Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Take a Parenting Style Quiz

Dr Michael Popkin is an Adlerian friend and colleague. He teaches and writes about parenting under the brand "Active Parenting".  He offers great on-line resources for parents including a parenting style quiz.  Check it out!  Ask your partner to take the quiz too and see how you compare.  

Book Recommendation "Raising Respectful Kids In a Rude World"

If you watch The Parenting Show, you know I do a regular book review.  This week, I discussed the book "Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World".  Its a good primer to discipline written by some of my Adlerian mentors.  If you pick it up, feel free to share your own review in the comment section.

The Slow Eater

Last night I spoke at a fabulous Adlerian nursery school called the North Toronto Early Years Learning Center.  During the Q & A,  I had several parents who wanted to know what to do with their child “the slow eater”.  

Slow eating is a great example of how children can engage in a power struggle with their parents.   Usually we think of power struggles as fighting with an explosive defiant child who is up in your face.  Less obvious are those children who are quiet pleasant resistors.  Being lazy, sloppy and slow are equally powerful, but parents don’t recognize this power tactic as easily.   Instead we are apt to fall for their sweet bumbling innocents, believing this is somehow the child’s temperament or personality rather than the child’s choice of behaviour

So why choose to eat slowly?  Well, gee, look at some of the potential benefits we inadvertently bestow:

1. Perhaps it leads to you spoonfeeding them.  How powerful and superior to have a servant!
2.  Do you allow your slow eater to take their breakfast bagel in the car to eat on the way to daycare?  Car rides are less boring when you can nosh along the way, especially if you get yummier food choices in the car, maybe even drive-though!
3. You let them eat in front of the TV
4. Or perhaps you offer up the 1 & 3 combo; you shovel in their breaky while they sit in their little foam plushy chair in the family room, distracted watching Thomas the Tank while you act as a human feeding tube.
5. You sit like a hostage at the table believing you must stay with them and urge them to eat if you want anything to be consumed.  If you go upstairs to get ready yourself you fear they’ll just stare at their food rather than eat it.
6. You offer them a constant stream of food all day in hopes of making up for slow and potential under eating at mealtime.

Now, imagine you stopped providing the above services?  For breakfast, you can simply set out breakfast and let them know you will be clearing the table at say 8am.  You can give a 5 minutes heads up, or set the timer on the stove to ring at 7:55,  then stand back and let the chips fall where they may!   If they have only managed to eat 3 bites of cereal, so be it.  At 8am you removed the bowl of cereal and simply state with no rancor “ It’s 8am breakfast time is over”.    If they flip out ( which they will the first day),  you can be empathetic “sorry you ran out of time today”.   Nothing else is requited.  Shhhhh. Say nothing else!  I know that is hard, but our talking doesn’t help and in fact hinders.

At suppertime when you don’t have the same time constraints of getting out the door to work or school, they can stay at the table as long as they wish.  That is their choice to make. However, you are free to choose too.  You are free to excuse yourself and get on with whatever you had planned for the evening.  Slow eaters use this to ascertain “special one-on-one time with mom” keeping her to themselves and away from other siblings.

After a few days your child will figure out that if they would like to ensure they have enough to eat, they should eat faster during meal times.   In this way, the child makes the adaptation to their behaviour rather than the parent adapting the rules and changing boundaries to accommodate the child.  Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has adopted a baby raised in an orphanage or someone who went to boarding school.  When we don’t cater to individual’s they do just fine and fitting in and looking after themselves.   If  you’d have had success with this technique share your stories in the comment area to help motivate other nervous parents to give it a whirl.

Toddlers Who Dawdle By Refusing To Make A Choice

I feel like Dr Phil giving people little scripts to deal with problems, but hey if they work, why not? I quickly gave this little script on The Parenting Show yesterday and thought it would help if I wrote it out in full for people.  Here is how to handle the toddler who refuses to make a choice on what to wear as a way of dawdling in the morning. Its a small, but oh so universal problem.  

Day One ( the current way) 

Mom:  Ben, do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt today? 

Ben: (no answer, ignores mom - jumping about on the bed refusing to make eye contact and fooling around) 

Mom: Ben, listen to me! Ben, stop fooling around and get dressed.  Come on - which do you want? the red one or the blue one? Get off that bed this minute and come choose your clothes! ( this goes on for 20 infuriating minutes)  

Day Two (the suggested improved way) 

Mom: Would you like to choose your shirt or shall I?  

Ben:  (continues ignoring and playing )

Mom: I see you'd like me to choose, here you go - I've picked the blue one for you.

Ben ( who suddenly freaks out on mom): No, no, no I want the red one! 

Mom: I am sorry, the time for choosing has come and gone, you can choose next time. 

Ben (continues having a hissy fit on the floor) 

Mom: I am happy to stay if you want help getting dressed, if not I'll go start on breakfast.

Ben ( still flaying about) 

Mom:  Looks like you're choosing to get dressed on your own, I'll see you downstairs.  Come find me if you need help.  ( mom leaves) 

Day Three 

Mom: Ben, do you want to wear the brown pants or the blue pants today? 

Ben:  ( no answer, ignores mom - jumping about on the bed refusing to make eye-contact and fooling around) 

Mom: Would you like to choose or shall I ?

Ben:  (remembering his mother offering him this choice yesterday and knowing now that if he doesn't answer he is forfeiting his option of choosing for himself, Ben decides he'd rather make his own choices) The blue pants! 

You can adapt this to suite a variety of situations:  

Would you like grill cheese or macaroni?  Would you like to decide or shall I?  I see you'd like me to decide, lets have Macaroni.  Sorry you're disappointed, the time for choosing has come and gone, you can try again tomorrow.

Would you like to read Flopsy Bunny or Good Night Moon? Would you like to decide or shall I? I see you'd like me to decide, let's read Good Night Moon.  Sorry your disappointed, the time for choosing has come and gone, you have a chance to choose again next time. 

Give it a go and let me know if you find this improves matters by sharing your stories in the comment section.

Tickets On Sale For Alyson's Speaking Engagement in Aurora

So often my speaking engagements are closed events - but this in is only open to the public, and is also a fundraiser!  Grab your partner and a few friends to come hear me speak about my new book 

"Honey, I Wrecked The Kids" 

 When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don't Work.

The evening is for any one who wants to learn more about their children and effective discipline.  I will have books for sale and signing after my talk. 

Date:  Wednesday March 4th 2009

Time:  7pm - 9pm ( doors open at 6:30pm)

Where:  Aurora United Church, 15186 Yonge Street

Tickets:  $15 reserve tickets in advance by email Jennifer-Anderson@live.ca

This is event is presented by the Newmarket Parents of Multiple Birth Association.  

Parenting With ADHD

Last week on The Parenting Show we had adult clinical psychologist Dr David Teplin as our guest. Dr Teplin discussed the challenges of parenting when the adult has ADHD.  The stigma of having ADHD is diminishing as people learn that many great people manage well with ADHD; people such as Albert Einstein and John F. Kennedy or more recently, TV's Tye Pennington and olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. 

Dr Teplin reminds us that because of the genetic component, its often the case that ADHD parents are raising ADHD children and problems of the "fit" between parent and child can lead to some tough interpersonal challenges and parenting problems.  Alas - change begins with awareness.  Dr Teplin wrote me: 

"The most recent research on Adult ADHD lists these 8 criteria as being the most significant in differentiating ADHD adults from Non-ADHD adults.  Note, however, that having these does not infer a diagnosis, and many other clinical disorders, medical conditions, or mild head injuries can also present this way/mimic such symptoms. This can only be made by a mental health professional, and in conjunction with numerous other data points, and informants..." 

Here are the 8: 

1=Often become easily distracted by irrelevant things that arouse their interest 

2=Often make decisions impulsively 

3=Often have difficulty stopping activities/behavior when they should do so

4=Often start a project or task without reading or listening to directions carefully

5=Often show poor follow through on promises or commitments they make to others

6=Often have trouble doing things in their proper order

7=Often drive with excessive speed

8=Often have difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or leisure activities 

9=Often have difficulty organizing tasks and activities

*Such behaviours also have to interfere significantly with their educational activities, job or occupation, and their social life

Besides getting a proper diagnosis ( ahh - and not from your doctor by the way.  You need to see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist) and working out a plan of action, why not check out one of these book that Dr Teplin recommends to his clients: 

Delivered from Distraction

ADHD in Adults 

You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy 

What Does Everybody Else Know that I Don’t? 

Raising a Boy? You MUST See Barry MacDonald Speak in Richmond Hill

I have an important announcement for anyone who is raising a boy: Barry MacDonald, the guru of raising boys, is coming to speak in Richmond Hill and tickets have just gone on sale. What can I say, Barry is a fabulous speaker. For years I have been telling parents about his book Boy Smarts, his website and newsletter.  

My good friend, colleague and RnR Parenting founder, Sonia Nicolucci and I are co-sponsoring Barry MacDonald's upcoming talk.  He is coming from his native British Columbia to speak to our local families. We know everyone can benefit from his incredible message. Why not take this chance to see him in person?

"Barry MacDonald's compelling presentation is one of the best I have ever seen.  He offers a framework and an array of strategies that will indeed make a tremendous difference in the lives of boys.  He should be heard by every educator and parent."
Dr Avis Glaze, Former Ontario Education Commissioner

His last talk was sold out quickly, so I suggest your get your tickets soon!

Here are the details: 

When:  Wednesday April 1st 2009 

Time: Lobby opens at 6pm.  Doors open at 6:30pm. Talk from 7pm - 9pm

Where: Richmond Hill Center for the Performing Arts (10268 Yonge Street, Richmond Hill)

Early Bird: $15 tickets until March 15th

Regular:  $20 tickets

At Event: $25 tickets (only if available - last event sold out in advance)

Buy tickets online or by calling 905-787-8811 

If you like, here is a flyer to post at your school, daycare, nursery or work place.

Pets - A New Category, A Great Story.

One of my parenting class graduates (and now friend) emailed me, saying they had searched my site looking for something I had written on pets so they could post their families story in the comment section.  Turns out that I have never written about pets! Well, I have Cary's permission to share his story now as the first entry on the new subject matter! 

So, it all started with Vittoria. She was at a friend's house and fell in love with her friend's hamster. Now she wants one. As it turns out, hamsters are not really a whole lot of work. They need to be kept fed and cleaned but don't need too much more than that. Best of all, it's not a "long term" pet (note: some turtles will live to be 100 years old, now that's responsibility!!!) However, since we weren't interested in taking care of the hamster for Vittoria we made a point of mentioning at the family meeting that she would need to feed and clean up after her Hamster.

The problem then became what would we do if we purchased the hamster (and all the accessories that go with it) and she then gave up on the plan? Not so good of a learning experience. So, instead, I built a training program for her. She got her own "cage" (she picked up a big tupperware container from the kitchen) and her own "hamster" (a small stuffed toy). Then, I created "food" tickets and "clean up" tickets. I placed the tickets in a bowl in the kitchen. Vittoria's job involved taking one food ticket and one clean up ticket to her hamster each morning. Then, after school, she would repeat the process.

The first two days, Christianne and I assisted. On the third day, Vittoria did it by herself. On the fourth day ... she forgot. That's when Raphael stepped in. He was very concerned that she was going to let her "hamster" starve. By the end of the week, Raphael had become quite exasperated with Vittoria's inattentiveness. Vittoria suggested that maybe they could put the hamster in his room so he could feed/clean it more easily. He quickly pointed out that it was supposed to be her hamster.

That weekend, we had another family meeting. On the agenda was "Vittoria's Hamster". Vittoria suggested that she didn't want to feed and clean up after her hamster anymore. She then suggested that maybe she could try again when she was a bit older. I have to say, the whole process was incredible. We know that our kids are both very responsible but watching a five year old come to the conclusion that she's not "ready" for a pet was an amazing thing.

On the flip side, Raphael has now asked me to make "poop" tickets so that he can practice for when he gets his Pug.  Oh my.

Showing Children You Love Them The "Right" Way This Valentine's Day

Gee, I can't believe I couldn't think of a Ground Hog day themed parenting tip! I do have some practical advice about love in honor of Valentine's Day though.  Check out my guest article for the Yummy Mummy Club called Cruel to be Kind. 

The Nightly Fight: "Wash Hands Before Supper!!"

It's proper etiquette and good hygiene to teach children to wash their hands before coming to the table.  There are actually two parts to this lesson: The learning to wash part, and then getting them to actually do it before coming to the table.  

The first is the easy part:  The "how to wash your hands" lesson is just one example of helping our children develop skills and foster autonomy.  It's the second lesson that mystifies parents; now you know they CAN wash their hands but they WON'T.  Each night find yourself having to remind them, yell at them, or sometimes you even resort to doing it for them.  

Children usually refuse to wash their hands because they don't want you bossing them around with your "orders".  They perceive that you are exerting your personal power over them when you say "go wash your hands".  I know - it wasn't your intent to be all controlling, you were only concerned with enforcing good hygiene and etiquette. Sorry, but we parents don't come off that way to our children.  They get instructions most of their day!  Its off putting to them.

We can reduce the likelihood of stirring up a power struggle by using a "when ____ then ____" statement.  It looks like this:  "When your hands are washed, then I'll know you are ready for supper".  Said this way, the child is in control of their choices, while the parent is in control of maintaining the social order of the household.   They are NOT telling the child what to do - but simply stating that cleans hands are a requirement of eating.  Notice how different that feels from hearing " If you don't wash your hands, you don't get dinner".  Ouch. That statement is a threat! The power resides with the parent, and it invites resistance and rebellion.  

Try a simple when ___ then ___ statement and don't waiver on the wording.  Let me know how it goes!

Alyson's Second Book Now On Sale: "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids"

Ta da!  Here it is people. The big unveiling of my second book. 

I understand its now on bookshelves across Canada and the US.  Woot! Grab a copy at any major book store, or if it's easier, just buy a copy now through amazon.com or amazon.ca

The full title is "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids.  When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Grounding, Sticker Charts, and Removing Privileges All Don't Work.   

Following in the same humorous and insightful style as my first book "Breaking the Good Mom Myth", in my second book I tackle the big burning issue for all parents: misbehaviour.  

Parents are perplexed by this new generation of seemingly "discipline-resistant" children. Why doesn't anything work with this kinda kid?  

I'll teach you a simple, but crucial technique to diagnose the root cause of misbehaviour before deciding on the appropriate course of action.  I'll teach you how to react in the moment, as well as advise you on the long term strategy that needs to be employed between incidents and blow ups.  

Just to ensure that ever reader reaches success in bring about the desired change in their child's behaviour, I'll also point out the common pitfalls and mistakes you're likely to make when implementing these strategies.  Oh, its all in the details isn't it?  

I tried to cram in lots of real life examples from all your email questions over the years.  Mostly, I think this book will give you renewed hope and a fresh lens by which to see and understand misbehaviour.  With those in place, you'll have success using the plethora of tools and techniques in the book to deal effectively and respectfully with your children in a myriad of situations.

Once you've had a chance to read the book, I'd love it if you would come back to the site and leave your comments and thoughts on the book here for others to read. 

Alyson's Bootcamp Weekend is Approaching. Join us!

I posted my winter 2009 "Parenting Bootcamps" and the registrations started coming in immediately.  It seems that this weekends event is filling up the slowest.  If you've been debating attending my bootcamp, why not sign up for this weekend and get the benefit of a small group, ensuring extra time for your individual family situation and personal questions.   We meet Saturday and Sunday 9am - 4pm.   In fact, I just got an email from a grad of my november Bootcamp who wrote:  

"Good luck this weekend at the bootcamp.  Those people are very smart to have signed up!  They don't know it yet but their lives are about to change!!!"