Why You Shouldn't Say "I'm So Proud of You".

Yesterday, at a mom's group I was speaking about "praise" versus "encouragement".  Typically, parents agree they want to encourage, NOT praise, but inevitably someone will ask me "can't I say I'm proud of you? What's so wrong with that?"

Parents can't seem to imagine dropping this seemingly vital comment from their repertoire.

Well, today my 14yr old daughter gave me a peek into the child's perspective on this when she said to me "Mom, I am so glad you don't say I'm proud of you".  I said "Really? Why is that?" She said "you know how I was trying to get fit and lose some weight? I just told Zoe (her sister) that I lost 2lbs this week and she smiled and said "I'm so proud of you!" and it felt awful. It made me feel like she really does want me to lose weight and be thinner. That she doesn't think I am okay at this weight".

I listened and replied "But I was excited too when you told me about your weight loss. Do you feel I'm judging you too? She answered "No, mom, what you said was totally different.  You said you were excited for me and my accomplishments that I worked hard on. You said you were happy that I got what I was going for.  I loved hearing that support and belief in me".   

I asked Lucy's permission to share her perspective with my parent readers.  I hope some of you feel better dropping the "I'm so proud of you" line now too.   Gosh, I hope Zoe doesn't feel badly reading this. I know she was not intended to make her sister feel badly.  She didn't know the power and message of those words, just like most parents don't. 

Comments

[Jennifer]

Ya, I totally don't agree with this. Sure it's your daughter's perspective on things and there's nothing wrong with her opinion but this won't stop me from telling my daughter and my son that I am proud of them.

To be perfectly honest, I don't understand how your daughter perceives someone being proud of her as a negative. Maybe you should discuss with her that being proud is praise and not a negative.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for the comment. I hope you get a chance to read some other posts I made about praise. This was a weak example as a stand alone point, so I hope some of the other tips give more background to the arguement of why praise is problematic.

Alfie Kohn has a great book called 'The inverse power of praise" and I just finished reading Daniel Pink's book " drive" about internal versus external motivation. I hope you get a chance to check more out on the topic!

Alyson

[Debora Manni]

Is the difference saying I'm happy for you VS I'm proud of you? I will look for older posts about praise. I've read this post TONS of times and I'm trying to understand the difference.

[Alyson Schafer]

Yes Debora! You got it!

When you are happy for them, they have ownership of the accomplishment. When you are "proud" it implies a one-up one-down "chattel" type relationship. Would you ever say to your boss "I was proud of the job you did at the client meeting" ?
Does that help? A nice alternative is also "you must be so proud of yourself" or "you should feel proud about that" or "You have every reason to feel proud of yourself"
Alyson

[Hezz]

One of my first thoughts is that wanting to "hold on to" the phrase "I'm so proud of you" is a selfish thing on my part as a parent. I'm making it about what I feel and the pride that wells up in me (maybe it's not pride? love? hmm . . . ?), rather than helping my child understand how they feel about what has happened and saying something that will encourage rather than belittle.

It seems so second-nature to exclaim "I'm so proud of you", but it does seem to lessen the child's intrinsic value and worth as an equal person.

[Jennifer Belanger]

Alyson I recentlt read your book " Honey, recked the kids" and loved it. I have a 15 and 13 year old from a previous mariage and almost 3 & almost 2 year old. I have been flailing around in the dark for the last 6 years until you turned the light on for me! I wish I had found it sooner. My 15 year old daughter recently moved in with her father and things are complete caos in our home as our 3 and 2 year olds struggle for power, and my 13 year old son hides in his room. We are having our first family meeting tomarrow night. I can't wait to start our new democratic way of life. I have started using choices and natural consequences with the youngest children and was amazed at how quickly it turned things around. Thank-you Thank-you thank-you!

[Alyson Schafer]

So glad the book helped Jennifer! I hope you find more great ideas here on the website! Stay in touch
Alyson

[Lea]

It depends on the situation. I agree with example, however telling a child that you're proud for all of the hard work they have put in to something is never a mistake in my mind.

[KC]

Thank you for this - I am not a parent but I was searching for information on phrase usage for "I'm proud of you." My boyfriend says this to me some times, and I agree that it implies a hierarchical relationship that is a bit insulting. He doesn't mean it that way, and I feel bad for being sensitive about it, but I want to be proud of myself - I don't need someone else to do it.

[Alyson Schafer]

Thanks for posting KC. I think you've added a good point to the discussion.

[Tilly]

I first read about praise vs. encouragement a few years back when I discovered Alfie Kohn. Recently, in the last year, I've been devouring Adler, Dreikurs, Montessori, and the like.
I understand the IDEA behind using 'happy for you' vs. 'proud'---and it's a concept I've adapted to in my own home.
However, as it takes awhile to break a habit, I found myself using 'proud' on occasion. It is typical for me to question myself, review it, analyze it, etc. What I realized, for me, is that "I'm proud of you" and "I'm happy/excited for you" mean the same thing (to me). The words are different but the feeling is the same.
Again, I understand and appreciate/follow the praise vs. encouragement and see the benefits. I think it would be helpful/wise for authors/leaders to stress the differences in word choice and meanings. I know there are activities (in clinical settings) that do this very thing- determining how two people define the same word differently.

We say we are proud, but we mean, we are excited, happy, relieved, etc. It's hard to see that it's not the same thing. But if we (the giver of praise)- immediately try to recognize the feeling when we have it, we can see the difference.

Ex. Child has poor grades. Parent worries child is (fill in bland with negative). Child comes home with wonderful report card. Parent is relieved child isn't a dumb failure with no future! Parent says, "I'm so proud of you!" It's the feeling of the parent, or the needs of the parent, that is being met. The parent IS proud of the child, for the relief or pleasure child brought to parent.

Ex. 2

Child collects baseball cards. Parent is content with hobby but has no stake in it, doesn't understand values or know players. Parent sees hobby as something child enjoys and keeps child busy.
Child tells parent, "Today I traded cards and now I have a rookie card of Babe Ruth". Parent says (possibly sarcastically), "Grrrrreat! I'm excited for you!" Parent has no stake in this trade/outcome, feels no loss or gain, and is completely detached emotionally to the transaction- but recognizes the child's excitement. Parent can truly say "I'm happy for you" or "looks like you got a nice trade" and mean exactly that. We wouldn't say "I'm proud of you for trading cards", at least I don't think I would, not today anyway.

For those of us who have used our moral compass to guide us through parenting so far, may not see the differences in word choice. It often FEELS the same. At least until we evaluate ourselves in the moment. And determine whose needs are being met.
I think then, it's important (and helpful to parents like me) to bring attention to two things. What is the parent feeling at the time? Is it meeting the needs of parent? child? And secondly, learning to chose the words to express encouragement, which meet the needs of child.

When I understood the difference between what I felt and what I said, encouragement made sense. When I saw myself giving praise for things that gave me relief or allowed me to feel pride, I realized encouragement made sense.

[Karen]

I couldn't agree less. I think that children respond to the emotion behind the words rather than the words themselves. Using the philosophy stated herein, you shouldn't ever say to a child, "I'm disappointed in you." Rather, you should say, "I'm not happy for you." Parent/child relationships ARE hierarchical by nature, and children define themselves by their parents approval or disapproval. Emotionally precarious fourteen year olds are not subject matter experts about what is and what is not acceptable dialogue between a parent and a child. I have told my son and my nephew, and will continue to tell my son and my nephew, that I am proud of them when they accomplish something. It usually goes something like this: "I'm really proud of you. You should be proud of yourself too; you did a great job." The glorious smiles on their faces when I do so is proof enough for me that it's what they need.

[Alyson Schafer]

I like the sentiments of Kahlil Kibran in his essay / poem " On Children"

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable

The world pride does imply "ownership" or "chattel". As if parents should get credit for their children successes.

I do agree that our children look to us for guidance and approval. Our children will move in line with our expectations too. I think I can do all of that without using the word "proud". I teach parents to give constant encouragement to their children to show they are loved and accepted just the way they are - unconditionally.

If you accept you can be "proud" of them then the flip side means you could also be "ashamed" of them. Children may feel that if they don't make you proud" they have "shamed you".

Encouragement gets us out of this paradigm all together.

Just some more thoughts to noodle with!

Thanks for posting.

Alyson

[Lynda]

I'm so glad I found these posts. In the past few years, I have been on a weight loss journey, moving at my own pace, entirely for me and good health. I have lost 95lbs. so far. Recently, several people have been gushing and saying, "I'm so proud of you!" over and over, and it feels just awful. I'm losing weight for me, not to make anyone else proud. I feel belittled by these comments. Any suggestions for how I could politely communicate that these comments are not helpful? I honestly think these people mean well but don't realize how condescending they sound.

[Alyson Schafer]

So glad you joined in the conversation with that post Lynda.