Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Drive Theory versus Goal Oriented

One of the main departures in thinking between Sigmond Freud and Alfred Adler was their conceptualization on the nature of our behaviour.  Freud talks about drives, as in the well- known term "sex drive" to name but one.  Drive theory describes the motivations for behaviour as being the result of our innate primal and instinctive drives.

Adler, however, holds that humans are not out of control, they are not pushed into behaviours in an unwilling manner but rather that we choose (preconsciously) behaviours that will move us closer towards our goals.  It is a future orientation that we seek, not a aversion.

This confuses parents and is a lot of psychobabble to the uninterested.  But here is an easy way you might understand this fundamental difference:  

My dog sits besides her food bowl and barks.  Why?  What is her motivation for this behaviour? 

Does she bark because she is "driven" instinctually by hunger? Or, is a better understanding that she has learned to bark in order to reach the goal of having me come and deliver the food?  What do you think?  Are you Freudian or Adlerian? 

Dynamic Life Partnership - Marriage Class At Yonge and Summerhill

My good friends, mentors and fellow Adlerians Georgine and Dr Marty Nash teach a marriage enrichment class that every couple should take.  If you were looking for a good "add on" to what you've been learning with me, you should check this out.  Class starts April 9th 16th so act fast! 

Move YOU, Not Them

Lots of parents rely on "time outs" as a discipline technique.   I don't mind time outs, if they are applied the Adlerian way.  However, I want to offer up an alternate solution you can add to your parenting tool box that can help when time outs are not working:  MOVE YOU INSTEAD.  

I don't mean the ole "mommy is going to put herself in a time out to calm down before she acts badly".  I am referring to impacting the dynamics by excusing yourself from being the audience of your child's disturbances.  If you have a child who is a power house, you'll only make matters worse if you try to remove them from the dinner table for a time out when they start acting up.   

Try this instead:  "I'd love to stay and have dinner with you, can you calm yourself or do I need to find another place to eat?"  If they continue on, simply say "when things are calm and I join you again".   Take your plate and calmly move yourself to eat in another room.    

The idea is that you can't MAKE them use table manners and be calm, but the benefit of using our society rules for meal sharing is that people enjoy eating with you.  Because children are social creatures, they do want your company and will be intrinsically motivated to adopt our table customs because they benefit from your company.   

Remember, when things are calm and you return to the table, its by-gones! Don't discuss their behaviour, just get on with engaging positively.    

Co-operative table behaviours - everyone together.    Disturbing table behaviours - mommy goes.    They'll figure it out quickly, sans fights and lectures.

Stressed by Parenting? Relaaaaax......

If you have ever met me in person, you'd know I am an ahhh "energetic" person.  I don't find it easy to sit still and relax.  Yet, as a psychotherapist I know all too well the critical importance of staving off stress if I am to maintain my mental and physical health.  

Meditation, mindfulness training and reaching a state of "flow" have become well accepted mainstream ideas now that brain research has validated what humans have long known and practiced for centuries.  

What is new however, is research that the brain wave patterns associated with relaxing can be induced through auditory stimulation.  Yup - I can listen to a series of clicks and clacks at specific frequencies ( 8 - 13 hz for alpha brain waves associated with mediative states) with headphones and my brain can be taken to a relax state for me!  No yogi training needed.   This is called brainwave entrainment and it a god-send for parents and children a like.  If you think you maybe a short wicked type of person who tends to snap at your kids, why not visit fellow Adlerian clinician Cathy Lumsden's site.  She has the full explanation of the brain research as well as the downloadable tracks to your MP3 player (or order a DVD).  Check it out.  

Text Messaging Can Be Beneficial

Yesterday, I appeared on CBC's Newsworld to discuss text messaging in light of the recent trial for the stabbing death of 14 yr old Stephanie Rengel.  I am worried that parents who aren't tech-savvy will freak out and take a clamp down stance on teens.  Let's face it, as a culture we hold this systemic mistrust of teens, so when any deviant teen activities make the news parents mistaken ideas are re-enforced further. 

Teen expert Sarah Newton advices we don't "track teens on-line activity" and I agree.  Opening dialogs and building trust ( in the Rengel case, about the nature of love, jealousy and controlling relationships) is where to focus your energies.   

My teen girls are more receptive to chatting about very charged or sensitive issues by instant messaging with me or their dad.   It allows me to send them to links about teen issues, AIDS, relationship abuse, knock out drugs etc... that are specifically geared to teens and say things like "have you seen this?" " Did you know - that?  Is sure shocked me!" "Do you know anyone with that problem?"

But there are other texting benefits too: 

*teens hanging out with their friends are embarrassed when you call about ANYTHING (are you a momma's boy?) but you can text to ask things like "when will you be home" or "what day is your ortho appt?" and since texting is private they have no problem answering you.

*parents often have a "tone" in their voice that invites "tone" back.  Texting tends to remove those and the hostile body language triggers teens and parents alike. 

*you are communicating in a style your child prefers.  They grin when you text "OMG - this meeting at work is going on and on and on!!!!" You seem human and reachable.

*writing adds that small gap of time that allows people to think and compose rather than react.  We backspace and chose our words, composing a reply that is less reactive than what might have come out of our mouths in the heat of the moment.  More of the salient points and less of the dissin' get communicated.

*and my favorite: love notes!  My teens say the NICEST things to me in their text messages. "I love you mommy" is the best note to get from a 15 yr old.  They are far more likely to type it than say it.  

April Parenting Bootcamp Sold Out - Join Us In May!

April's Parenting Bootcamp is now sold out.  I still have space in the May session if you are interested.  Just so you know, this is the last bootcamp in Toronto I'll be holding until the fall.   Why wait?  Its an amazing weekend that will make you re-think everything about parenting.  Here is one video testimonial to you can watch.

Lessons from a Kelsey's Waitress - Routine and Consistency

Last week at the Calgary airport I got asked to show ID by a Kelsey's waitress.  I don't for a moment believe she thought I looked under age.  I am not deluded, it was just protocol. It's a smart system we don't use much in Ontario but it's effective and parallels advice I give parents.

Research shows there is less aggression and violence when you ID every person every time. With this system, the waitress shows the patrons that she is not using judgment.  It's nothing personal - it's just the rules.  Objective not subjective.  Rules are the higher authority, not personal power.

Think of how many power struggles you could avert by practicing this idea with your children?  When your child asks you for a cookie and you say "no-not now-because I said so"  you are being very subjective and random.  When you get fed up and say "clean up this mess" you are expressing your personal desire for tidiness.

You will likely get better co-operation and less fighting if you create routines and enforce them consistently:

"Yes - you may have a cookie - at snack time.  That is when we have cookies"

"Look - the clock says its 4pm, clean up time!"

Being consistent and enforcing clearly understood rules of the house without expressing your personal power will reduce fights and aggression with your children.

Play Is Vitally Important

Yesterday (March 9) on Roger's TV The Parenting Show, we had guest Susanne Eden, author and educational consultant on our show.  Her recent book Play Works explains the importance of play. I urge both parents and early years educators read what Susanne has to say about the process of play, what different types of play means, how to create a good playscape and how to support play, since unknowingly parents or teachers inadvertently can stifle it by the ways they join in.  

Alyson's Canadian Book Tour

This week I am on the road promoting my new book, "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids".  I'll be doing radio and TV appearances in the following cities: 

Montreal (Wednesday, March 11)

Calgary (Thursday, March 12)

Vancouver (Friday, March 13)

I will also be appearing on CBC's Steven and Chris on March 11th.  

If you want a sneak peak of the book, here is a sample chapter (PDF 1.1 MB). The file is pretty large so be patient if it takes a while to download.  I hope it inspires you to pick up a copy of the book. If you've already had a chance to read it, I'd love it if you'd help me out by posting a comment on amazon.ca or amazon.com.

Join Me On Twitter

Have you heard of Twitter?  Basically, its a new way of social networking that is taking the world by storm.  I have caught the itch.  You can "follow" me on Twitter. Basically - you answer the question "What are you doing?" but you're limited to a concise 140 character answer. Okay - that wasn't very good marketing was it? What can I say, its more of an experiential thing. Here is a 10 part video tutorial series if you want to understand this latest phenomena.