Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

March Break is Over - Back to Work!

I hope you had a great March Break.  My daughter Lucy and I hit Lakeridge for a little skiing and snowboarding.  We had a blast!  She snapped this picture of me on the chair lift with my cell phone.  Technology eh?

Alas - its back to work and our topic on The Parenting Show ( Mon March 17) couldn't be more fitting:

Work and Responsibilities

Give me a call if you have questions concerning giving your children chores and how to help them assume their responsibilities once they have them.   

The Parenting Show
Monday March 17th
Live at 2pm
Roger's Television ( Check your local listings)

1-877-222-5310

Registration is Open for Alyson's Spring Courses

Registration is open for my spring courses.  I take the summer off ( and so should you!) so if we don't meet at one of these events, I hope we do in the fall.

March 29                   Sleep Solutions
April 19 & 20            Parenting Bootcamp
May 3                        Dealing With Siblings

All the descriptions, details, cost and location can be found once you hit the register button.  Space is limited in the Yonge and Lawrence venue so book early! 

We Are Social Creatures

I'm currently working on my second book and as fate would have it, while I was trying to craft my explanation about the enormity of the idea that humans are "social creatures" I received this wonderful montage from photographer Rannie Turingan (in fact, I know two people in it!).

Our need for connection and intimacy with others is the cornerstone of mental health.  Children learn how to love and connect from watching their parents.  How does your couch life look?  These people all have it going on! Thanks Rannie - very powerful. 

20 x 2 : What's The Difference? from photojunkie on Vimeo.

Register for Alyson's Sleep Solutions Workshop - March 29th

Sleep issues are so common that I have created a half-day workshop to help parents get all the information and parenting techniques they need to get a good night sleep! Whether you are dealing with a case of colic or have a two year old that you want to kick out of your bed this workshop has solutions for you.  Check out topics and details here.

March Topics on The Parenting Show

I hope you have had a chance to catch my TV show "The Parenting Show" on Roger's.  Our live call-in advice show airs every Monday, or you can catch repeats through the week, and if you are really addicted, you can watch archived shows on the web too!

Here are the show topics for March.  The number to call is 1-877-222-5310 Monday's at 2pm.

March 3 - Open forum ( any question on any topic)

March 10 - Sleep

March 17 - Chores and responsibilities
Guest: Jaqueline Kovacs, Deputy Editor, Today's Parent Magazine

March 24 - Wired Kids

March 31 - Schooling Issues
Guest: Dr Norm Forman, author of "Exceptional Children, Ordinary Schools"

Still Pooping Pants at 8 Yrs Old

Do you have an older child who still "holds"?   It is a common problem with children in the younger grades.  They check out medically as being okay, yet when they need to move their bowels, they still won't go use the toilet. 

You plead with them to go sit on the toilet, you discover soiled underwear hidden in their bedroom, you find yourself monitoring their washroom habits to see if they are "producing" anything. You're afraid they'll soil their pants in public if you don't help them train properly.  Right?  Actually --- wrong.  Let's look at what is happening:

Why Older Children Hold Their Bowels

Its our fear that our children can't manage that gets us overly involved and as we begin to micromanage them we usurps the child of their proper role and responsibility for toileting themselves. We rob them of this power. This set ups a power struggle.  The child resists the parental urgings and manipulations.  They are saying "its my body, its my decision, and you can't make me".   They "hold" to win the power struggle.   

What To Do?

The power struggle needs to dissolve.  You need to hand over this responsibility back to the child
and trust him to manage it, accidents and all.  I suggest you teach them how to wash soiled underwear and how to do a load of laundry. At 8yrs, with a a step stool, its as easy as a toaster. Once they have learned how to do that, your life is not impacted by their bowel habits, and
I suggest you tell them so, and let them know respectfully that you trust them to be independent and that won't be mentioning toileting to them again. Ever.

The child will decide in their own time how long they want to hold, how much of
a hassle it is to clean up after, and non of that will be worth if it doesn't set you off!

So, we end the power struggle, empower him, and stop being invested in
try to change the child's behaviours.  They won't change until you get un-invested. If the power struggle still exists, they will feel defeated by you if they change, so they are in essence, "stuck" in
this behaviour. 

You can free them to change by stop being involved in their business.

Alternatives to Punishment

We live in a culture where punishment (sadly) is still the mainstay of behaviour correction.  Alfred Adler recognized that our children's misbehaviour stemmed from their feelings of discouragement. He pointed out that you can bring about immediate change in children's behaviour when we encourage them, when we help alleviate their feelings of discouragement. 

Learning to be encouraging is a key parenting skill.   Look at one cultures approach to correction through encouragement:

"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe." Even if you cannot stage this extensive a ritual, you can reinforce and encourage forgiveness by reminding the person who has committed a wrong of their positive qualities and contributions."

Imagine if a child acting out in class was not banished to the hall or the principal's office, but rather was placed in the center of their classroom to receive this same experience?  It would be amazingly curative.   

The next time your child is misbehaving, remember their behaviours are manifesting symptoms of discouragement and encouragement is the cure !

Say It In A Word

Today on The Parenting Show we have an "open forum" call in. That means we'll open the phone lines to any parenting question you have.  The book review today is Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's classic book:  " How to talk so your children will listen, and listen so your children will talk". 

Here is just one example of a good communication skill from this book:  Say It In A Word. 

Instead of a lecture: " this is the third time I have had to remind you to feed the dog, when are you gonna get it together? I am sick and tired blah blah blah blah........ "

Try one word:  "The dog".

Children know exactly what that means and it removes all the negativity that discourages them further and doesn't help resolve the situation anyway.   Try it this week!  Tell us how it went.

Are There Any Other Mommy Half Marathoners Out There?

I have been running with two other women for about 4 years now.  We've decided to run the Mississauga half marathon   this May.   I am the youngest and the slowest of the trio. These two women  truly inspire me.  I never could do this alone. 

Our training reminds me of a great Adler quote:

"no task is too big if it is a common task"

We all need the support of others.  I hope my website helps make parenting a common task and lightens your load.

If you're racing in Mississauga let me know!  Maybe we could pull a team together.