The Slow Eater

Last night I spoke at a fabulous Adlerian nursery school called the North Toronto Early Years Learning Center.  During the Q & A,  I had several parents who wanted to know what to do with their child “the slow eater”.  

Slow eating is a great example of how children can engage in a power struggle with their parents.   Usually we think of power struggles as fighting with an explosive defiant child who is up in your face.  Less obvious are those children who are quiet pleasant resistors.  Being lazy, sloppy and slow are equally powerful, but parents don’t recognize this power tactic as easily.   Instead we are apt to fall for their sweet bumbling innocents, believing this is somehow the child’s temperament or personality rather than the child’s choice of behaviour

So why choose to eat slowly?  Well, gee, look at some of the potential benefits we inadvertently bestow:

1. Perhaps it leads to you spoonfeeding them.  How powerful and superior to have a servant!
2.  Do you allow your slow eater to take their breakfast bagel in the car to eat on the way to daycare?  Car rides are less boring when you can nosh along the way, especially if you get yummier food choices in the car, maybe even drive-though!
3. You let them eat in front of the TV
4. Or perhaps you offer up the 1 & 3 combo; you shovel in their breaky while they sit in their little foam plushy chair in the family room, distracted watching Thomas the Tank while you act as a human feeding tube.
5. You sit like a hostage at the table believing you must stay with them and urge them to eat if you want anything to be consumed.  If you go upstairs to get ready yourself you fear they’ll just stare at their food rather than eat it.
6. You offer them a constant stream of food all day in hopes of making up for slow and potential under eating at mealtime.

Now, imagine you stopped providing the above services?  For breakfast, you can simply set out breakfast and let them know you will be clearing the table at say 8am.  You can give a 5 minutes heads up, or set the timer on the stove to ring at 7:55,  then stand back and let the chips fall where they may!   If they have only managed to eat 3 bites of cereal, so be it.  At 8am you removed the bowl of cereal and simply state with no rancor “ It’s 8am breakfast time is over”.    If they flip out ( which they will the first day),  you can be empathetic “sorry you ran out of time today”.   Nothing else is requited.  Shhhhh. Say nothing else!  I know that is hard, but our talking doesn’t help and in fact hinders.

At suppertime when you don’t have the same time constraints of getting out the door to work or school, they can stay at the table as long as they wish.  That is their choice to make. However, you are free to choose too.  You are free to excuse yourself and get on with whatever you had planned for the evening.  Slow eaters use this to ascertain “special one-on-one time with mom” keeping her to themselves and away from other siblings.

After a few days your child will figure out that if they would like to ensure they have enough to eat, they should eat faster during meal times.   In this way, the child makes the adaptation to their behaviour rather than the parent adapting the rules and changing boundaries to accommodate the child.  Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school.  When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves.   If  you’d have had success with this technique share your stories in the comment area to help motivate other nervous parents to give it a whirl.

Comments

[Jordanna Bernstein]

Alyson,

Just another take on the 'slow eater':

Sage (5) has always been a slow but consistent eater - she does not need any urging to eat - she just does it slower than the rest of us, with smaller bites (and when there are desserts, she likes to savour them with small bites) - we do not engage in any of the behaviours you discussed, except for sitting with her while she finishes her dinner (though if she is taking a long time with dessert, we will go ahead with our business). In addition, she likes to talk about our respective days during dinner.

My point is: someone like her can teach the rest of us about not rushing through meals so to optimize digestion and family interaction. A lot of children are rushed from school, to activities, etc. Maybe meals can be a time where they do not have to 'speed up' and instead can relax. In any case, I think it is all about balance -sometimes a child's behaviour can help us to adapt ours in a positive way.

Alyson, sorry I missed you this week at NTEYLC - unfortunately, Stephen and I have a Tuesday evening commitment.

[Alyson Schafer]

Great point! Just this week my 15yr old daughter commented on how we were all at the table a good hour after the meal was done. We were just having a great conversation as a family, much like when you have company for dinner. We do rush too much as adults and children are more able to soak in all of life and I sure don't want to rob that from them.

Just clarify for other parents: Slow eating as misbehaviour requires a repeated interactional pattern between parent and child. The parent must be experiencing some have negative affect, Feeling annoyed or frustrated, or angry and challenged. Also, the parents reactions have failed to bring about a changed to date. Its the same old predictable patterns each time.

[David S.]

"Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school. When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves."

Pardon? Clearly, you're not an expert on children who lived in orphanages until they were adopted. Yes, some do well enough physically: the loud ones who know how to make the most noise tend to get the caretakers' attention and the most food. But emotionally, that is not necessarily the case. As for those who don't put up a fuss, those who just sit quietly in their crib: they don't get as much food or attention, and they don't thrive physically or emotionally. They don't "do just fine" and they're not the exception. Please do your research before you claim to be an expert on children who were adopted.

[Alyson]

Hi David,
Thanks for the comment. Point well taken. I didn't mean to misrepresent the terrible conditions of babies in orphanages. The point I was hoping to make ( and I guess I didn't do so well as it was meant to be tongue in cheek and cleary came out offensive) was that we are a nation of doting parents who cater, with the false believe that if we didn't cater, our children would suffer. In fact, in situations where "catering" is an impossibility, due to situational factors, those children learn to make the appropriate accommodations. Lets use the example of camp. If breakfast is at 8, lunch at 12 supper at 5 with a pre-set menu, children figure it out and eat fine. No camp counsellor hold off on the game of Tug of War becuase Johnny is still eating. Johnny doesn't go to the mess hall between meals expecting a different meal etc... The child adapts. Adults do not need to cater in the way we do in modern families, fearing our children won't eat.

Alyson

[David S.]

Hi Alyson,
Thanks for posting my first comment and for attempting to clear up the misunderstanding. Unfortunately, you inadvertently published yet another misconception about orphanages, the idea that orphanage = terrible conditions. Depending on the country, and depending on each individual orphanage within each country, conditions can range from pretty terrible to pretty amazing. Our daughter spent the first 16 months of her life in an orphanage in Hunan Province, China. She was extremely well cared for, probably shared a "nanny" with only one or two other babies, and when we met her for the first time, she was well-fed, healthy, happy and rosy-cheeked. However, we know of orphanages elsewhere in China and in other countries where conditions just aren't as great, where children just can't get the kind of attention our daughter obviously received and where, yes, conditions are horrible. It's important to us and to many people in the "adoption community" that people not be fed unsubstantiated "truths" about orphanages and the children who find themselves there at some point in their lives. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your otherwise informative site!

[David S.]

p.s. By the way, on the lighter side of things (and more on-topic), our 5-year-old daughter has, over the past year or so, become a very fussy and slow eater indeed. We have been using the "time's up" approach for a long time (before we discovered your site). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The problem is that she'll often say "That's OK, I'm finished," (even when we know she hasn't had enough to eat) and she'll go to bed hungry (her choice). Sounds fine, until she wakes up two hours later, screaming and inconsolable because, physiologically, she didn't get enough food. And when she's in that particular state, there's no way to get her to eat, which is the only way to keep her from waking up every hour thereafter! Whatever the outcome, she hasn't learned any lesson by the next day. In fact, she doesn't even remember waking up, while we're walking zombies because we didn't get a decent night's sleep.

As for the other approach, that of just leaving the table when we're done and letting her finish eating on her own: that could only work at dinnertime, and even then, only if we started early; otherwise, it would interfere with her bedtime. The rest of the day is very time-sensitive, so we can't just give her all the time she wants.

Any ideas?

[Colleen]

Would you suggest using the time's up approach for a child just adopted from a foster home? She's 4 and a slow eater (usually not at breakfast though), not to mention often very messy. She's had an uncertain start in life - not a lot of consistencies - but now that she's in her forever home, we would like to ready her for life. The world can be cruel and we want to give her the best tools possible.

[foodmama]

hi...i've been reading a bunch about the slow-eating child, and i have to say that yours is the only info that made me "feel better" about how to handle it and not to worry that something is wrong. i've been stressing about this waaay too much, which i already realized, and i just have to remember to give the kid a break sometimes too! my 6-yr-old son has been a sloooooooow eater since starting school, i think. i've always given him food he likes, and when he was younger, i was guilty of letting him sit and eat at the tv (not because of my laziness, but a change that was suggested to me in an effort to make sure he does eat), i make sure he doesn't have a belly ache or is upset about anything. it's just a "thing" with him to be a slow eater. he says he doesn't know why. i do know he gets distracted very easily and, more importantly, i think i've been upsetting him by nagging him so much to "eat..eat...eat". reading your page, i feel so much better about meals at home, although i feel so badly about nagging him so much. i am still a bit concerned about what happens at school, but i think i may have a handle on it. he's honest, and he tells me when he hasn't finished his lunch (which is almost every day!), and he usually admits that it was not because of anything other than the fact that he was busy talking with his friends or took a bathroom break that cut into his allotted time for lunch. my temporary solution to that is to make sure he does have a healthy snack with him (they allow snack time at his school), and that he eats a good breakfast and dinner. but i do have to try your approach of e.g., "it's 8:00, breakfast is over", and hope that he will soon figure out that he'd better pick up the pace. ok, so thanks!!!! i'm glad i found your page. maybe i can just be little more patient with my little love...

[Elissa]

What is a realistic amount of time for a 5 year old to eat when we are eating on the go? We often will stop to get a quick bite to eat on weekends while I am running errands. My other 6 year old son eats normally (the same pace as my husband and myself) We are often waiting for him to finish. So if he isn't finished, should I wrap up his food to-go and let him eat it later? Or should we just say "time is up" and move on....

[Alyson Schafer]

I'd be sure you have a agreed upon how long a meal should be, or discuss that adding an extra 5 minutes to accomodate various eating speeds respects difference, but beyond this - the child is expected to adapt or deal.

That means, I would say " 5 minutes is up - we need to move on now" but then I would happily wrap up the food to eat at some time that doesn't interfere with the schedule.

Hope that helps!
Alyson

[soumik]

Hi Alyson,
My nephew is 11 year old is a very slow eater ( takes more than an hour to finish his meals) his mother has stopped sitting at the table with him as it takes a lot of time. He has also been slow in all activities for example he talks very slowly ( can barely be heard) and could not finish his exams in school due to lack of time. We are very worried about his nature, he has always been a good student but off late has been having difficulties finishing his job.Is there any way we can get his slow behavior treated? Is it a disorder?

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi there,
A doctor could check to see if there is developmental delays, and educational assessments can determine if he is having some kind of processing issues. However, it is a very common for children to creatively stumble upon slowness and quietness as behaviours that feel empowering / or expressions of control. My advice is to show the benefits of adjusting his behaviours.

1) one reason to eat faster is so you can join others in their after dinner activities - its lonely eating alone. Continue to excuse yourself when you are done.
2) one reason to speak up is so you can be heard. If he talks to quiety and you can't hear, don't strain to listen - say " I can't hear you at that level, if you want me to understand what you are saying you'll have to speak louder" and then plough on. HE adjusts volume, not YOU adjust your listening range.
3) one reason to work faster in an exam is so you get your paper done and you get a better grade. Unless he has reason to require more time than others, his paper should be collected with the other children's.

In each of these above the child sees they benefit from an adjustment in their behaviour. As it stands now, the child's passivity and slowness is POWERFULLY making others accommodate him. That feels powerful and special. We need to help children to integrate and adapt rather than feel the rules don't apply to them. These are all ways in which we train for co-operationing: living with others and facing the needs of the situation head on.

Also:
I would suggest offering a variety of ways that the child might find a sense of their own power in ways that are more constructive. Managing an allowance, learning some new competency in being self sufficient, ways to use his strengths to help others in the family.

[Michelle]

Hi Alyson, My nephew is 4 and he is a slow eater. When I give him chicken with rice and a vegetable, peas for example he will eat all the chicken and eat 1 pea at a time. He then will eat a teaspoon of rice at a time, holding the food in his mouth until I tell him to chew. My son who is 2 is starting to copy this behavior. Dinner is at 7 and he will still be eating at 8:30 when it is time for bed. Should I put a time on dinner or just let him eat up until bed time? It is not only dinner with me its any meal.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Michelle,

I suggest you let him eat any speed he wants, but excuse yourself from the table and get busy with your evening activities. No reason for you to be at the table once your done. DON'T mention eating, chewing, speed etc... just concern yourself with your activities.

Hope that helps.

Alyson

[Hugh Hansen]

Can a 6 year old understand the consequences associated with not getting enough to eat? Not just being hungry, but tiredness, bad attitude, poor performance in school, etc. I would love to cut off the eating of a small bowl of cereal well before 30 minutes has gone by, but I feel it's my responsibility as a parent to ensure that adequate energy has been ingested. Until a child is capable of understanding consequences that may not occur until several hours into the future, should I continue to force the child to eat?

[Alyson Schafer]

Natural consequences can't be:
too harsh / severe
too far in the future
impact too many others.

For a six year old to connect the dots that their irritability is caused from low blood sugar from a meal they ate insufficient calories at 3 hours early is not gonna work.

However, hunger really will do the trick. THAT they can put together at age 6. ( I've had so much success with this advice - I am sure you'll be succesful too)

Children in hospitals and boarding schools do not have the luxury afforded the family dining table. When the rituals are established children learn to morph and adapt to fit into the process. This is age appropriate for a 6 yr old.

If he wants to sit at the table nibbling food till bed time - I would say, let him. Just have him put the plate on the counter when he is finished, but I would not keep him company. I'd get on with my evening activities.

Hope that helps. let me know how it goes.

Alyson