Why You Shouldn't Say "I'm So Proud of You".

Yesterday, at a mom's group I was speaking about "praise" versus "encouragement".  Typically, parents agree they want to encourage, NOT praise, but inevitably someone will ask me "can't I say I'm proud of you? What's so wrong with that?"

Parents can't seem to imagine dropping this seemingly vital comment from their repertoire.

Well, today my 14yr old daughter gave me a peek into the child's perspective on this when she said to me "Mom, I am so glad you don't say I'm proud of you".  I said "Really? Why is that?" She said "you know how I was trying to get fit and lose some weight? I just told Zoe (her sister) that I lost 2lbs this week and she smiled and said "I'm so proud of you!" and it felt awful. It made me feel like she really does want me to lose weight and be thinner. That she doesn't think I am okay at this weight".

I listened and replied "But I was excited too when you told me about your weight loss. Do you feel I'm judging you too? She answered "No, mom, what you said was totally different.  You said you were excited for me and my accomplishments that I worked hard on. You said you were happy that I got what I was going for.  I loved hearing that support and belief in me".   

I asked Lucy's permission to share her perspective with my parent readers.  I hope some of you feel better dropping the "I'm so proud of you" line now too.   Gosh, I hope Zoe doesn't feel badly reading this. I know she was not intended to make her sister feel badly.  She didn't know the power and message of those words, just like most parents don't. 

Comments

[Jennifer]

Ya, I totally don't agree with this. Sure it's your daughter's perspective on things and there's nothing wrong with her opinion but this won't stop me from telling my daughter and my son that I am proud of them.

To be perfectly honest, I don't understand how your daughter perceives someone being proud of her as a negative. Maybe you should discuss with her that being proud is praise and not a negative.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for the comment. I hope you get a chance to read some other posts I made about praise. This was a weak example as a stand alone point, so I hope some of the other tips give more background to the arguement of why praise is problematic.

Alfie Kohn has a great book called 'The inverse power of praise" and I just finished reading Daniel Pink's book " drive" about internal versus external motivation. I hope you get a chance to check more out on the topic!

Alyson

[Debora Manni]

Is the difference saying I'm happy for you VS I'm proud of you? I will look for older posts about praise. I've read this post TONS of times and I'm trying to understand the difference.

[Alyson Schafer]

Yes Debora! You got it!

When you are happy for them, they have ownership of the accomplishment. When you are "proud" it implies a one-up one-down "chattel" type relationship. Would you ever say to your boss "I was proud of the job you did at the client meeting" ?
Does that help? A nice alternative is also "you must be so proud of yourself" or "you should feel proud about that" or "You have every reason to feel proud of yourself"
Alyson

[Hezz]

One of my first thoughts is that wanting to "hold on to" the phrase "I'm so proud of you" is a selfish thing on my part as a parent. I'm making it about what I feel and the pride that wells up in me (maybe it's not pride? love? hmm . . . ?), rather than helping my child understand how they feel about what has happened and saying something that will encourage rather than belittle.

It seems so second-nature to exclaim "I'm so proud of you", but it does seem to lessen the child's intrinsic value and worth as an equal person.

[Jennifer Belanger]

Alyson I recentlt read your book " Honey, recked the kids" and loved it. I have a 15 and 13 year old from a previous mariage and almost 3 & almost 2 year old. I have been flailing around in the dark for the last 6 years until you turned the light on for me! I wish I had found it sooner. My 15 year old daughter recently moved in with her father and things are complete caos in our home as our 3 and 2 year olds struggle for power, and my 13 year old son hides in his room. We are having our first family meeting tomarrow night. I can't wait to start our new democratic way of life. I have started using choices and natural consequences with the youngest children and was amazed at how quickly it turned things around. Thank-you Thank-you thank-you!

[Alyson Schafer]

So glad the book helped Jennifer! I hope you find more great ideas here on the website! Stay in touch
Alyson

[Lea]

It depends on the situation. I agree with example, however telling a child that you're proud for all of the hard work they have put in to something is never a mistake in my mind.