow is witnessing them development an active imagination. With that imagination though can come fear of boogie monsters, dragons, ghosts, and the like. As parents, how do we deal with this?

Well, we can look to the SARS epidemic as an example of what to do and not to do with managing fear.

If respected doctors tell you that there is no reason to be afraid of SARS in Toronto, but then cancel their own conference in Toronto, the less knowledgeable public deduces that if the experts think there is something to fear, then we should too.

To "less knowledgeable" children, you are the "expert" on everything. If you say "there is no such things as monsters" and then promptly check under the bed, you may unintentionally be demonstrating a reason why they should be afraid. "Heck even the experts are checking the beds and closets!"

Diminishing Fears
We cannot control our children's fears, but how we react can work to either support or deemphasize them.

One strategy is to be "unimpressed" (neither dismissive nor all consumed) and talk in a matter of fact fashion.

Don't waver in your conviction that there are no monsters by saying things like, “Really? You saw a monster in your closet. What did he look like?”

It is more comforting to say "There are no such things as monsters. You are creating them with your imagination. And what a wonderful imagination it is!"

Coping With Fears
Teach your children coping techniques to help them work through their fears. Try some of these responses:

"I understand that you are afraid, but I know you are safe and I would never let anything harm you, so you need to think happy warm thoughts instead of scary thoughts. That will help you get to sleep."

"You'll have to have a little talk with that imagination of yours and let it know that it is getting in the way of sleeping."

"When you decide it's bugging you so much that you have to stop thinking those thoughts - I am sure you will!"

"If watching this video or movie before bed makes you imagine scary things, perhaps you would like to watch something else at bedtime."

Watch For "The Hidden Pay-off"
Don't give a "hidden pay-off" by giving your child exceptional service such as letting them sleep in your bed, or keeping you hostage in their room until they fall asleep.

If you enjoy caring for your child in these loving ways, do it because you want. Don't make them create "issues" to mobilize you into this type of affection or they'll learn to use issues as a technique to get you to care for them.

"Mommy Tuck-in!"

A couple in one of my recent parenting classes had such great success with a parenting strategy for their toddler who whined, cried and complained whenever it was dad's night to do tuck-ins that I thought I would share their winning formula that improved their family evenings immediately.

Principle of "Let Routines Be The Boss"
In order to reduce your child's "negotiating behaviours" of whining, crying and other means of trying to get their way (have mommy do the tuck in), you could "let routines be the boss".

In order for this to be effective, parents need to consider three key elements:

1. The routine needs to be established in advance (Planning)
2. The child needs to be involved in setting the routine (Give Choices)
3. The routine must be followed (Be Consistent, Act Firm and Friendly)

This family made a seven-day calendar and posted it on the fridge. Their pre-verbal toddler was shown the calendar and the big red arrow that pointed to which day of the week it was. He liked that. He could move the arrow in the morning to show it was the next day on their calendar.

Next they gave their son 4 cut-outs of photos of daddy's face and 3 of mommy's face. This was the distribution this family decided on, it might be different in your house. The boy was allowed to choose which nights on the calendar he would like to have a mommy tuck-in and he put her face on those days. Likewise for the nights he chose to have a daddy tuck-in.

Mom and dad knew that they would have to be firm and friendly and follow through with the routine as posted on the calendar if he decided to change his mind. Now it was the routine that was the boss, not mom and dad being the "meanies".

Truth is, the young boy seemed to understand that the decision was made and appreciated being part of those decisions that affect him. He has not complained or whined for a mommy tuck since! Evenings are spent enjoying playful bath time and loving tuck-ins instead of pleading and negotiating.

I hope this helps your family enjoy your time with each other more.

My Favorite Book on Sleep Training

Here is my recommendation for the best book parents should read if they are dealing with sleep issues.  You'll learn about different methods and dealing with babies of different temperaments.

Sleep Research Every Parent Should Know About

Po Bronson has published another great piece called "Snooze or Lose" in New York Magazine. Wow - fascinating. It's a longer story but well worth the read. Here is the gist of it:

Overstimulated, over-scheduled kids are getting at least an hour’s less sleep than they need, a deficiency that, new research reveals, has the power to set their cognitive abilities back years.

Also check out the great sidebar article by Ashely Merryman called "How to Get Your Kids to Sleep More" which has some unconventional answers to this common question.