Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Potty Training - When to Start and When to Stop

Parents want to know when to start potty training.  Here is my answer:

• Begin "training" when your child is verbal and start by helping them learn the language they'll need like "pee" "poo" "bum"  "potty" "toilet" etc...
• Somewhere in the middle of their second year, you can buy a potty and get some fun children's books about potty training.
• Let them see you using the toilet (if you are like me you have never had a minute alone in the washroom anyways!) and let them "play"/"imitate" you by either sitting on their potty or the toilet (with their pants still on is typical) or putting their dolls on.  This is still about "play" and not "trying" to use the toilet.
• Show them how to dress and undress so they can pull their pants down and up on their own.  Show them how to wash and dry their hands at the sink.  These areas should be kid friendly with step stools and easy to reach soap and towels.
• Look for 2-3 hour periods of dryness and predictable bowel movements each day. 

Body maturation and awareness comes in three stages: "I peed", "I am peeing", and "I have to pee". While they share "I peed" and "I am peeing", you can smile and say encouraging comments like "hey, you are really getting to know your body!"

Only when they get to the "I need to pee" stage, which means they now are able to hold their bladder and have a chance to actually plan to get to the potty is it time to invite them to try to use the toilet or potty. This, in my opinion, is when active potty training takes place (somewhere around between 2 1/2 and 3 years) and it means having you child wear fast to pull down track pants or leggings - no zippers, belts, buckles, overall please. 

Now you can invite them to try to do that pee (which they now know they are holding) on a potty!  It's an invitation to try - not a life sentence of sitting until something happens!  They can sit and try, and when they want to get up so be it!  They can try anytime they like.  The next time they announce "I have to pee" say "do you wanna try the potty?" and if they say yes - say "Let's go", and then move quickly to the potty and get them on there fast.  They can't hold for long at this stage.   If they don't make it to the toilet, say "That's okay, you're learning!" and stay positive.

When to stop training - you are being too forceful or are taking over the lead:

• If they say NO.  No means NO and you have to respect that.  If they don't want to use a toilet they may be ready physically, but not psychologically. 
• If they are holding or constipated - what ever you might be doing - back off!
• If they have so many accidents and never even make an attempt to hold or get to the toilet.
• If they don't go when they are on the potty but then go immediately after being re-dressed.
• If they hide to go.

Hope that gives you a good start!

Testimonial for Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp

Still debating if Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp> is for you? Here is one family's testimonial. (Sorry about the cut off head Eren!)

Sleep Research Every Parent Should Know About

Po Bronson has published another great piece called "Snooze or Lose" in New York Magazine. Wow - fascinating. It's a longer story but well worth the read. Here is the gist of it:

Overstimulated, over-scheduled kids are getting at least an hour’s less sleep than they need, a deficiency that, new research reveals, has the power to set their cognitive abilities back years.

Also check out the great sidebar article by Ashely Merryman called "How to Get Your Kids to Sleep More" which has some unconventional answers to this common question.

Trauma-free Toothbrushing

With Halloween approaching, I know moms and dads will be wishing they had some better strategies to deal with the child who hates tooth brushing.

Here's one way - Apply A Logical (logical to the child!) Consequence

One gift we can give our children is the understanding that in all of life we must take together both our rights and our responsibilities. Applying logical consequences is one part of parenting that respectfully teaches children their responsibilities.

In order for a logical consequence to be effective (and not punitive) it must be:

* Respectful
* Related to the freedom or right
* Revealed to the child in advance so they are able to make a choice.

So let's see what that looks like for Halloween treats and brushing teeth:

Your children would like to have the freedom to eat (some) sweets. That freedom comes with the responsibility of caring for their teeth by removing the sugar that causes tooth decay. They are a package deal. They should be inseparable.

Let your child know that so long as you see they are able to be responsible for caring for their teeth, you are happy to allow them to have sugar (in the form of pop, juice, milk, candy, cookies, other favorite things) but, should they choose not to care for their teeth, you'll understand that they are choosing not to have sugar (tooth rotting substances), and you'll feed them a "tooth-friendly diet" of just good wholesome fresh foods.

Strategy

TTFT (Take time for training)
When they refuse to brush - say "I see you are choosing to not have sugar" and then move right along - don't fight / force / lecture - DROP IT! Don't worry about the effects of one or two or even a week of missed tooth brushing while you are training your child about the connection between this freedom and responsibility.

Mistakes Are Good
Expect your child to make mistakes (to choose not to brush) because that is how we all learn.

Follow Through
Now you must do your part of the consequence: remove the sugar you are feeding your child. This is the hardest part for parents, but this is where the experiential learning happens. When they have demonstrated they can brush as required - they can have sugar again.

Children do not learn from the threat of a consequence - they learn from experiencing the consequence.

Keep A Firm And Friendly Attitude
Don't say anything negative or judgmental like: "If you would have brushed like I told you to" or "see, I knew you'd be mad". Those comments are hurtful and send the message "I was right, you were wrong".