Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Vomiting - One More Time!

Boy, my little post on the cry it out method ( CIO) and vomiting seems to be getting a lot of ( negative) attention. I thought I should try to explain the purpose of that post so people understand my intentions and correct any misconceptions about my stance. This is my second attempt at this. I already posted on babies and sleep rhythms to help people understand that I am NOT talking about infants. I think it was the clip art I found that created all this confusion. Alas - I am giving it one more kick at the can! Here is my opinion if you care to know it:

1) Parents should be aware of some basic human physiology: crying creates muscle contractions that can be forceful enough to bring stomach contents up the esophagus. Consider this fact when trying to rule out the flu or tummy upset in your child.

2) Children THRIVE on structure and routine. As children mature they must move from eating and sleeping "on demand" to joining the rhythms and patterns of the family. THAT is the beginning of training your child to be a cooperative member of your family. The child is expected to make the adaptations required to fit into the greater social order. This must be developmentally sensitive. Please note that as a general rule, parents underestimate their children's abilities.

3) Children can easily learn that tears bring results and they can potentially learn to make themselves upset, anxious or frightened if it serves to bring about their desired end result. Anxious children get to sleep with mom and dad. That is a good symptom to hold onto! This is preconscious, not manipulative. This makes for a tricky chicken-and- egg cycle, as mom and dad are rightfully justified in their conclusion that their child is indeed frightened or anxious.

4) If you follow Dr Weisbluth's advice ( which I recommend) you will see that research shows youngsters ( 9 months and older) are capable of sleeping through the night from a physiological perspective and that those with a hard to settle temperament actual respond best to the cry it out method of sleep training. It presents these children with a very clear boundary. Ferberizing, on the other hand, is a form of scheduled re-enforcement and this method seems to further agitate this group of tots, prolonging the development of healthy sleep habits.

So - with all of that said, if you decide to try the CIO method with this particular age and temperament child ( your choice) , AND if the child cries such that there is a coming up of stomach content ( so sorry!), I am recommending that parents make the most MINIMUM response as common sense dictates possible. The most minimum is to do nothing, and that is often possible. But you be the judge of that health risk. A bit of upchuck that lands mostly over the crib rails, and maybe a moist chin- hmmm? Should I go in so that my tot receives the accidental reinforcement for this behaviour? THAT is the decision you will have to weigh out for yourself. Sure you can go in and change them - but be aware that this can potentially lead to children working harder the next night to actually make themselves upchuck as they see it works to get them some extra face time with you and evade getting on with settling in for the night.

You make your own decisions - I just want you have your eyes open to the potential problems that could arise. So - no abandoned neglected babies left to rot in their own vomit here. I hope that is clear. If you have had to overcome some strange behaviour to get on with sleep training - please post your stories here.

The Latest on The Spanking Laws In Canada

This week the senate passed the following amended version of Senator Hervieux-Payette's Bill to ban corporal punishment. The Repeal Bill 43 Committee (who I support) would have wished for a stronger version, but they still felt this to be a very important step forward, nonetheless. Here it is:

THAT Bill S-209 be amended in clause 1, on page 1, by replacing line 5 with the following:

“repealed and replaced by the following:

43. (1) Every schoolteacher, parent or person standing in the place of a parent is justified in

using reasonable force other than corporal punishment toward a child who is under their

care if the force is used only for the purpose of

(a) preventing or minimizing harm to the child or another person;

(b) preventing the child from engaging or continuing to engage in conduct that is of a criminal nature; or

(c) preventing the child from engaging or continuing to engage in excessively offensive or disruptive behaviour.

(2) In subsection (1), “reasonable force” means an application of force that is transitory and minimal in the circumstances.”.

Here is how the CBC covered the story. Notice there are almost 500 comments to this story. I started reading through them thinking I would ad my 2 cents but after reading pages and pages I thought better of the idea.

Frankly, I am afraid of a lynching! Maybe all the parents who wrote "I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay" should reflect on what an angry mob they are formulating. Hmmm....

I have a full post on my thoughts on spanking that I posted back in 2004 when Bill 43 was before the senate.

What I may gather the nerve to share outside my own site, is:

1) arguing that because you were spanked and turned out fine doesn't shed any light on just how much MORE WONDEROUS a person you might have developed into had you NOT been spanked. Its tantamount to declaring "I drank bleach and I didn't die" so that is to be taken as an endorsement for the benefits of feeding bleach to your child? - I don't think so.

2) YES - we have a parenting crisis underfoot, and parents ARE loosing control of their children. My goodness, its almost as bad as when men lost control of their wives, and when white landowners lost control of their african american slaves. We must embrace the idea that in 2008, all people should be granted the right to respectful treatment regardless of their race, religion, gender, or age.

3) Our knee-jerk reaction to loss of control is to use MORE control and MORE physical domination to get underlings back in line and prevent a revolt. We have a hard time understanding how to move from our historical model of external control over children, to adopting new methods of stimulating co-operation and developing an internal locus of control, and developing a true desire towards behaving in adaptive helpful ways.

4) Parents need to be educated about why 4 yrs olds have tantrums and how to respond to misbehaviour in a way that is effective. "No spanking" doesn't mean "No discipline". There are other child guidance practices that are non-punitive and evidence based research proves they are the better way!

What do you think? Shall I dare post this to the CBC? If I do, will you come support me there too?

Roger's TV Impression Awards

The Parenting Show was nominated for "Best Talk Show" at the 2008 Impression Awards. Unfortunately, we didn't win (sob!) but we sure had a great time celebrating a wonderful 3rd season. The evening was a 60's theme and I think Jenn and I looked FABULOUS! Just had to share!

Getting Babies To Sleep

Recently I was interviewed by online editor and blogger Lisa Tabachnick Hotta, about babies and sleep for parentscanada.com. I think most of you know that I am a fan of sleep expert Dr Weissbluth, however on my site I mostly talk about the Cry It Out ( CIO) method for sleep issues and not about much else.

For me, the CIO methods is not a starting point in sleep training and I realize now that I have not made that clear to people who visit my site. Lisa and I chatted about learning infant sleep patterns and how to harmonize your attempts at sleep training to coincide with the babies circadian rhythms. Sound complicated? Why not take 5 minutes to listen to Dr Weisbluth explain it himself.