I had an email from a mom this week who had a little guy starting kindergarten that refused to eat his lunch at school. At first she was very concerned but then she realized that he might be doing this for attention because he would keep talking about it. Wisely, she began ignoring it. The question she had for me was what to do about his request to eat the lunch she packed when he got home from school. Should he be allowed to eat from his lunch box at 3:30pm? OR - do you use the whole "the time to eat has come and gone - you made your choice at lunch time - now you need to wait until dinner"
What do you think?
Let him eat it?
Make him wait for supper - the logical consequence?
This is a question for all you out there that have taken my course or who have been studying Adlerian child guidance practices. Its also the kind of question that keeps us working with the theory all the time. Can you see it both ways?
So do you want the answer I gave?
I start always by trying to step inside the mind of the child and find out the usefulness of the behavior. I believe the boy was refusing to eat lunch as a kind of hunger strike, hoping that it would maybe get him withdrawn from kindergarten. Which of the 4 goals of misbehavior is that?
- attention
- power
- revenge
- avoidance
I think the boy has a goal of power in his hunger strike. Often eating, sleeping and toileting is where children discover they can make a bid for power because parents can't control the child's biological functions and kids like to remind parents of this!
If we agree that there is a power struggle between mom and the kindergarten student, then apply a logical consequence is NOT recommended. Why? because so often when we use logical consequences as a discipline technique we inadvertently do so in a way that is simply a camouflage to wielding our autocratic power over our children and it backfires!
Repeat - do not use logical consequences for dealing with power struggles!
So what do we do instead? In this case, I would recommend that if mom's goal is to end the power struggle so her child will eat at regular times, the best way to get him eating like the rest of society is to make a non-issue out of it. The fighting over lunch eating needs to end. I say, let him eat his lunch when he gets home, and I predict that in a few days when he sees that mother doesn't care about either his hunger strike or his after school eating that he will commence eating lunch at school like everybody else. He stands to gain nothing by doing it any other way. NOT eating at lunch is no longer making a statement that anyone cares about. Who would sit hungry and NOT eat if there was no benefit to be gain? Mom's lack of concern over her child's eating schedule will more quickly allow him to adopt a regular one. Insisting he eat at school and not at 3:30 will add fuel to the fire of this fight and no doubt create the opposition he enjoys. By trying to manipulate his choices by a consequence only serves to further the power struggle and will actually delay his interest in adopting regular eating habits.
It might feel permissive to you, to allow the child to eat their lunch at 3:30 - but I think it will not be for many days if you have ended the power struggle.
Great questions - keep them coming! We all learn from others and that is what this site is about.
Wow! This is great advice! i have done the same thing. When my children did not want to eat during mealtime, I did not care about it. I left things around the house for them to get, and that was that. I made no big deal about it, and eventually, they came to.
I have two children who are minors. One who is thirteen, the same age as yours, and one who is ten, who is my Aspie child. She will refuse foods because they are a certain texture or color. For the texture thing, i have no way to even get her to eat, and for the food that is a color she does not like, I allow her to dye the food the color she does like. What I've done thus far is to just not prepare food that is the texture she hates and stick to what she likes; however, it is not going over well with my thirteen year old. For the past few years, I've just allowed them both to eat separate things, but some parents feel I'm being too permissive. I do not feel i'm being that way because my ten year old has special needs, and I feel I should cater to them. My thirteen year old should not be left out because of my other daughter's special needs: or, she might resent her sister. So, I've just done the everybody eats something different approach, though, I know that is not conventional. What do you recommend.
Posted by: sadie-may | June 18, 2009 at 06:35 PM