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Amy

I can't say it enough. I love your advice. Funny thing- my mom researched and used these same adlerian technics when my brother and I were growing up. (now 33 & 29yrs old) We were both sent to our rooms for 5 minutes no matter the arguement. Funny thing is.. my brother and I hardly ever fought. Most of the moms in the neighbourhood recognized it and often asked my mother what her secret was. Now we know:)

Clarity

Hi Alyson,

Does this mean you are in complete disagreement with helping kids frame the problem, brainstorm solutions then pick one that will work for both of them (as in the book: How to Talk so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk)?

I think especially young children can benefit from adult guidance on HOW to problem solve.

Alyson Schafer

Hi Clarity - I LOVE Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and their advice is sound. I think children need to learn to be good problem solvers and parents can be wonderful teachers! I always recommend people adopt the tradition of having family meetings for problem solving.

That said --- I think most parents assume that conflict between sibs must mean they don't have the skills to solve the issue! That usually is not the case. Mostly, children know HOW to problem solve and get along, but they choose NOT to because of the benefits or usefulness of being in conflict. Its usually more a psychodynamic issue than a skills deficit problem.

Hope that makes sense!

Alyson

KellyGrimes

I have used your sibling techniques and they work well on four of my five children. I have a 10 year old that over the years has defied every approach I have tried. He is constantly feeling slighted ,no matter how he has been treated,and his reponse is to get revenge,ususally by breaking the other kids toys when nobody is looking,so he neer really gets caught,or he will sabatoge an outing to make sure no one else has fun(because he is not having fun). Although I undestand that these are reactions to feeling hurt,I have found it exhausting to be constantly trying to find the scources and prevent the hurt feelings,as every day there seem to be constant instances where he feels jilted. If I don't walk on eggshells and give enormous ammounts of attention to his problems,he becomes angry,hostile and vengeful.Any advice is desperately needed!

Alyson Schafer

Hi Kelly,
I think your description of sibling issues and one child feeling constantly shunned / and revenging on the others is exactly the type of scenario that is best suited for work with a family therapist. All the positive parenting practices won't be as effective as a counsellor in working with that one discouraged sibling. If you'd like a referral, send me a private email with where you live so I can find someone in your area.
Good Luck! ( I think you'll like therapy - its really a positive experience for all)
Alyson
alyson@alyson.ca

zeemaid

Hi Alyson, I've been reading your books over the past several months and have been trying to implement your techniques. I found it completely liberating to not stress over their arguing and to allow them to try and work it out. Sometimes it goes really well. However, my oldest (7) sometimes hits and I've found that a fight can escalate quite quickly into a well placed hit on her sister (5) or brother (3). I know that my oldest has definitely felt like she gets the lion's share of the blame since she's older.

What I've started doing is if they get too disruptive (crying and screaming) and I can no longer listen to it, then I make them all come down and sit on the couch for awhile. Does that equate to your 5 minutes in your room idea or am I on the wrong track with it?

Alyson Schafer

Hi Zeemaid - Thanks for posting. Yes - if they all sit that is "the same boat". I can't believe you can get them to sit on the couch and NOT kill each other there! But if its working, go for it.

Alyson

kara

Hi Alyson:

I just got your book on a recommendation of a friend and have really enjoyed it. What do you do when one child always gives in for lack of a better word? When I put my 7 and 5 year old boys in the same boat, the 5 year old always give in to whatever the seven year old wants. It's been like this as long as I can remember. He's much more easy going--and as a result, it bothers me that his older brother seems to take advantage of this.

Alyson Schafer

Hi Kara,

One child may constantly acquiesce if they think it impresses their parents and gives them the "golden child" status - however if you are unimpressed and don't care, and they still acquiesce always, you may have to put this concern on the family meeting agenda. For example: When ever I leave you two to decide on what movie to watch, Ben always gets his movie choice. That doesn't seem fair to Molly. Lets find another way to decide on movies that seems more equitable.

Hope that helps!
Alyson

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About Alyson

  • Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting experts. She's the author of the best-selling "Breaking the Good Mom Myth" (Wiley, 2006) and the new "Honey I Wrecked The Kids" (Wiley, 2009). Her popular TV call-in show The Parenting Show is now in its sixth season.

    The media relies on Alyson's comments and opinions. You can find her interviewed and quoted extensively in such publications as Cosmopolitan, Readers' Digest, Canadian Living, Today's Parents, and Canadian Families and on TV shows like CBC's The National, TVO's Agenda, and Montel Williams.

Alyson's Books

  • Ain't Misbehaving

  • Honey I Wrecked The Kids

    Breaking The Good Mom Myth

Alyson's Show

Contact Alyson

  • Contact Alyson
    Check out my new website at www.alysonschafer.com Alyson Schafer 3219 Yonge Street Suite 341 Toronto ON M4N 3S1 905-503-1354
  • 3219 Yonge Street, Suite 341
    Toronto, ON M4N 3S1
    905-503-1354

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