I just got this wonderful email from a course graduate of my Introduction to Democratic Parenting course. I love knowing how people are making out with what they have learned in the course. He gave me permission to share this. I hope it inspires others to continue on in their work to build democratic practices in their families too!
Hi Alyson,
I hope you and yours are well! I’m writing to share a couple of successes we’ve had in our family, successes that reflect and reinforce our commitment to being a democratic family.
The first story is about something our 4-year old, Adam, said one recent morning. All four of us were in the car on our usual morning time drop-off run. Diane and I happened to be talking about some of the logistics for the upcoming weekend, especially Sunday afternoon when Diane was to have coffee with some friends she had know from her mom’s group.
Adam, piping up from the back seat: “Where are you going, Mommy?”
Diane: “Oh, I’m just going to spend some time with some friends. These are people who you’ve met though you may not remember them all. We used to get together frequently right after you were born.
Adam: “Why are you going?”
Diane: “Well, we want to see how each other is doing and what their children are up to. Adam, what should I tell them about you?”
Adam, with only the slightest pause: “You can tell them I’m capable.”
The second story falls into the “I’ve-always-known-but-never-did-anything-about-it” category. I think I was in the first class of your 6-week parenting seminar when I realized, “This stuff is about me and my behaviour, not about the kids and theirs. We all came here to learn how to affect our children’s behaviour. Though Alyson’s delivering that, she’s really showing us how we must change ourselves. And it’s probably a good thing that she’s not saying, ‘You change first’ because we’d all likely resist.” That was about 18 months ago.
Since then, Diane and I have been applying the principles and methods you taught and have been enjoying the process and the improvements in our family’s lives. Of course, we still experience some difficulties. When we do, it almost always takes the form a power struggle with the kids. Power struggles, you taught us, are the child’s way of saying, “Back off; you’re not the boss of me. I can do this on my own.” And you taught us that the key to knowing you’re in a power struggle is your own feeling of being challenged.
Now, I’ve “known” that for more than a year. And almost everyday, we get into power struggles with Adam (and, increasingly, with Jack who is 2). And, based on my style and upbringing, my response to feeling challenged is anger vented in bursts, loudly! (That is, I snap.) I don’t like this response. I never have. Yet, I continued to do it. Harrumpf!!
One day, at a family meeting, I laid down a new commitment for myself. During the problem solving section of our meeting I announced my displeasure with how I’m handling these things and asked for help. Adam, who is 4, said, “OK, Daddy. I could help by telling you you’re not being very nice.” And Jack, who is 2, said, “And I can give you a hug.”
Since then, the power struggles remain and may be diminishing. And there’s been much less anger and many more hugs.
Thank you!
Mike.
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