Two Arm Technique for Hitting, Biting, Pushing and Toy Snatching

One of the most common questions I get asked is how to respond when two toddlers or preschoolers are involved in an altercation.  If your child has just been hit, had their toy snatched, pushed... just what should you do?

My answer is called the "Two Arm Technique" taught to me by Althea Poulos.  Here is how it goes:

When you witness a situation when two young children are in a kerfuffle begin by ask yourself "who owns the problem"?  In the case of a child having a toy snatched from their hands, it is the child who lost the toy.   Our culture likes to label this child the "victim" and we have very strong personal ideas about helping an innocent victim!   Our first impulse is to rush over and console the "poor upset victim" and to admonish the "bully" who overstepped his bounds.  We pluck the toy from the "bully", yell at him for his mean behaviour and return it to the "victim" so we have set things right!

The trouble with this response is that it actually grooms a child to be more likely to be a victim, because they have learned by standing still and looking tearful and upset (under-resourced or being incapable), someone will come and handle their life problems.  The successful outcome shows the child that their approach was a good strategy to solve a problem.  This does not hold up well as a life lesson.  We don't want to teach this.

The other faulty notion is to mistakenly believe that the child snatching the toy was in some way being mean and brutal.  No, in fact, that child is also deficient in how to solve his life problems.  He wants a toy and so he must solve how to get it.  Much of what young children know has come from watching their parents deal with them, and they frequently learn from parent-child interactions, that "might is right".

The child takes the most simplistic model he is aware of in his young age and experience and goes about solving his situation with his peers the only way he knows.  He has no feelings of meanness,  he just wants to solve the problem of getting the toy!  If we punish this boy he may potentially learn that "life is out to get me"  and that he is a "bad boy" and he will begin to grow and develop in line with that expectation.  Our responses will actually foster BOTH the "bully" and the "victim" idea we are fearful of and trying to avoid!   

The parent or teacher's role in these scenarios is to train the children in ways to deal more effectively and co-operatively with this life challenge. It is a time to guide and teach (the real basis of discipline) not to punish. Neither is a victim or bully, they are just two children in need of skills development and in growing their "social interest" as we Adlerian call it (also known as social feeling - caring for others).

So try this instead:

Drop to your knees so you are at eye level to the children when talking ( this is so very important to creating a sense of equality and respect) Being towered over is very intimidating and distancing.

Collect both children up so they are facing one another - after all - this is their problem and their discussion.  The teacher or adult should be physically in a position that is neutral (not holding one child or standing beside one child - this gives the feeling of "two against one" and we are NOT here to take sides, or act as police or judge).  The name of this technique comes from the holding of each child, one in each of your arms, gently.

Hopefully in this position you will feel more like a mediator yourself. 

Here is the script for the conversation that follows:

Parent to Crying Child: "Did you like that?"

Crying Child: (shakes head or keeps crying - often not verbal or pre-verbal)

Parent to Crying Child: "Looks like you are saying you didn't like, you need to speak up.  Can you say "I don't like that"?  Your friend needs to know. He is a good listener."   (nice little bit of encouragement there eh?)

Parent to Crying Child: "Tell your friend, say "I'm not done yet"

Either the child will repeat the words you have just given them, and speak up for themselves saying "I am not done yet" OR they will say nothing and so you can say the words, but the message is coming from the crying child NOT from you!

Parent to the Toy Snatcher: "You friend is saying they don't like that, they are not done yet. "

Parent to the Toy Snatcher: "Did you want a turn with the toy?"

Toy Snatcher: (Nods, or says yes, or looks at you neutrally)

Parent to the Toy Snatcher: "Can you tell your friend that? Can you say "I'd like a turn please"?"

Again - see if the child will repeat your words, if not - you say them - but, don't fall into the trap of talking for yourself.  There is a world of difference between "your friend is asking for a turn when you are done" (correct version - the message is from the child, delivered by the adult) versus "It's his turn next" (is the adult's instruction, and NOT a message from one child to another other).

Parent to Crying Child: "Your friend has asked you for a turn. Can you find him and give him the toy when you are done?"

Crying child will either be neutral (take that as a yes) or they will nod or say yes to affirm. 

Parent to BOTH children: "GREAT - looks like you two worked it out!"   

At this point I might use redirection to help the child left waiting for his turn by asking him what he would like to do while he is waiting. 

Did you notice I did not make them hug or say sorry?  I'll have to write another post on that too.   But for now appreciate the idea of helping children learn language skills so they can handle these situations without an adult in the future. 

If you visit an Adlerian classroom you will often hear children saying "I don't like"  and teachers saying back "good speaking up!".   If you train children to solve their problems they don't need to come to the teacher when discourse occurs.  This is great preparation for the big world of school hallways and school yards at recess that are soon to come!

Two Arm Technique for Hitting

Parent to Crying Child: "Did you like that?"

Crying Child: (shakes head or keeps crying - often not verbal or preverbal)

Parent to Crying Child: "Looks like you are saying you didn't like that, you need to speak up.  Can you say "I don't like that"?  Your friend needs to know, he is a good listener."   

Either the child will repeat the words you have just given them, and speak up for themselves saying "I don't like that" OR they will say nothing and so you can say the words, but the message is coming from the crying child NOT from you!

Parent to the Hitter/Pusher: "You friend is saying they don't like that"

Parent to the Hitter/Pusher: "We need to feel safe in (house / classroom/ play group). Your friend might like to play with you more if he knew he was safe.  Can you tell your friend he will be safe? Can you say "I won't do that again"?" (Notice this is a plan or promise for future behaviour and not an apology for past behaviour)

Parent to the Hitter/Pusher: "Is there something you could do to make your friend feel better" (This is restitution and healing since someone was hurt.)

Hitter/Pusher probably will look blankly since they have never done this before.

Parent to Crying Child: "would you like a hug from him?" (It's okay for them to say no... but if they say yes...)

Parent to Hitter/Pusher: "Your friend is saying they'd like a hug - would you like to give one?" (It's okay for them to say no... but usually they do just hug)

Parent to BOTH children: "GREAT - looks like you two are ready to play together safely again!"

Comments

[Liz]

I like these vignette situations and try to work in a similar way with my 3 children. Seems very simple. However, in reference to the situation of turn taking - "Can you tell your friend that I'd like a turn please," it would be helpful to explore a response for the child that will NOT give the other child a turn. Any advice?

[Alyson Schafer]

Hi Liz,

Great question....

I beleive that children should have the same rights over their belongings as adults do. If you own it - you have the right to decide if you want to share or NOT share.

That said -- I also want children to know that the toys / possessions in the play area or common area (or classroom) are for EVERYONE's use. If they don't want to share, the item needs to stay in their bedroom / private space.

I recommend that before a play date the child look around and see if there is anything they don't want shared that day and put it away.

If, after a fight - when you say " can he have a turn after your done" and the child says "no" I would process the real message behind those words with the children...

"sounds like your pretty upset with your friend if you still don't feel like sharing with him eh?.... is that right ? ( I don't like to assume so I always want to talk in away that states it as a guess or hypothesis and have the child confirm if I am guessing correctly)

"You're friend is letting you know they still don't feel like sharing / playing with you -- is there something you could do to make them feel beter and perhaps then they might want to share again / play again??"

Many kids will blurt out "I am sorry" but I recommend something other than that - or in addition to that, such as a hug, or a promise to be gentler in the future. Sometimes children feel better having some space and so the attempt at healing and repair may come a bit later when you might check in again with how they are feeling.

Is that helpful?

Alyson

[Rebecca Hiebert]

You don't force a child to give up the toy so the other can have a turn. Whether to share or not is up to the child and you can only teach the value that sharing makes the other person happy.

You could say:

"Jimmy would you like a turn?" Jimmy indicates yes

"Tommy, Jimmy would like to play with the toy when you are finished. When you are ready you can give it to him."

You then go an do something else with yourself, you DON'T stay to monitor when the toy is given. It is between them.

If Tommy gives the toy then you can say: "That made Jimmy really happy that you gave him the toy." If he does not, Tommy will abandon the toy at some point and Jimmy will go get it, if he still wants it. If Tommy never gives the toy you can talk to him at another neutral time about how sharing makes the other person happy.

Trust me, I have seen this exact senario as I have described it happen with my son and my nephew.

It my feel like you are letting the child down who wants his turn but really you are teaching him to think and act for himself and to be patient. Why should you decide when the toy is given up anyway...

[Anon]

My daughter tends not to fuss when toys are taken from her, so until now, I usually do not intervene (unless she gets upset). I'm torn between, should I still intervene even if she doesn't seem to care, or should I not make a big deal of it until she "tells" me there's an issue? I don't want to create an issue with her if there isn't one but don't want her to feel bullied either. Any thoughts? Thx.

[Stephanie]

I really love the advice offered on how to handle these situations. Could you offer some ideas on how to handle the same situations when you don't know the other child, like at a playground? My son is 18 months old, mostly non-verbal, and having just moved we spend most of the time at playgrounds with children we don't know. As I can't pick up a child I don't know, do you have some advice on how to handle this in a similar way without touching? Very appreciated, Thanks.

[Mary]

My child is 2 1/2 and does not bite other children, but bites his parents, specificially his father. We have tried every text book punishment ie time-out, firmly hold hands and explaining biting is wrong, taking toys away etc... Nothing works.
Any suggestions?

[saania]

hi , its a very good idea but i v a toddler who has not started speaking and a 6 month baby how can i solve this problem of snatching and hitting between them

[Cheryl]

I have a 2 1/2 year old girl. As a baby she was very placid and if a toy was taken away from her( from her older brother mostly) she would just move on to another toy. Now, when she is in a day care facility while I am not there there has been reports that she is taking toys, pushing and biting. I never had this happen with my son. I am thinking that maybe because he has done this to her several times now she is not going to take it and she is defending herself in a bad way. From what i have read here maybe I should advise the caretakers of this method. I have been telling the caretakers to put her in time out which by what your method is saying is the wrong thing to do. Thanks for the advise i will practice this with her and hopefully the situation will dissolve.