Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Weaning Off Pacifiers

This week past week I had numerous moms asking me what I thought about pacifiers. Here is what I shared with them.

I am fine with pacifiers.  Babies need to find some soothing behaviour.  The sucking motion, be it a thumb or pacifier is their "natural way".  Some babies have been suck their thumb from the time they were in the womb!  Frantic upset moms are however, unhealthy for babies.  So if a soother in your baby's mouth soothes you - go for it.  Its not a "short coming" or "failure" to use a pacifier.

The upside to the pacifier is that you can take it away at some point while a thumb is a tempting treat on the end of you hand forever...  Its is far harder to wean thumbsuckers.

So if you have a child who loves their pacifier - that's fine in my world - but eventually they need to begin the process of weaning.  A pacifier may inhibit a child from participating in early attempts at talking. With a full mouth they may grunt and point instead of trying words.  It impedes non-verbal facial expressions that make up a big part of communication too.  I suggest at this point you limit the pacifier to certain times and areas like the car seat and their crib or bed.  Other times, the pacifier is not available.  However -- should they REALLY want their pacifier, they can choose to go have it in their room. 

This choice of having it in their room is NOT to be punitive. You are not banishing them to their room. It is about socializing versus having quiet calming privacy.

Many children prefer to stay where the action is and pass on having the pacifier.  However, some days are overwhelming and the need to soothe may be great, so they still have the option.

Eventually, you will decide that this is the last pacifier that you will be buying and when it gone, you are not replacing it.  Let your child know as soon as you buy it.  Some people even have little special ceremonies for the last pacifier.  Some invent interesting traditions.  If you thought up a creative way to say good bye to the pacifier, you can share it in the comment section.

I am off to Hershey PA - Home of NASAP

I am flying off to Hershey Pennsylvania this weekend to attend the board meetings of NASAP (the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology).  We'll be working on our new website that will launch soon and finalizing our plans for the annual conference which takes place one town over in Harrisburg (June 26 - 29).

Harrisburg is a lovely historic town especially if you are into US civil war history and your kids will love you for taking them to Hershey Park and Hershey world.  Of course everyone loves the Pennsylvania no tax outlet malls.  But hey - why not come to Harrisburg to learn more about Adlerian parenting!!!  There will be great workshops and presentations and a great friendly crew from Canada always attends.  I'll share more information on the sessions soon.

Kids Cooking in the Kitchen

Today on The Parenting Show we discussed food issues.  Well - I have long discussed including children in the preparation of meals. My children both know how to use the stove and will freely make a grilled cheese or mac and cheese.  But this week at our family meeting, my children decided that rather than the chore of cleaning the kitchen after I cook supper,  they would like to be responsible for preparing the family meal instead as their form of contribution ( aka "chores").

Zoe my eldest (13yrs) is cooking dinner every Monday and Lucy (12yrs) is cooking Wednesdays. 

Today being Monday we started:  Zoe wanted to make one of her favorite meals:  veal marsala, roast potatoes and green beans.  I bought the ingredients and printed off the recipes.  She turned on her music and did the entire meal from start to finish with only my verbal instructions and a whole lot of singing and visiting in-between.

She also set the table ( don't you want your food to look nicely served?) and then --- when everyone was called to the table Zoe announced " I have lifted my fork! you may begin." and with a huge grin she said " I have always wanted to say that!".    Her meal was fantastic, and we had to ask her to lift her head off her plate and SLOW down from inhaling it !!!!   

She asked me to teach her how to BBQ next week.

I grabbed a binder and copied the recipes into her own binder so her collection of foods she can cook grows.

It was a great night - AND I didn't have to make supper!   

If you have a success story you would like to share, please use the comment area so we can all hear about it. 

Food Issues on The Parenting Show ( Jan 21 2008)

The show topic for  The Parenting Show for January 21st is Food.

Gathering to share food is a universal cultural ritual that expresses our interdependence and fellowship.   Yet , in most of modern homes, mom is a short order cook,  kids won't eat and dad is not home.   Hmmm what is going on here?  If you have issues that arise around food or your family table -- give me a call at 2pm. 

Preschoolers Playing Doctor

What do you do when you walk in and find your preschooler prone on the bed naked, a stuffed animal between her legs and a playmate is eagerly looking on?

a) shriek
b) scream
c) both a and b
d) none of the above

Oh horrors, I know....   Chances are the shock will have you doing c)  before your rational brain catches up.  It is common for younger children to play with their clothes off.  If you come upon a situation try to be calm and smooth and figure out what is happening in their play.   

If their imagination play is about doctors and people having babies ( hence the stuffed animal between the legs), that's fine.  It may seem weird and sexual to you, but that is not how the children experience that form of play. 

The yellow flags you need to watch for is if the children are re-enacting sexual activities or inserting items into each other.  These actions are potential indicators of sexual abuse as children often re-enact these experiences in their play.   

The other yellow flag is the age difference.  Children who are close in age are more likely to be in an egalitarian relationship, but if there is a large age gap, the power imbalance and appropriateness makes this less likely to be about mutual play and discovery.   

The best parenting advice I can give is to remember that children need to feel comfortable about their bodies and their budding sexual responses ( many toddlers discover masturbation sensations that are pleasant) so stay "body positive" while you enforce the "public" versus "private" aspects of where we choose to expose and touch ourselves.   Some educators recommend you just leave the children to play.  Some parents feel more comfortable simply asking the children to "change the game please".   There is no need to report this to the other parent, or stop having play dates with this child. 

Most important to me is that both parties are willing playmates.  I would make sure that the children know that they need to listen to that "little voice" inside them that may be saying "no - I don't like this anymore.  Doing this makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable". When they hear that voice tell them they need to speak up and say "NO"  to either a friend or adults if those "NO feelings" come.

Date Change to Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp

Sure my Parenting Bootcamp is a great weekend of entertainment, but I humbly admit I CAN'T compete with Super Bowl Sunday with its half time show and the potential for another exciting costume disaster.

Instead - I have moved the Bootcamp date to February 23 and 24th, (seeing as the NFL wouldn't budge when I asked them to consider moving their date).   Early bird pricing available so register  now.

What Is Parenting BootCamp?

Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp is a one weekend intensive parenting seminar designed for parents of children ages 0 - 10years.  This is the essential parenting primer and toolkit every parent should have to be effective at raising children who are caring, co-operative and responsible.

Alyson packs a huge amount of both theory and technique in a humorous and engaging way that has excites parents about the wonderful foot up they'll have to raising great kids!

You'll leave feeling confident about your parenting and knowing:

• Your parenting style
• What to do when it differs from your spouse
• The trouble with using a punishment and reward system of discipline
• The difference between obedience and co-operation in children
• The basics of your child's personality development and a model for human growth
• Understanding WHY children misbehave
• Tools to respond and prevent misbehaviour
• Positive discipline techniques to replace external control methods
• How to be both firm and friendly in establishing routines and boundaries
• The benefits and how-to's of holding family meetings

Alyson will show you how to deal with:

• Dawdling
• Tantrums
• Sibling fighting
• Nap and bedtimes that stick
• Mealtime behaviours including picky eaters
• Giving a child responsibility for chores and school work

This truly is the best time and money you will every spend on your family. 

Included in the price is class notes, buffet lunch, coffee and snacks both days.   

The dates, locations, and prices are all listed on the registration page.  Check it out!

The Language of Encouragement

Today I gave a presentation to the mom's group that meet in the Beaches at the St John's Norway church.  We were talking about encouragement versus praise and I promised I would post some examples of encouragement statements on my site. Here you go gang ( and PS - thanks for the lovely mums and for letting me bring me girls with me to -- ah --- "co-present" :)   

The Special Language of Encouragement

Phrases that demonstrate acceptance:
"I like the way you handled that."
"I like the way you tackle a problem."
"I'm glad you enjoy learning."
"I am glad you are pleased with it. "
"Since you are not satisfied what do you think you can do so that you will be pleased with it?"
"It looks as if you enjoyed that."
"How do you feel about it?"

Phrases that show confidence:
"Knowing you, I'm sure you'll do fine."
"You'll make it."
"I have confidence in your judgment."
"That's a rough one, but I am sure you'll work it out."
"You'll figure it out."

Phrases that focus on contributions, assets, and appreciation:
"Thanks; that helped a lot."
"It was thoughtful of you to."
"Thanks, I really appreciate_____________, because it makes my job easier."
"I need your help on    ."
To a family group: "I really enjoyed today. Thanks."
"You have skill in __________.Would you do that for the family."

Phrases that recognize improvement:
"It looks as if you really worked hard on that."
"It looks as if you spent a lot of time thinking that through."
"I see that you're moving along."
"Look at the progress you've made." (be specific, tell how)
"You're improving in    " (be specific)
"You may not feel that you've reached your goal, but look at how far you've come!"

Two Spots Left For Power Struggles Course

Just thought I'd give an update on the registration for my "Resolving Power Struggles  In The Family" workshop this Saturday Jan 19th ( 9 am - 4pm).   I have only just a spot or two left if you register tomorrow - after that we're sold out !  So - if you've been waiting, this is the last chance to register!

Website for Parents With Babies Who Cry Alot

I get lots of emails from parents of babies who are fussy, colicky, hard to settle, can't seem to easily fall asleep or stay asleep.  These parents are pooped and searching for ANYTHING to make things better.   One such resource for parents is fussybaby.ca.  Check it out and let me know what you think. 

Alyson Discusses Birth Order On TVO's Your Voice

Today, I was part of a live online podcast for TVO's Your Voice,  discussing the concept of birth order and how it impacts the personality of our children and how our own birth order effects the way we parent.  The on-line discussion continues all week so check it out.

November Bootcamp Grad Photo

Here is the last group of grads from November''s Bootcamp.  Notice we are all smiling!

One of the grads emailed me this morning and said:

"I've said it before, but I wish every single parent would learn about the Adlerian approach to parenting. I'm definately going to try and encourage my friends to attend your February Bootcamp. I  learned so much from the November weekend. Our day to day parenting has become so easy. We have fewer issues and when they  do arise, problems or possible meltdowns are quickly diffused  through consistency and encouragement.

Thanks again.

Michelle Lalanne"

Power Struggles In The Family

Registration is now open for a one day workshop aimed specifically at parents who have on-going power struggles with their children.  Tantrums, dawdling, eating, sleeping and toileting issues are all classic power struggle areas in the early years.  Come learn about the dynamics that create and sustain a power struggle as well as the tools for moving from conflict to co-operation.  You'll have less gray hair, and happier children. 

This event is next weekend ( Jan 19th ) so register now!

Registration Open for Alyson's Next Parenting Bootcamp

How many of you made this New Years Resolution:  "Be a Better Parent in 2008" ?   Well - I have just the thing for you: "Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp". 

Registration is now open for this event and if you have children 0 - 10yrs,  believe me, you should not miss this!  Bootcamp is the essential parenting primer and toolkit you'll need.  It's the best investment you'll make in your children's future and your family's happiness.

Every participant ( there is only room for 48 people ) will leave feeling invigorated and knowing:

• scream-free strategies for morning dawdling
• what to do when siblings fight
• ways to build peaceful family mealtimes
• how to give children responsibilities  for chores
• bedtimes that "stick"
• do's and don'ts for dealing with tantrums
• and MORE...

This event takes place Feb 2 and 3rd at the Sheraton Parkway Hotel North Toronto ( the dress code is casual - phew eh?), and includes having a fabulous breakfast and lunch together as a group.  Come with a friend, or meet new people.  Its a great weekend of work, camaraderie and lots of laughter too!

You'll receive a workbook as part of your registration, and a book table will be available for purchasing related materials if you're interested in additional resources.

Why take my word for it ?  Here is a testimonial that says it all.

See you there!  ( or call me if you have any further questions - 905-473-6600)