Can't Ignore The Sibling Fighting? Put Them In The Same Boat.

I recently posted a parenting tip for handling siblings fighting that recommended you walk away and refuse to get involved in the conflict. I know for some of you, the worry is that your children are either too physical, or too young and still need your involvement.  

That's fine.  If ignoring is not going to be a viable tool for you, then let me offer up another method called: "Putting Them In The Same Boot".  This tool ensures that both children involved in the conflict perceive that you are not siding with one over the other.  This method makes sure there is no accidental favoritism that can erode the sibling relationship.  It honors the fact that in any conflict both parties are able to influence the outcome.  Since fighting requires both children to keep the situation hostile and un-resolved, both should experience the same discipline for their disruptive antics regardless of who started it, who had it first, or who owns it.  None of that matters!  If fighting erupts and doesn't resolve so you feel you must step in try, one of these lines: 

"Looks like you two are having trouble being together at the moment, you can both go to your rooms and cool down for 5 minutes." 

"I guess I will have to put away the riding truck until you two can figure out how to share it without fighting.  When you have plan worked out, come get me and I'll give it back."

"If you can't agree on how to take turns on family computer without fighting, the computer will be turned off for this evening. You can both try again tomorrow."

"I am having a hard time enjoying my dinner when your at each other like this.  I'm going to take my plate to the kitchen.  Call me when table is peaceful again and I'll come back."

With both children being put in the same boat, they are now interested in getting their brother or sister to be co-operative with them rather than sustaining the conflict. With this new method, they are invested in not upsetting the other.  Give it a try and let me know it goes for you.  If you've already had success with this method, share your stories! Nothing is more motivating than someone else's success story. 

Comments

[Amy]

I can't say it enough. I love your advice. Funny thing- my mom researched and used these same adlerian technics when my brother and I were growing up. (now 33 & 29yrs old) We were both sent to our rooms for 5 minutes no matter the arguement. Funny thing is.. my brother and I hardly ever fought. Most of the moms in the neighbourhood recognized it and often asked my mother what her secret was. Now we know:)

[Clarity]

Hi Alyson,

Does this mean you are in complete disagreement with helping kids frame the problem, brainstorm solutions then pick one that will work for both of them (as in the book: How to Talk so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk)?

I think especially young children can benefit from adult guidance on HOW to problem solve.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Clarity - I LOVE Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and their advice is sound. I think children need to learn to be good problem solvers and parents can be wonderful teachers! I always recommend people adopt the tradition of having family meetings for problem solving.

That said --- I think most parents assume that conflict between sibs must mean they don't have the skills to solve the issue! That usually is not the case. Mostly, children know HOW to problem solve and get along, but they choose NOT to because of the benefits or usefulness of being in conflict. Its usually more a psychodynamic issue than a skills deficit problem.

Hope that makes sense!

Alyson

[KellyGrimes]

I have used your sibling techniques and they work well on four of my five children. I have a 10 year old that over the years has defied every approach I have tried. He is constantly feeling slighted ,no matter how he has been treated,and his reponse is to get revenge,ususally by breaking the other kids toys when nobody is looking,so he neer really gets caught,or he will sabatoge an outing to make sure no one else has fun(because he is not having fun). Although I undestand that these are reactions to feeling hurt,I have found it exhausting to be constantly trying to find the scources and prevent the hurt feelings,as every day there seem to be constant instances where he feels jilted. If I don't walk on eggshells and give enormous ammounts of attention to his problems,he becomes angry,hostile and vengeful.Any advice is desperately needed!

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Kelly,
I think your description of sibling issues and one child feeling constantly shunned / and revenging on the others is exactly the type of scenario that is best suited for work with a family therapist. All the positive parenting practices won't be as effective as a counsellor in working with that one discouraged sibling. If you'd like a referral, send me a private email with where you live so I can find someone in your area.
Good Luck! ( I think you'll like therapy - its really a positive experience for all)
Alyson
alyson@alyson.ca

[zeemaid]

Hi Alyson, I've been reading your books over the past several months and have been trying to implement your techniques. I found it completely liberating to not stress over their arguing and to allow them to try and work it out. Sometimes it goes really well. However, my oldest (7) sometimes hits and I've found that a fight can escalate quite quickly into a well placed hit on her sister (5) or brother (3). I know that my oldest has definitely felt like she gets the lion's share of the blame since she's older.

What I've started doing is if they get too disruptive (crying and screaming) and I can no longer listen to it, then I make them all come down and sit on the couch for awhile. Does that equate to your 5 minutes in your room idea or am I on the wrong track with it?

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Zeemaid - Thanks for posting. Yes - if they all sit that is "the same boat". I can't believe you can get them to sit on the couch and NOT kill each other there! But if its working, go for it.

Alyson

[kara]

Hi Alyson:

I just got your book on a recommendation of a friend and have really enjoyed it. What do you do when one child always gives in for lack of a better word? When I put my 7 and 5 year old boys in the same boat, the 5 year old always give in to whatever the seven year old wants. It's been like this as long as I can remember. He's much more easy going--and as a result, it bothers me that his older brother seems to take advantage of this.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Kara,

One child may constantly acquiesce if they think it impresses their parents and gives them the "golden child" status - however if you are unimpressed and don't care, and they still acquiesce always, you may have to put this concern on the family meeting agenda. For example: When ever I leave you two to decide on what movie to watch, Ben always gets his movie choice. That doesn't seem fair to Molly. Lets find another way to decide on movies that seems more equitable.

Hope that helps!
Alyson