Potty Training - When to Start and When to Stop

Parents want to know when to start potty training.  Here is my answer:

• Begin "training" when your child is verbal and start by helping them learn the language they'll need like "pee" "poo" "bum"  "potty" "toilet" etc...
• Somewhere in the middle of their second year, you can buy a potty and get some fun children's books about potty training.
• Let them see you using the toilet (if you are like me you have never had a minute alone in the washroom anyways!) and let them "play"/"imitate" you by either sitting on their potty or the toilet (with their pants still on is typical) or putting their dolls on.  This is still about "play" and not "trying" to use the toilet.
• Show them how to dress and undress so they can pull their pants down and up on their own.  Show them how to wash and dry their hands at the sink.  These areas should be kid friendly with step stools and easy to reach soap and towels.
• Look for 2-3 hour periods of dryness and predictable bowel movements each day. 

Body maturation and awareness comes in three stages: "I peed", "I am peeing", and "I have to pee". While they share "I peed" and "I am peeing", you can smile and say encouraging comments like "hey, you are really getting to know your body!"

Only when they get to the "I need to pee" stage, which means they now are able to hold their bladder and have a chance to actually plan to get to the potty is it time to invite them to try to use the toilet or potty. This, in my opinion, is when active potty training takes place (somewhere around between 2 1/2 and 3 years) and it means having you child wear fast to pull down track pants or leggings - no zippers, belts, buckles, overall please. 

Now you can invite them to try to do that pee (which they now know they are holding) on a potty!  It's an invitation to try - not a life sentence of sitting until something happens!  They can sit and try, and when they want to get up so be it!  They can try anytime they like.  The next time they announce "I have to pee" say "do you wanna try the potty?" and if they say yes - say "Let's go", and then move quickly to the potty and get them on there fast.  They can't hold for long at this stage.   If they don't make it to the toilet, say "That's okay, you're learning!" and stay positive.

When to stop training - you are being too forceful or are taking over the lead:

• If they say NO.  No means NO and you have to respect that.  If they don't want to use a toilet they may be ready physically, but not psychologically. 
• If they are holding or constipated - what ever you might be doing - back off!
• If they have so many accidents and never even make an attempt to hold or get to the toilet.
• If they don't go when they are on the potty but then go immediately after being re-dressed.
• If they hide to go.

Hope that gives you a good start!

Comments

[Monica]

Hi Alyson,
Thank you very much for your potty training suggestions. My son is 2 1/2 and seems physically ready to potty train, but not at all interested in using his potty (that he selected on a shopping trip a few weeks ago). His dad and I let him observe us going to the washroom, which does seem to interest him, but when we ask him about using the potty, the suggestion is met with a resounding "NO". He has a doll that sits on his potty; we have read kids books together about potty-training; and he is highly verbal, stringing together full sentences and telling jokes and stories. We do not want to push him, but are concerned because he is scheduled to start nursery school in the fall and must be toilet trained to do so. Other parents have suggested that we just take away his diapers and let the chips (and everything else) fall where they may. What do you think? I absolutely do not want to resort to bribes.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my question.

[Mary-Elizabeth]

Hi Alyson,

We have a daughter who turned 3 in August, and an 8 week old baby. Our daughter was toilet trained at the end of June (motivated by some teasing at daycare). Most recently she is having multiple accidents a day. When we ask her to go to the toilet she refuses and gets very adamant that she's not going. Sometimes then goes ahead and pees in her pants. My pediatrician is adamant that we not use pull ups with her (we went straight to underwear from diapers, done in 2 days) however she is asking to use a pull up. It is becoming just one of the many many struggles we are experiencing right now. I want to go to pull ups and let her decide when she wants to go back to underwear but my husband disagrees. Do you have any advice?

Thank you for this wonderful website!
Mary-Elizabeth

[Amy]

Dear Alyson-
I was so relieved to see your comments on when to STOP potty training. Our 3 year old daughter is saying 'no' to the potty and having lots of accidents. We have potty books and movies and were using a reward system that seemed to be working well. We had days when she would have no accidents at all, but then her interest dropped off and she began having more and more accidents.
We have tried weeks of putting her into real underwear, going without underwear,(while at home) and I have even tried cloth diaper-training pants. None of these options has worked. We took your advice and completely stopped potty training about 3 weeks ago and she has only decided to go on the toilet 3 or 4 times in that 3 week period. To discribe her, she is very independent, busy, athletic, smart, has an excellent vocabulary and diction as well as an incredible long term memory. She is not a good listener and tends to have a very short attention span. She is very socialized and in her second year of preschool. We also have a 9 mth old son and she has made comments about wanting to be a baby and wear diapers.
I am quite concerned about this behaviour and don't know how to re-introduce toilet training to her. I imagine you have questions pouring in on a multitude of subjects and I thank you for considering our predicament.

[Holly]

I've read over the notes on when to stop potty training. I'm thinking I may have to just go that way. I do feel a little upset at that of course. I wonder though that if we stop potty training will he continue to go pee on the potty or will he stop everything altogether? The only issue we're having is with the poo. For awhile I was chalking it up to his being three and checking his boundaries but he's been doing it for so long now that it can't just be that.
Thank you for the advice. Your show and website are a fountain of amazing information!

[Alyson Schafer]

Thanks for your comment Holly and your kind words about the site and show. Will he poop in a pull up if one is offered?