Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Tips for Responding to Sibling Conflict

Conflict between siblings is inevitable.  In fact, all of life is full of dealings with others who have different priorities, styles, values and methods. So really, conflict is a natural part of life.  Conflict is something to learn to manage well rather than something to feel badly about or avoid.  

Don't measure your parenting competency by how much your children fight, but rather by how you respond to their fighting.  The first step always in my parenting approach is to help parents understand the dynamics that are sustaining a behaviour.   Here are some facts about sibs: 

1) Fighting is Cooperative.  Its takes two to fight.  Both play a role in the conflict.  Both have the ability to chose behaviours that will either escalate or de-escalate conflict.  If they choose escalation its because they agreed to go that direction.  (See? And just when you didn't they agreed on anything).  

2) Behaviour is Goal-Oriented.  Behaviour is movement away from a perceived position of inferiority to a position of security or "felt plus".  The usefulness of fighting is usually found in the parents response:  

• Fighting results in parental attention.  Albeit negative, negative attention is still better than no attention at all.  Lets face it, children who behave well get ignored, those who act up get parents engaged.  Its a no-brainer really. 
• One child acts in the role of the "victim" and finds a benefit it acting weak and incapable so that they learn by being helpless, a parent will step in and fight their battles and punish their siblings, making them feel they are favored over their sibling. 
• One child acts in the role of the "aggressor" and may already feel they are treated unfairly in the family.  They arrange life to prove their belief that they are treated unfairly.  Two kid kerfuffle and yet they are the only one to be sent to their room?  "SO UNFAIR!  SEE, I TOLD YOU.... YOU HATE ME AND LOVE HER!" 

Solutions: 

1) Ignore - When your sibs are fighting, don't referee.  No matter how "fair and objective" you thnk you are, someone is going to think you are taking sides.   Trust me - you can't win this one.  Instead, honor that they are the caretakers of their own relationship with each other and leave them to deal with one another.   " I don't enjoy being with you two when you are choosing not to get along.  Call me when you feel like getting along"  LEAVE....  ( Notice in the language I am explaining to them that its their CHOICE to get along or not? That is not conscious to them so its good to spell it out)

2) Put Them In The Same Boat - Just like the expression goes: imagine your two siblings in a canoe both trying to paddle to different shores?  Eventually - left on their own with the reality of the situation, they will discover if they co-operate they can paddle to both shores, and without co-operation they can get no where!  If you feel ignoring the fighting is not an option, put them in the same boat such that, what ever consequence befalls one, befalls the other:

"Seems the computer is causing conflict.  I'm going to turn it off until you two have a plan worked out for sharing it co-operatively"

or

"Its seems you two are having  hard time playing together without hurting each other - you both need to take 5 minutes in our rooms to chill out.  Let see if you can play safely again after that" 

3) Family Meeting - If one child always acqueisces to another, and it seems unfair to you.  Dont' get sucked into fighting for one child's rights.  Instead - put the issue you feel is unfair on the family meeting agend and discuss it outside the time of conflict.  

You'll be very surprised how co-operative your child become when you step out of your traditional role! 

I know its hard to beleive this will work, so here is a testimonial:

I have to say Alyson's advice to do with siblings and fostering sibling harmony have been some of the best tools we have put into practice in our home. And funny enough at first it felt the most un-intuitive to NOT micromanage how our kids were getting along! Our kids are now 5 and 3 and yes of course, they have the odd squabble, but we do our best to stay out~ And they have an amazing ability to reconcile, compromise, share and most of all, are empathetic to each other, all on their own. We see this positive behaviour reflected in how they treat their friends too. It's incredibly rewarding. Thanks Alyson, for all your encouragement along the way and for your very sage advice. We are expecting the arrival of our third child so I am off to re-read the sibling chapters for a refresher!"  - Mya Kraft  ( Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp alumni from Winnipeg) 

 

"Parenting Mash-up" with Jennifer Kolari and Alyson Schafer

Every couple of months Jennifer Kolari of Connected Parenting and I steal away for lunch, catch up on each other's families and share work stories.  This last lunch we said "Hey - we should do a presentation together" and so we invented the first ever "Parenting Mash-Up".  

Jennifer will be talking about neurobiology, oxytocin and her CALM method then I'll present on Adler's version of attachment, social belonging and the 4 mistaken goals of misbehaviour. Crazy fun and tons and tons of parenting information to take away and apply immediately.  Two - Two! Two parenting experts for the price of one!  

Here are the details; 

Date: Tuesday April 26th 2011

Time: 7pm - 9:30pm

Where: Holland Bloorview 150 Kilgour Ave Toronto 

Cost:  $30 each or $50 for two 

Tickets: Reserve your tickets by emailing  info@connectedparenting.com. or calling Evelyn at 416-781-4700 

See you there!  Pinch me - I love job! 

 

 Jennifer Kolari, M.S.W., R.S.W. Child and Family Therapist and Founder of Connected Parenting

Child and Family Therapist Jennifer Kolari is one of the nation’s leading parenting experts and the founder of Connected Parenting. Author of Connected Parenting: How To Raise A Great kid (Penguin Group USA and Penguin Canada, 2009) and You’re Ruining My Life! (But Not Really) Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting (Penguin Canada, 2011), Kolari is a regular guest on the The Steven and Chris show, and has appeared frequently Canada AM and Breakfast Television. Her advice can be found in many Canadian and U.S. magazines, such as Today’s Parent, Redbook, Parent Magazine, Canadian Family, and Chatelaine.  Her entertaining workshops and insightful strategies, shared with warmth and humour, make her a highly sought-after speaker with schools, corportations and agencies throughout North America. Kolari has been helping children, teens and families get connected for twenty years.

She lives in Toronto with her husband and their three children.

 

Alyson Speaks On Siblings Thursday April 14th 2011

Sorry for the last notice, but tickets are still available for my talk on Thursday ( April 14, 2011) which is a fundraiser for Oriole Nursery School.  

Topic: Siblings! 

I'll be discussing this special relationship, how they formulate each others personality, how to respond and parent in ways that increase harmony, decrease competition and rivalry.  I'll offer tools and techniques to respond to conflict, name calling, teasing, tattling and more. 

Date:  April 14th

Location: Oriole Nursery School ( located in Oriole School's Community Hall at Deer Park Christ Church, The north west corner of Heath and Yonge) 

Time: 7:00pm

Tickets: $30 per person $50 a couple

For tickets call Jacqueline  416- 960-1293. 

North York Public Library - Free Talk Tuesday on "The Discipline Dilemma"

Just a quick note to let you know I am speaking tomorrow night (Tues April 12) at the North York Public Library. I'll have my latest book Ain't Misbehavin' for sale with a book signing to follow.  Details here. 

 

Teaching By-Standers to Speak Up To A Bully

I had a chance to hear Barbara Coloroso speak about bullying last week. She has so much great stuff to say on the topic, but one point stayed with me that I really wanted to share with others.  One of the key strategies to defusing a bully is to get the by-standers to speak up and support the target.  After all, few of our children will be bullies or targets - but the vast majority of our children will be by-standers.  Will they watch passively? Will they cheer on the bully with their laughter and taunt safely from the side lines? or will they say "NOT COOL DUDE".  

If you want your child to speak up as a by-stander, then you have to model that.  Ask yourself how you respond when someone at work or a party or a family gathering makes racist comment? a sexist joke or says fag?  Do YOU speak up? Or do you laugh uncomfortably?  When others tell you "lighten up - its just a joke" do you say "that is not funny and its not okay"?  

If we expect our teens to have the intestinal fortitude to say "not cool dude" I think we had better start saying it ourselves. 

 

Alyson's Spring Parenting Bootcamp - April 30 - May 1st

This is my last Parenting Bootcamp until the fall so please join me the last weekend of April for a great session that is sure to improve your parenting skills, boost your confidence and give you a great understanding of how to raise terrific children who will be caring and co-operative human beings.  Its a transformational weekend! Suitable for parents of children 0-tweens.  Its a small group format so you'll get plenty of help for your unique situations. 

Full details and on-line registration are here. 

Check out these testimonials from past attendees:  

"Thanks again Alyson, It has been one day past (the bootcamp) and I have started working on some of the strategies on my kids and I tell you IT IS WORKING. It's a miracle. You are a life saver"

"I wanted to let you know how much my husband and I enjoyed your  boot camp. Initially he only went to make me happy (smart guy!), but in the end he was glad that he went. It really helped him to understand what I had read in your books and that will make a huge difference to how we parent as a team, which is often half the battle."

"The time in class just flew by. I felt like I was talking with a friend - a really wise friend. I was really feeling discouraged about how to parent "the middle child" but now I feel so much lighter, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  Even if I don't get it right every time I'm feeling inspired to keep at it. With four kids I know that my change in attitude will only be an asset to all the tools we picked up this weekend."

"I've said it before, but I wish every single parent would learn about the Adlerian approach to parenting. I'm definately going to try and encourage my friends to attend. I  learned so much from the November weekend. Our day to day parenting has become so easy. We have fewer issues and when they  do arise, problems or possible meltdowns are quickly diffused  through consistency and encouragement."

Inspiring right?  Why not sign up today. You'll be so glad you did.