The Slow Eater

Last night I spoke at a fabulous Adlerian nursery school called the North Toronto Early Years Learning Center.  During the Q & A,  I had several parents who wanted to know what to do with their child “the slow eater”.  

Slow eating is a great example of how children can engage in a power struggle with their parents.   Usually we think of power struggles as fighting with an explosive defiant child who is up in your face.  Less obvious are those children who are quiet pleasant resistors.  Being lazy, sloppy and slow are equally powerful, but parents don’t recognize this power tactic as easily.   Instead we are apt to fall for their sweet bumbling innocents, believing this is somehow the child’s temperament or personality rather than the child’s choice of behaviour

So why choose to eat slowly?  Well, gee, look at some of the potential benefits we inadvertently bestow:

1. Perhaps it leads to you spoonfeeding them.  How powerful and superior to have a servant!
2.  Do you allow your slow eater to take their breakfast bagel in the car to eat on the way to daycare?  Car rides are less boring when you can nosh along the way, especially if you get yummier food choices in the car, maybe even drive-though!
3. You let them eat in front of the TV
4. Or perhaps you offer up the 1 & 3 combo; you shovel in their breaky while they sit in their little foam plushy chair in the family room, distracted watching Thomas the Tank while you act as a human feeding tube.
5. You sit like a hostage at the table believing you must stay with them and urge them to eat if you want anything to be consumed.  If you go upstairs to get ready yourself you fear they’ll just stare at their food rather than eat it.
6. You offer them a constant stream of food all day in hopes of making up for slow and potential under eating at mealtime.

Now, imagine you stopped providing the above services?  For breakfast, you can simply set out breakfast and let them know you will be clearing the table at say 8am.  You can give a 5 minutes heads up, or set the timer on the stove to ring at 7:55,  then stand back and let the chips fall where they may!   If they have only managed to eat 3 bites of cereal, so be it.  At 8am you removed the bowl of cereal and simply state with no rancor “ It’s 8am breakfast time is over”.    If they flip out ( which they will the first day),  you can be empathetic “sorry you ran out of time today”.   Nothing else is requited.  Shhhhh. Say nothing else!  I know that is hard, but our talking doesn’t help and in fact hinders.

At suppertime when you don’t have the same time constraints of getting out the door to work or school, they can stay at the table as long as they wish.  That is their choice to make. However, you are free to choose too.  You are free to excuse yourself and get on with whatever you had planned for the evening.  Slow eaters use this to ascertain “special one-on-one time with mom” keeping her to themselves and away from other siblings.

After a few days your child will figure out that if they would like to ensure they have enough to eat, they should eat faster during meal times.   In this way, the child makes the adaptation to their behaviour rather than the parent adapting the rules and changing boundaries to accommodate the child.  Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school.  When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves.   If  you’d have had success with this technique share your stories in the comment area to help motivate other nervous parents to give it a whirl.

Comments

[Jordanna Bernstein]

Alyson,

Just another take on the 'slow eater':

Sage (5) has always been a slow but consistent eater - she does not need any urging to eat - she just does it slower than the rest of us, with smaller bites (and when there are desserts, she likes to savour them with small bites) - we do not engage in any of the behaviours you discussed, except for sitting with her while she finishes her dinner (though if she is taking a long time with dessert, we will go ahead with our business). In addition, she likes to talk about our respective days during dinner.

My point is: someone like her can teach the rest of us about not rushing through meals so to optimize digestion and family interaction. A lot of children are rushed from school, to activities, etc. Maybe meals can be a time where they do not have to 'speed up' and instead can relax. In any case, I think it is all about balance -sometimes a child's behaviour can help us to adapt ours in a positive way.

Alyson, sorry I missed you this week at NTEYLC - unfortunately, Stephen and I have a Tuesday evening commitment.

[Alyson Schafer]

Great point! Just this week my 15yr old daughter commented on how we were all at the table a good hour after the meal was done. We were just having a great conversation as a family, much like when you have company for dinner. We do rush too much as adults and children are more able to soak in all of life and I sure don't want to rob that from them.

Just clarify for other parents: Slow eating as misbehaviour requires a repeated interactional pattern between parent and child. The parent must be experiencing some have negative affect, Feeling annoyed or frustrated, or angry and challenged. Also, the parents reactions have failed to bring about a changed to date. Its the same old predictable patterns each time.

[David S.]

"Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school. When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves."

Pardon? Clearly, you're not an expert on children who lived in orphanages until they were adopted. Yes, some do well enough physically: the loud ones who know how to make the most noise tend to get the caretakers' attention and the most food. But emotionally, that is not necessarily the case. As for those who don't put up a fuss, those who just sit quietly in their crib: they don't get as much food or attention, and they don't thrive physically or emotionally. They don't "do just fine" and they're not the exception. Please do your research before you claim to be an expert on children who were adopted.

[Alyson]

Hi David,
Thanks for the comment. Point well taken. I didn't mean to misrepresent the terrible conditions of babies in orphanages. The point I was hoping to make ( and I guess I didn't do so well as it was meant to be tongue in cheek and cleary came out offensive) was that we are a nation of doting parents who cater, with the false believe that if we didn't cater, our children would suffer. In fact, in situations where "catering" is an impossibility, due to situational factors, those children learn to make the appropriate accommodations. Lets use the example of camp. If breakfast is at 8, lunch at 12 supper at 5 with a pre-set menu, children figure it out and eat fine. No camp counsellor hold off on the game of Tug of War becuase Johnny is still eating. Johnny doesn't go to the mess hall between meals expecting a different meal etc... The child adapts. Adults do not need to cater in the way we do in modern families, fearing our children won't eat.

Alyson

[David S.]

Hi Alyson,
Thanks for posting my first comment and for attempting to clear up the misunderstanding. Unfortunately, you inadvertently published yet another misconception about orphanages, the idea that orphanage = terrible conditions. Depending on the country, and depending on each individual orphanage within each country, conditions can range from pretty terrible to pretty amazing. Our daughter spent the first 16 months of her life in an orphanage in Hunan Province, China. She was extremely well cared for, probably shared a "nanny" with only one or two other babies, and when we met her for the first time, she was well-fed, healthy, happy and rosy-cheeked. However, we know of orphanages elsewhere in China and in other countries where conditions just aren't as great, where children just can't get the kind of attention our daughter obviously received and where, yes, conditions are horrible. It's important to us and to many people in the "adoption community" that people not be fed unsubstantiated "truths" about orphanages and the children who find themselves there at some point in their lives. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your otherwise informative site!

[David S.]

p.s. By the way, on the lighter side of things (and more on-topic), our 5-year-old daughter has, over the past year or so, become a very fussy and slow eater indeed. We have been using the "time's up" approach for a long time (before we discovered your site). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The problem is that she'll often say "That's OK, I'm finished," (even when we know she hasn't had enough to eat) and she'll go to bed hungry (her choice). Sounds fine, until she wakes up two hours later, screaming and inconsolable because, physiologically, she didn't get enough food. And when she's in that particular state, there's no way to get her to eat, which is the only way to keep her from waking up every hour thereafter! Whatever the outcome, she hasn't learned any lesson by the next day. In fact, she doesn't even remember waking up, while we're walking zombies because we didn't get a decent night's sleep.

As for the other approach, that of just leaving the table when we're done and letting her finish eating on her own: that could only work at dinnertime, and even then, only if we started early; otherwise, it would interfere with her bedtime. The rest of the day is very time-sensitive, so we can't just give her all the time she wants.

Any ideas?

[Colleen]

Would you suggest using the time's up approach for a child just adopted from a foster home? She's 4 and a slow eater (usually not at breakfast though), not to mention often very messy. She's had an uncertain start in life - not a lot of consistencies - but now that she's in her forever home, we would like to ready her for life. The world can be cruel and we want to give her the best tools possible.

[foodmama]

hi...i've been reading a bunch about the slow-eating child, and i have to say that yours is the only info that made me "feel better" about how to handle it and not to worry that something is wrong. i've been stressing about this waaay too much, which i already realized, and i just have to remember to give the kid a break sometimes too! my 6-yr-old son has been a sloooooooow eater since starting school, i think. i've always given him food he likes, and when he was younger, i was guilty of letting him sit and eat at the tv (not because of my laziness, but a change that was suggested to me in an effort to make sure he does eat), i make sure he doesn't have a belly ache or is upset about anything. it's just a "thing" with him to be a slow eater. he says he doesn't know why. i do know he gets distracted very easily and, more importantly, i think i've been upsetting him by nagging him so much to "eat..eat...eat". reading your page, i feel so much better about meals at home, although i feel so badly about nagging him so much. i am still a bit concerned about what happens at school, but i think i may have a handle on it. he's honest, and he tells me when he hasn't finished his lunch (which is almost every day!), and he usually admits that it was not because of anything other than the fact that he was busy talking with his friends or took a bathroom break that cut into his allotted time for lunch. my temporary solution to that is to make sure he does have a healthy snack with him (they allow snack time at his school), and that he eats a good breakfast and dinner. but i do have to try your approach of e.g., "it's 8:00, breakfast is over", and hope that he will soon figure out that he'd better pick up the pace. ok, so thanks!!!! i'm glad i found your page. maybe i can just be little more patient with my little love...

[Elissa]

What is a realistic amount of time for a 5 year old to eat when we are eating on the go? We often will stop to get a quick bite to eat on weekends while I am running errands. My other 6 year old son eats normally (the same pace as my husband and myself) We are often waiting for him to finish. So if he isn't finished, should I wrap up his food to-go and let him eat it later? Or should we just say "time is up" and move on....

[Alyson Schafer]

I'd be sure you have a agreed upon how long a meal should be, or discuss that adding an extra 5 minutes to accomodate various eating speeds respects difference, but beyond this - the child is expected to adapt or deal.

That means, I would say " 5 minutes is up - we need to move on now" but then I would happily wrap up the food to eat at some time that doesn't interfere with the schedule.

Hope that helps!
Alyson

[soumik]

Hi Alyson,
My nephew is 11 year old is a very slow eater ( takes more than an hour to finish his meals) his mother has stopped sitting at the table with him as it takes a lot of time. He has also been slow in all activities for example he talks very slowly ( can barely be heard) and could not finish his exams in school due to lack of time. We are very worried about his nature, he has always been a good student but off late has been having difficulties finishing his job.Is there any way we can get his slow behavior treated? Is it a disorder?

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi there,
A doctor could check to see if there is developmental delays, and educational assessments can determine if he is having some kind of processing issues. However, it is a very common for children to creatively stumble upon slowness and quietness as behaviours that feel empowering / or expressions of control. My advice is to show the benefits of adjusting his behaviours.

1) one reason to eat faster is so you can join others in their after dinner activities - its lonely eating alone. Continue to excuse yourself when you are done.
2) one reason to speak up is so you can be heard. If he talks to quiety and you can't hear, don't strain to listen - say " I can't hear you at that level, if you want me to understand what you are saying you'll have to speak louder" and then plough on. HE adjusts volume, not YOU adjust your listening range.
3) one reason to work faster in an exam is so you get your paper done and you get a better grade. Unless he has reason to require more time than others, his paper should be collected with the other children's.

In each of these above the child sees they benefit from an adjustment in their behaviour. As it stands now, the child's passivity and slowness is POWERFULLY making others accommodate him. That feels powerful and special. We need to help children to integrate and adapt rather than feel the rules don't apply to them. These are all ways in which we train for co-operationing: living with others and facing the needs of the situation head on.

Also:
I would suggest offering a variety of ways that the child might find a sense of their own power in ways that are more constructive. Managing an allowance, learning some new competency in being self sufficient, ways to use his strengths to help others in the family.

[Michelle]

Hi Alyson, My nephew is 4 and he is a slow eater. When I give him chicken with rice and a vegetable, peas for example he will eat all the chicken and eat 1 pea at a time. He then will eat a teaspoon of rice at a time, holding the food in his mouth until I tell him to chew. My son who is 2 is starting to copy this behavior. Dinner is at 7 and he will still be eating at 8:30 when it is time for bed. Should I put a time on dinner or just let him eat up until bed time? It is not only dinner with me its any meal.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Michelle,

I suggest you let him eat any speed he wants, but excuse yourself from the table and get busy with your evening activities. No reason for you to be at the table once your done. DON'T mention eating, chewing, speed etc... just concern yourself with your activities.

Hope that helps.

Alyson

[Hugh Hansen]

Can a 6 year old understand the consequences associated with not getting enough to eat? Not just being hungry, but tiredness, bad attitude, poor performance in school, etc. I would love to cut off the eating of a small bowl of cereal well before 30 minutes has gone by, but I feel it's my responsibility as a parent to ensure that adequate energy has been ingested. Until a child is capable of understanding consequences that may not occur until several hours into the future, should I continue to force the child to eat?

[Alyson Schafer]

Natural consequences can't be:
too harsh / severe
too far in the future
impact too many others.

For a six year old to connect the dots that their irritability is caused from low blood sugar from a meal they ate insufficient calories at 3 hours early is not gonna work.

However, hunger really will do the trick. THAT they can put together at age 6. ( I've had so much success with this advice - I am sure you'll be succesful too)

Children in hospitals and boarding schools do not have the luxury afforded the family dining table. When the rituals are established children learn to morph and adapt to fit into the process. This is age appropriate for a 6 yr old.

If he wants to sit at the table nibbling food till bed time - I would say, let him. Just have him put the plate on the counter when he is finished, but I would not keep him company. I'd get on with my evening activities.

Hope that helps. let me know how it goes.

Alyson

[Elinor]

Hi Alyson, I have a nearly 4 years old and eats very slow, too. She had a poor appetite for a long time and barely ate. We gave her vitamins and leniency to gain that appetite. After 4 or 5 weeks, she gained her appetite dramatically, but still eats very slow. It will take hours before she gets full. I realised that maybe now it's that power to keep me hanging with her that takes her to eat meals for hours, just because I read this thread. It's really in her nature to have power over anything. The other things I managed to deal with and worked very good because of the helpful sites like this. I will definitely try your advice, hopefully it will give me progress on her eating habit. This is enlightening and gave me hope from those frustrating hours I was held holding her meals and waiting for the next minute for her mouth to empty. Thanks!

[Alyson Schafer]

Elinor,
Glad the advice might help you! I really appreciate you posting and hope you let us and the readers know of your progress!
Alyson

[Sophia]

HELP!!! my 4-year-old daughter is a super slow eater. we tried to leave her at the table by herself after everyone's finished dinner. she could still take hours and not even finish her food. i cut her off. brushed her teeth and sent her to bed without bedtime milk.

our isolation and disappointment didn't seem to bother her. what should we do???

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Sophia,

Your daughter is resisting speeding up because it feels like you won the fight to make her eat. Continue to invite her to go any speed she wants, without the hidden agenda that if you don't say anything she'll speed up.

You don't need to be disappointed, simply let her choose for herself, but don't let her choices interfere with your evening. If she decides she likes spending her time at the table rather than doing others things, so be it. Her choice.

Alyson

[Sophia]

Hi Alyson,

Thanks for the prompt reply and advice. We'll continue to adopt this method for the evening. However breakfast time is very tough cos kids have to be at school. If to cut off the mealtime I'm worried she doesn't have enough energy for the morning. And should we still supplement milk (Pedisure milk powder) even when she can't finish the meal?

She's a very petite girl - 4 year old at only 12kg 93cm..., but extremely stubborn when it comes to eating.

Cheers,
Sophia

[Alyson Schafer]

Yes - you do need to have an "end time" to the meal when its time for bed or school. That is okay. Set a timer to go off when you need to take her plate away. Don't talk about eating or urge her in any way though. You're trying to make it a non-issue.

Good Luck - let me know how it goes.

Alyson

[Sophia]

another problem with my daughter... sometimes she'd force herself to vomit during or after meals... maybe she's just born with a small stomach or another way to show her rebelliousness that she's still in the upper hand?

[Alyson Schafer]

I would get that checked out with your doctor to rule out anything medical. Then, be sure not to force her to eat. She should stop when she wants to. I have adults tell me they didn't like eating as a kid - period. Being made to eat made them sick. So, let her be the judge of her own eating.

Alyson

[Cherry]

Hi Alyson,

I have a 5 yr old son who is a slooooow eater. Sometimes, it's really frustrating and I end up stressed! At breakfast it was a never-ending "scoop...eat...swallow...scoop... eat..next..." I say these to him because,sometimes he would not move. He stares into an empty space, holds the food in his mouth and starts imagining playful things (that distracts him while eating). And so,it would take more than an hour to finish his meal. My concern is for him to be full before he goes to school. He goes to a child care center. At the center he doesn't eat well too. A teacher talked to me and says that my son only nibbled and bites very small. In the afternoon, when I pick him up, he's complaining of tummy aches (because he's hungry).

At home, several times that we will leave him at the dining table because all of us have finished meal. We cannot watch TV because he's not yet finished eating (TV can be seen from the dining area).

My son is an active kid...except when it comes to eating :(

I'm also having a hard time to make him eat fruits. He refused to eat apples, oranges, and bananas even in the company of other kids who eat those fruits well.

Best regards.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Cherry,
I suggest you don't make him stay at the table, and stop talking about his food speed or consumption. Drop the topic. If he has a stomach ache, tell him to rub his tummy - ask him what would make it feel better and NOTHING ELSE. He is winning a battle of the food and he will not change his eating habits if he percieves that by eating more or faster that he is somehow losing a fight with you. If its a "non-issue" he is more likely to eat more.
Good luck!
Alyson

[Jaye]

Hi Alyson,
My son is 26 months old and has always been small for his age, so I have always worried about making sure he is eating enough, but we are falling into all the habits you described above (spoon feeding, sitting with him reading stories while he eats etc). Should I expect him to be able to eat the whole meal on his own at this age? I know he is capable of eating with a fork or spoon, but he very rarely eats more than half before I have to take over and do it for him. Usually after 45 minutes or an hour and a lot of patience from me, he will finish the food, but this is beginning to take it's toll on my sanity!

Sometimes I will threaten to take the food away and he will get upset and ask for it back, but still will not eat it himself.

At this age, is he old enough for me to start setting a time limit and taking the food away, even if he's not finished? I don't want to go on spoon feeding him forever!

Regards
Jaye

[Alyson Schafer]

Yes Jaye, at 26 months he can feed himself. That means you should apply the rule "never do for a child what a child can do for him /herself." You don't need to take the plate away unless you have to leave the house or something. Leave him at the table to eat and get on with your business your done. He can be excused or stay and eat. That is his choice. However - if he gets down and he didn't eat enough, he'll have to wait until the next meal to eat again. He'll learn to eat more, eat faster or not get down.

Alyson

[Vicki Veroff]

I am a psychologist with a sub-specialty in feeding disorders. I am also married to someone who, at 54, is an incredibly slow eater. It is an unfortunate and costly error to make parents believe that slow eaters are doing so for manipulative purposes. Children with feeding disorders can have dysregulated appetite, poor oral-motor skills or taste/texture sensitivity - all significantly affect feeding and there is a strong biological factor; up to 75% of such children have some family member with a similar history. Please let parents know that this is not behavioural problem in origin, although feeding - like anything else - can become the source of power struggles.

Vicki Veroff, Ph.D
Montreal, QC

[Alyson Schafer]

Thanks Vicki for that note. Its an important addition to the post.
Alfred Adler always said "It ain't what you got - its how you "use it". Meaning - many people are born with "organ inferiorities" or what we might call medical or genetic issues. The bigger idea Adler wanted clinicians and parents to make note of, was that it was more important to observe what the child makes of their situation, than the actual medical situation itself. Alder asks, does the child pity themselves? Do they try twice as hard to prove they are not incapable? Do they feel the world owes them an apology for the genetic short comings? or prehaps they have decided that their condition makes them special in some way and perhaps they feel they require special service?

Feeding disorders exist for sure. But depending on the child's creative outlook and how parents respond, it can create an invitation to use the disorder as a source of a power struggle as you pointed out.

I hope parents can be both empathetic to issues, while not accidentally creating a secondary "gain" or "benefit" to the child who seeks to assume power over their parents with their medical circumstances.

Alyson

[Christina]

I've been trying to implement your techniques to get my three year old daughter to take responsibility for eating meals and I'm running into some challenges.

I explained to my daughter that she is responsible for feeding herself her own meals, that we don't watch TV during meals, and that if she leaves her chair during meal time (with the exception of excusing herself to use the washroom) I will take her meal away. I've even taken her meal away when she did stop eating and leave her chair. The meal food is all food she likes and has eaten in the past. I let her choose how much of each type of food to put on her plate.

Each night during dinner time my 3 year old seems to have found a way to outwit me. She excuses herself in the middle of a meal to go to the washroom - and she actually does follow through and goes pee or poo - but then she will not return immediately to the table. She stays in the washroom and starts playing with toilet paper, tissue, water, etc. She takes forever in the washroom, and it always takes some parental verification of what is going on in the washroom and telling her she needs to return to the table now because she seems to be done using the washroom for its intended purpose. Any suggestions on what to do? How long should we leave her dinner out? Right to bedtime? Should we let her spend as much time as she wants in the washroom during meal time?

[michelle]

Dear Alyson,

Your advice sounds great and we are willing to start it. The mealtime scenario has got to change for the stress that our entire family suffers over one child!

Our slow eater is 9 years old, a swimmer who trains hard 3/4 times a week. She needs to eat but does not like to. Should we still just let her go? She has gotten way too thin until recently she is at a healthy weight.

Thanks for your help!
Michelle