Ways to Ignore Sibling Fighting Without Condoning or Abandoning

If you watch The Parenting Show or have attended one of my Parenting Bootcamps, you'll know that I often answer parents who ask "how should I deal with sibling fighting?" with the advice: "just ignore it".

That is just one solution and, no, it doesn't mean I condone violence or that I tolerate people being treated poorly. My "just ignore it" advice is based on the fact that most often fights and quarrels between sibs are because they know it will serve to get your attention. 

Fighting is a negative behavioural pattern choice that they both have discovered over time; namely that if they get along, parents tend to ignore them and get busy with their chores and emails and cooking dinner etc. When they fight and cause a kerfuffle however, parents come get involved with them again.  It's THAT involvement they seek and they simply have learned from experience that being in conflict achieves it. Be peaceful - get ignored. Fight, get parental attention.   

My advice is to switch that up! When they are playing peacefully go join them and tell them what good company they are, and when they fight, instead of intervening and policing try one of these lines instead and then walk away:

"I am sorry you are having trouble with your sister - I am sure you two can work it out."

"I am not interested in watching this - call me when you two are playing co-operatively again and I'll happily come join in again."

"I am sorry you are choosing to not get along - I'm going to find something else to do. Come get me if you want to play happily again."

"I can see you are having a hard time playing without getting rough - this is not a fighting house - please take it outside."

"I can't watch people I love hurt each other, I am leaving." 

"I am going to get a coffee, call my cell phone when the house is a peaceful place to be in."

Comments

[Brenda Falkins]

You have got to be kidding. If I left the house or rather apartment while my 2 sons were fighting the very 1st thing that would happen is 1 of them would phone my mother. She would call CAS and the next thing I would know - I would have the police at my door. I have been there.

[Alyson Schafer]

Sorry this advice will not be helpful for your situation.
Good luck,
Alyson

[Chantel Preston]

LOL thanks Alyson for being so realistic. I am a mom to 6 children (and another due in Feb) and my children have lots of fights and arguements and that is exactly what I do - IGNORE IT and let them resolve it on their own. That being said I do have two children who are Autistic (one has aspergers as well and a mood disorder) so I do have to interfere with them because they can become aggressive and violent.
Thanks again!

[Sonja]

My kids fight non stop and I have invested too much time and energy trying to get them to behave. I cannot leave the room that they are in for more than one minute without them screaming and hitting each other. I will try this approach for one week and let you know how it works.

[Alyson Schafer]

I am eager to hear how the progress is going!
Alyson