Vomiting - One More Time!

Boy, my little post on the cry it out method ( CIO) and vomiting seems to be getting a lot of ( negative) attention. I thought I should try to explain the purpose of that post so people understand my intentions and correct any misconceptions about my stance. This is my second attempt at this. I already posted on babies and sleep rhythms to help people understand that I am NOT talking about infants. I think it was the clip art I found that created all this confusion. Alas - I am giving it one more kick at the can! Here is my opinion if you care to know it:

1) Parents should be aware of some basic human physiology: crying creates muscle contractions that can be forceful enough to bring stomach contents up the esophagus. Consider this fact when trying to rule out the flu or tummy upset in your child.

2) Children THRIVE on structure and routine. As children mature they must move from eating and sleeping "on demand" to joining the rhythms and patterns of the family. THAT is the beginning of training your child to be a cooperative member of your family. The child is expected to make the adaptations required to fit into the greater social order. This must be developmentally sensitive. Please note that as a general rule, parents underestimate their children's abilities.

3) Children can easily learn that tears bring results and they can potentially learn to make themselves upset, anxious or frightened if it serves to bring about their desired end result. Anxious children get to sleep with mom and dad. That is a good symptom to hold onto! This is preconscious, not manipulative. This makes for a tricky chicken-and- egg cycle, as mom and dad are rightfully justified in their conclusion that their child is indeed frightened or anxious.

4) If you follow Dr Weisbluth's advice ( which I recommend) you will see that research shows youngsters ( 9 months and older) are capable of sleeping through the night from a physiological perspective and that those with a hard to settle temperament actual respond best to the cry it out method of sleep training. It presents these children with a very clear boundary. Ferberizing, on the other hand, is a form of scheduled re-enforcement and this method seems to further agitate this group of tots, prolonging the development of healthy sleep habits.

So - with all of that said, if you decide to try the CIO method with this particular age and temperament child ( your choice) , AND if the child cries such that there is a coming up of stomach content ( so sorry!), I am recommending that parents make the most MINIMUM response as common sense dictates possible. The most minimum is to do nothing, and that is often possible. But you be the judge of that health risk. A bit of upchuck that lands mostly over the crib rails, and maybe a moist chin- hmmm? Should I go in so that my tot receives the accidental reinforcement for this behaviour? THAT is the decision you will have to weigh out for yourself. Sure you can go in and change them - but be aware that this can potentially lead to children working harder the next night to actually make themselves upchuck as they see it works to get them some extra face time with you and evade getting on with settling in for the night.

You make your own decisions - I just want you have your eyes open to the potential problems that could arise. So - no abandoned neglected babies left to rot in their own vomit here. I hope that is clear. If you have had to overcome some strange behaviour to get on with sleep training - please post your stories here.

Comments

[Maria Lundin]

Hi Alyson,

As a parent of a now 2-year-old boy I very much agree with your stance on CIO. We tried to Ferberize our son between 6 1/2 and 12 months with very mixed results. In our case, the Ferber method was definitely NOT the easy 5-day plan that it is billed to be. Instead our little guy quickly established a pattern of waking for a a few minutes (anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes) to cry, and then falling back asleep for 10 or so minutes, and repeating this cycle many times throughout the night. We didn't know what to do (conveniently, there's nothing in Ferber about this type of behaviour)...so we ended up going in too many times -- and this meant the whole thing actually turned into months of sleep disruption (also b/c as soon as you go on a trip or have a big cold, you're back at square one!)

I would say that for our kid, the Ferber interval checking just solidified a crutch that made it worse for all of us. (It's no accident that waking people up every 10 minutes throughout the night is a highly effective form of torture!). In the end we did what we should have done from the very beginning: we just stopped going in altogether.

We are often still dealing with 6-hour nights, however, because of another pattern I would advise against: bringing the baby into bed with you if he is an early waker to avoid having to get up and/or listen to the fussing. Don't do it! We have and are still having to miss out on morning sleep bigtime...again, we should have simnply let him CIO in the morning until it was a reasonable time to wake up. Thankfully, after more than a year of this, we are now dealing with this based on Alysons's advice, and it's working.

Thanks for all the great insights, Alyson!

Maria

P.s. On the vomit thing I have to say my son doesn't seem to care about sleeping in or beside vomit...this was baffling to us at first but then we reasoned that he is not offended by the stuff the same way that we are...after all, he is used to the feeling of squishy smelly poo in his diaper!

[Tracey]

Alyson,
I had to read your blog after seeing your status line on Facebook. I have 2 boys, aged 7 and almost 5. With our 7 year old, we responded to almost every attempt to attention-getting at bedtime and during the night (including screaming and slamming the door). To this day, he still wakes up during the night most nights and rises early (6:30am)....and this is NOT a child who needs little sleep. Subsequently, we are left to deal with a grumpy boy.
On the flip side, we learned from our accidental/good intentioned mistakes and with our younger son, let him cry it out quite early (I think about 6mo.) and this kid is by far the best sleeper around. He will sleep 11-12 hours easily, without any wake ups.
I am all for the CIO method. As my pediatrician said, learning how to soothe yourself and return back to sleep is a life skill. Look at all the health issues with adults who don't get enough sleep! If we can teach our children how to do it, chances are their adult health will benefit.
Tracey

[Yannamari]

It's interesting that you moderate the comments. And unlike a magazine that publishes both critical and supportive letters to the editor, I see that the comments you have published only support you.

You refer to "common sense." It isn't common sense to let a child cry until he pukes. We KNOW it isn't common sense because parents write extensively in the blogs about gearing up, steeling themselves -- expending tremendous amounts of energy trying to override their gut instinct, an instinct that you cast as a weakness

If you were in a hospital, crying to the point of spittle, and no nurse came to your bed, I'm sure your blog here would rail against the cruel insensitivity of the medical system. And you would be right.

You also talk about "training a child to be socially cooperative." First, I believe that babies are innately social. It's part of being human. We are born social. We don't need well-meaning adults to train it into us.

Secondly, being abandoned to cry to the point of vomiting is poor incentive to be social, and further illuminates very clearly and sadly the brutal nature of this particular society, namely, your household.

In other words, letting babies cry is a hazing ritual. Again, if you had a fifth-grader left to cry in a closet (a baby immobilized in a crib may as well be locked in a closet), and none of his friends came to his aid, and these children later told the principal that they were inducting him into the social order, these children could be expelled from school.

I wish on behalf of all babies that you could be, too.

I know you won't post this comment.

[alyson Schafer]

Thanks for your comments Yannamari,

I post all comments that are submitted to me except for those that are "offensive" - ie, swearing or racists content.

I post differing opinions, its just that most people who come to my site are visiting because they know me, my book, my tv show or have heard me speak so they tend to visit because we are like minded so I guess the comments look biased because of that. Not sure. I wish more people who post! That is why I allow commenting in the first place.

Hope the explains it for you.

Alyson

[Amy]

Hi,

I just wanted to post in favour of Weissbluth. I went through every "gentle" (ie, torturous) sleep training system and my first baby wouldn't have any of it. If I tried to rock her to sleep and then put her down ("The No-cry Sleep Solution") she would wake up howling as soon as she touched the crib mattress. If I went in to sooth her every five minutes a la Ferber my visits just got her more and more worked up. It was only when we decided to try Weissbluth's method that she got a full night's sleep. We taught her to sleep alone at sixteen months, but my next baby was much less inclined to sleep when there was someone around, so we "Weissbluthinated" her at six months. Now they are both great sleepers and show no sign of being emotionally disturbed.

The nicest thing about having gone through this process with them is that now I know that if they call for me in the evening, it's for something legitimate like their blankets came off or they forgot their bedtime buddy -- we have enough mutual respect that I will come and help them quickly, and they won't pester me just for attention.

I am still consulting Weissbluth for sleep advice now -- the book was well worth buying.

[Mya]

I too am a big fan of Weissbluth's book on sleep for babies. My favourite line is something to the effect of, "you wouldn't starve your child of food, so why do so many starve their kids of sleep?" As for the CIO method, the Baby Whisperer books have age appropriate suggestions for no cry methods (minimal cry) for getting babies to sleep.
My two babies (2.5 yr and 4 months old) were both born needing LOTS of sleep so I feel very fortunate that I was referred to the above books which have certainly helped our kids be great sleepers.
That said, I had better wake up my eldest before she naps too long and we infringe on her nice and early bedtime (aka Mom and Dad time!)

[Karri]

Anyone here read 'Raising Your Spirited Child'? The rules of CIO don't apply to a LOT of kids. And who wants to go into their child's room in the middle of the night to find puke literally sprayed across the walls and crib bars?

As a mom of 2 boys (4yrs & 11mos) who both demonstrate "spirit" that parents of more easy going children simply CANNOT relate to, I'm going to lend some support on this one to Yannamari (earlier post). If CIO was the right thing to do, parents wouldn't have such a tough time letting their babies do it! In the majority of non-western cultures around the world babies hardly cry at all.

Western society is incredibly obsessed with teaching children independence. But more importantly, western thinking is so misguided as to actually believe in the myth that independence and security can somehow be forced onto a child (or BABY).

Babies and children quite naturally seek out independence and acquire it in rapid time with the gentle guidance of a parent nearby. Yet somehow that's not quick enough for us. Somehow babyhood still feels protracted because it's tiring and yes, quite perplexing many days of the week.

We keep having children but we don't want them to be a bother. We don't want them to tire us out. We don't want them to be an inconvenience. Startling given that, as a society, we actually have MORE free time than almost any generation that came before us.

Make no mistake though. I've let my babies (not as infants) cry. But my husband and I have also learned to just trust our instincts (gasp!) and go to them when we feel they've simply cried long enough. My youngest will cry easily for over an hour if I let him ... not entirely sure how this could be a good thing.

Anyway, I think CIO has it's place in child rearing. But it's being overstated as a solution for night time waking when in reality it's not a realistic or healthy approach for many, many parents. Especially those of us with "spirited" children.

I've posted my comments here before, ones that ran somewhat contrary to the views on this site (and I loved Alyson's book btw). But they did not get published.

I hope this one does because some parents need to hear that trusting their instincts is sometimes okay when it comes to their children's cries.

Most sincerely,
Karri in Alberta

[Tati]

If someone were to ask me, I would never, ever, recommend the cry to sleep approach.

We put our baby through it for one month. He was 9 months; 'perfectly able to go through it' according to Weissbluth's book.

We had to go from two to one reassurance to none, for it only made him scream more. SCREAM. Not just cry.

By the end of it, my husband and I were almost at each other's throats. It was a horrible experience. We were stressed beyond our capabilities to handle it.

What about our baby?
He was more than stressed.
He's gotten more aggressive, more whiny, and more scared of everything.

But then again, we were so desperate to get some sleep, we did what desperate parents do: take advice from 'experts', 'doctors', who do not know your child.

That's my comment. Thank you.

[Sarah]

I know I'm chiming in a bit late on this but I've just found the website.
We have a 3 yr old daughter and have actually tried a number of different methods. Her sleep patterns kept changing as she grew. She started out a solid sleeper & then decided she didn't like bedtime. We Ferberized in the first year or so, we tried CIO, we didn't do much co-sleeping (I'm a VERY light sleeper so it was no good for getting quality rest) and now we're doing a bedtime routine. You know what? They all worked to a certain degree at the time, depending on where "we were at" at the time.
She loves her sleep & when the fates are aligned, we can all get 10 hours on a weekend (woo hoo!)

When bedtime isn't going well, there are some nights I can hear that the crying is exhaustion (time to let her CIO) and some nights where she's either freaked out or scared about something; a residual bad dream or something from her day that upset her & she is playing over in her mind - usually a hug or cuddle or a little more time together is all it takes. And some nights she just doesn't feel like sleeping & I "drop the rope": I don't stay but I will leave her light on just a bit & let her browse through a book-she's usually asleep within 20 minutes. I look at the big picture & realize that sometimes different things work & it all balances out eventually.
As parents, we try different things and figure out what works - maybe we've just been lucky that ours likes her sleep too.

[fiona]

I honestly can't believe that this draconian parenting method is still being embraced and recommended - with all the information on how damaging CIO is for babies and children alike I am quite honestly shocked that someone who is supposed to be educated can justify such ignorance. You have links about how Spanking is Harmful, so is CIO, there is no difference between emotional and physical abuse. As a parent I follow my instincts they tell me to show my children that I respect and trust how they feel, it doesn't matter what time of day it is parenting is not a 9-5 type job that finishes when you put your kids to bed, it's a very sad day when people recommend to others to abandon their children in their own vomit (no matter the amount).

What isn't on this site are the stories of adults who still remember being shut in rooms and awake and not DARING to call out to mama... and this on the therapist's couch!! Keeps some people in business, all this stored unhappiness!!

[Denise Martin]

I think Alyson should be critical of her own comments, about thinking about how many people she influences. The Evidence is strong, and I'll be sending alot your way. I think that you should re-look at your own childhood and self.

Harvard Researchers Say Children Need Touching and Attention

by Alvin Powell, Contributing Writer,
Harvard Gazette

America's "let them cry" attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers. Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael Commons and Patrice Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined child-rearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds - even separate rooms - and not responding to their cries may lead to more
incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders among American adults.

The early stress due to separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently, " Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're sensitive to future trauma."

Their work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology
Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.

"It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report," Figley said. "It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children's emotional response and
their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress."

___________
"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently. It changes the nervous system so they're sensitive to future trauma."

- Dr. Michael Commons, Dept of Psychiatry, Harvard

[Denise Martin]

Every read any of his research on infant sleep?

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/

Check out www.tvo.org they have a great piece about attachment with guests and (research and evidence) with Hospital for Sick Childre, Public Health and Dr. Sears. I emplore you to watch!!!

[Denise Martin]

I urge you to read our babies our selves - how biology and culture affect our parenting by Meridith Small.

Western Civilization is sooo backword and not infant friendly and we are doing a disservice to our children.

Your approaches are harsh and damaging to todays child and parenting. Please re-look at how you think and speak.

[michelle]

Very young children cannot survive, let alone thrive without love and affection. Letting a child of any age cry untill they vomit without attempting to comfort them is a disgusting abusive act.

[Hanna]

First of all, there are alot of things in this world we do that are upsetting and our children dont like, ie. eating healthy food when they are used to eating junk! just because they cry and scream or refuse to eat or gag on vegetables would you give them chocolate just because it is easier on them? you may say that is a different situation but so is every other exmaple thats been given such as a fifth graders peers locking him in a closet for the sake of social order...the fact is that is NOT our social order its cruel, how is teaching a child to sleep cruel? I dont care what the studies say, there is no POSSIBLE WAY they can link post traumatic stress disorder in adults to crying it out as a baby!!! give me a break!!!!! its completely ridiculous. i see examples every day of people close to me, my younger brothers as well as neices and nephews and in-laws..and let me tell you... the evidence in front of my face is undeniable and i WILL trust that over supposed studies and educated guesses of people online.

One poster posted a comment that in "In the majority of non-western cultures around the world babies hardly cry at all" im not trying to pick on people, but how could you possibly know this? have you visited a vast array of countries and lived with families with young babies? lets stick to the facts here people, to what we've witnessed firsthand. i have a few good examples from my immediate family where i believe not letting babies cry it out.. or cry EVER for that matter (temper tantrums here we come) has had the opposite of the desired and expected affect of being confident and well adjusted... but my post is already long enough so ill leave those stories out. and let me tell you it wasnt an easy or quick decision for me to let my children cry it out.

when my twins were born i held them constantly I NEVER let them cry, i love them to pieces and it broke my heart to hear them, i nursed them to sleep (still nursing at 12 months) i slept with them at night everything that "felt" right. this lasted until about six month...it was at the point where i was literally just not sleeping. the only way my son would sleep was on my breast at night, if it fell out of his mouth even a little he would scream till i repositioned him. this while my daughter was still waking up 4/5 times a night. i was tired, tired is an understatement. it broke my heart, but at the same time i was so desperate that letting them cry to sleep was my only option i hadnt tried. and let me tell you it wasnt only me who was happier and more well rested during the waking hours, but, something i hadnt counted on? my six month old twins were happier and more content too!! now that i know they have relatively good sleeping habits, i dont hesitate to come to them when they fuss during the night because i know its for a reason, not just because they are used to using the breast to fall back asleep.

I am passionate about this subject becuase there is so much controversy, and so much GUILT associated with the cry it out method its very hard on new mothers who are dealing with so many emotions and hormones as it is, without the added stress of feeling like everything you are doing is going to be turning your baby into a psychopath. that being said, every baby is different. if having them wake up every 20 minutes works for you, good on you. if it doesnt? there should be no guilt in letting your baby do what they are meant to do, cry!

[sarah]

I have a 2 yr old and an 8 mth old and out of all of the parenting books that I have read, I consider 2 books in particular to be my "bibles" 1) Honey I wrecked the kids by you Alyson and 2) Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Two very important notes in the Weisbluth book 1) The book does not encourage letting the baby cry as an infant 2) Weisbluth notes that it can be perfectly normal for a baby to feed up to 2 times per night until they are 9 mths old. I found that Weisbluth left a lot of room for common sense and flexibility but understanding the normal sleep patterns for children, his guidance on how much sleep is required and his focus on the family as a whole have been invaluable to me. My own application of his theories were the same for both kids. I have let them cry on the transfer from my arms to the crib and if they wake at night I always check on them to make sure they're ok (not wet/hungry/stuck etc etc) but once their need is met, I put them back in their crib. Don't get me wrong, there has been the odd night where who knows what was going on, teething etc, where they just wanted to be held and that is fine. But the Weisbluth book helped me understand what my normal routine needed to be. There will always be exceptions on some night and that is where knowing your child will help distinguish when they really need something or when they are simply trying to change the routine on you! Alyson, your second book has been a great resource for me. thank you!

[Panic disorders]

There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing there is a remedy that will curb the situation. Before people buy generic medications and even before use, it is essential to have a professional view. The disorders cannot be cured; only treated.

[Sadie-May]

Okay, so what if the baby is really terrified to be alone in his crib away from mommy and daddy. I personally think it would be dangerous to assume that he is causing himself to be scared on purpose. This is only an assumption. I feel it is quite easy to assume that his cries mean what we want to think, since he is nonverbal. This way, we do not have to be inconvenienced in taking the time that a baby needs to deal with the real issue at hand. Just think that he is making himself frightened on purpose, though he may be really and truly afraid, since it was a short time ago he was in mommy's womb, and go about our life...

Native American mothers never treat their infants in such an undignifying manor. So, why the white people? It seems that the white folk want the easy way out. Perhaps, you could learn some lessons from us?

Just my two sense.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hello Sadie-May,

This topic has led to more discussion and comments on my site than any other. Clearly people have deeply held beliefs on the subject and its seems to strike them at a core level.

Parenting traditions vary from culture to culture. First Nations people in the Arizona area had a parenting tradition that was used up until the 1950's. They would smother their babies as soon as they cried causing them to pass out. If they came to and cried again, they smoothered them again. This was repeated until the infant learned to not cry when it re-gained consciousness.

This was required becuase a crying baby would reveal their whereabouts to other waring bands who might attack them. It was for survival of the group, and the babies learned to not cry. However, the Gov't of the US had to step in and force them to stop this tradition when the conditions changed. They were no longer nomadic and in fear of being attacked by still they practiced this parenting tradition. Clearly not a good idea! Yikes!

It was also common practice to pinch a baby to ensure it cried for an hour every day to help with its lung development.

So where are we now as a culture? We are so frantic about upsetting our child or allowing them to experience any negative emotions we pamper them. The cultural issue we have to face in Canada and the USA is a generation of self-righteous children who have had no training or preparation for social living in a clan.

Yes - an infant should be made to feel safe and secure, to know it is loved unconditionally, but there is a time in every parents life when they will know at some deep level, that the child is making undue demands on the parent and parental hostilities will grow.

I don't place an age on this. Some parents feel this at 6 months, some at age 6 years. I only encourage early sleep training because it only gets harder and parents only get more hostile and children only get more demanding.

For what its worth!
Alyson

[Sadie-May]

Wow! Alyson, thanks so much for sharing this with me. I did not know that people of that culture actually smothered the infants to keep them from crying. Wow! I say yikes also! That is scary... You learn something knew every day. I never knew about that. I guess that one becomes sheltered when spending a lot of time in the Indian nations and not so much in mainstream society.

I can definitely agree with you in that child rearing practices differ from culture to culture. We can see it right here in Canada and the USA. For instance, the white people and greater western culture would more than likely practice CIO, and these same people also hold onto the belief that babies can be spoiled if picked up too much. Native Americans, on the other hand, believe in responding to baby's cues before they even reach the point of crying. Our babies are worn all the time, and we sleep with them until they feel they can reach independence. HOwever, they are far from spoiled, and they are very independent and self confident.

I personally feel that six months of age is too young to manipulate. I feel like it starts during late toddlerhood, when they can verbalize, when children discover that they can assert their will. Of course, I do not want to overdo it on stopping them too much from gaining their autonomy. Then, I'd have an under achiever. This is the reason I try to come to a compromise wherever possible--meeting the children half way. We always come to a solution as a group whenever possible, though, we will occasionally have trouble. Nonetheless, we do try.

In Native American culture, children share in the decision making, as well as in the work of the clan. It is important that their voices are heard. Boys hunt and fish with the men, while girls grow the crops, hold down the fort, and cook the meals. Of course, this varies from tribe to tribe, but this is how things go among the Cherokee.

Speaking of babies crying to strengthen their lungs, I read in a book that was given to me decades ago by a white doctor, when my son was born, called "The Care and feeding of Children: A Catechism for the Use of Mothers and Children's Nurses," written by Luther Emmit Holt, published in 1894, which is now out of print but I still have it, that it is good exercise for a child to scream its lungs out until it is red in the face because it was believed to be good exercise, just as you said. I have the book right here, and I will type what it says word for word because i feel like it is something interesting that I could share with you since you mentioned this. It reads:

"When is crying useful?

"In the newly born infant the cry expands the lungs, and it is necessary that it should be repeated for a few minutes every day in order to keep them well expanded.

"How much crying is normal for a very young baby?

"From fifteen to thirty minutes a day is not too much.

"What is the nature of this cry?

"It is loud and strong. Infants get red in the face with it; in fact, it is a scream. This is necessary for health. It is the baby's exercise."--Page 160.

On the previous page, it refers to the baby as being a "young animal" and describes the nursery fence that is made to surround the matress, what we would now call a crib, a box stall. I found it so sad that a baby is put on the same level as an animal, as if they were somehow inferior. It reads:

"A young baby gets its exercise by screaming, waving its arms, kicking, etc. The clothing should not be so tight as to make these movements impossible. At least twice a day the infant should be allowed for fifteen or twenty minutes the free use of its limbs by permitting it to lie upon a bed in a warm room, with all clothing except the shirt, stockings, and napkin removed. Later, when in short clothes, the baby may be put upon a thick blanket or quilt laid upon the floor, and be allowed to tumble about at will. A nursery fence two feet high, made to surround a mattress, is an excellent device and makes a convenient box stall for the young animal, where it can learn to use both its arms and legs without the danger of injury. Only by exercise such as this do the muscles have an opportunity to develop properly."

I never had the heart to practice the advice given in this book because it was not only out of line with how Native Americans reared their children, it is just entirely heartless and callous, in my humble opinion. Nonetheless, this book is a wonderful artifact, considering you can no longer get it, and it is interesting to compare parenting experts and doctors past and present. i was unhappy initially when i received the book: yet, now I'm happy since I now have something from long ago.

It would actually be neat for you to get your hands on a copy, that is if you can through the internet or something if they still have a way for you to obtain it, so you can compare how archaic parenting practices and experts were decades ago and even during my son's time. If, for some reason you cannot get the book, as some out of print books are very hard to get, I could possibly scan mine into the computer and send it to you via email. It would actually be neat to discuss it. Perhaps, it would be kind of fun to have a discussion on your site about parenting books of the past and compare them to the ones written now.

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi again,

The first nations people really had the "4 Crucial C's" all figured out:
I need to feel "connected, capable,like I count, and courageous". THOSE beliefs will increase a child's sense of security so they reach out and co-operate. We are NOT very good at giving our children opportunities to access these experiences in modern NA culture.

Hopefully my books and blog are helping!

Alyson

[Lisa]

I think the key to the CIO method is to know when you are ready, and when the child is ready. For me - for both my girls - this was:
- when they were each around 5 months old
- when I felt like I could fairly accurately distinguish between
- a cry of 'serious distress': something that legitimately needed my attention (teething pain, illness), and
- a cry of 'wanting mommy to come back and play'
- when I felt I could handle it emotionally 'for the most part' (with strong support from my husband)
- when I was so tired I could hardly speak intelligibly ... at any time (day or night).

In hardly any time at all, like magic, they were going down well and sleeping through the night. AND they wake up the next morning happy and full of energy ... and so do I!

It absolutely worked. And my daughters are well-adjusted emotionally (now 4 and 2.5 years), they know we love them and that we're there for them 'when they need us'. All the while I kept Alyson's advice in mind: that bed-time is not social time, and to be 'firm but friendly'.

They sleep through the night VERY consistently. Now, when they wake up night and cry (VERY rarely), I ALWAYS go in and comfort them as much as they need it. It no longer leads to bad habits, it just serves to help them with their issue so they can get back to sleep again .. which is really what they want to do because it's what we all do at night, as do most other people.

Alyson, I'm absolutely APPALLED by some of the comments I've read. I can't believe how some people can take great advice and blow it way out of proportion.

I have referred to your articles often because your philosophies and tips have proven effective for me. I hope you aren't discouraged by this wild feedback.

Please keep up the great work!

[kacy]

I have a 16 month old daughter, with another baby due in 2 weeks. I find that a lot of the advice on this website is very helpful and are tips that my husband and I either do already or will incorporate as our daughter gets older.
However, I simply don't agree with CIO. Now, while it may work for other people, I fully believe it depends on the temperment of the child. For my daughter, it did nothing but cause her to cry harder and get more worked up, and I could just never get past the idea of leaving her alone in her crib until she wore herself out. Either my husband or myself would end up going in to comfort her and rock her to sleep. Up until about 6 months I was nursing her to sleep. It was when I started reading too many parenting books that I thought I was doing something "wrong" and tried to change things.
What worked for us: once she learned to roll over and find her own soother in the night, that made a huge difference. We take turns putting her to bed - we alternate nights. Also, we established a daily routine along with a naptime/bedtime routine (I've found this the biggest factor - she thrives on her routine). Now, she walks into her room and knows exactly what the steps are for bedtime (again, she's only 16 months old). It's not perfect all the time. There are still nights when she wakes up (teething or a sore tummy), but now one of us goes in tells her to "lie down" makes sure she has her soother and blanket, and she goes back to sleep. It's definitely been a long process, but it's evolved over her little lifetime, and I'm sure, will continue to evolve. Currently, she's asleep around 8pm and wakes up around 7:30 am, with one afternoon nap of about 2-3 hours.
I guess the point I'm trying to make, for all the other parents out there who feel exhausted and sleep-deprived...follow your gut. If it doesn't feel right for you, don't do it. Get to know your baby first and then figure out what works for him/her. Also, there will come a time when you will miss the bedtime snuggles that are there for the taking right now, so just try to enjoy it as much as possible!