Alyson Schafer - Parent Expert

Needs to Use The Toilet After Tuck-ins

The Situation

I recently received an email from a distraught mother who complained that every night after tuck-in time their 3.5yr old daughter would call out "mooooomy, I have to go peeeeeeeee" even though she was put on the potty right before tuck-in every night.  

The Way I See It.

I suspect that this 3.5 yr old has discovered a behaviour that mom can't ignore.  If she say "I'm thirsty or I'm hungry, mom might be able to disregard the complaint. But what kind of parent wouldn't respond to a toilet-training-tot when they cry out they need to pee?  After all, we don't want to be inconsistent. We don't want to take a step back in training. We don't want them to be wet all night. So we go and put them on the potty again.  No doubt their is a small conversation, an additional tuck in kiss, maybe even a song.  Its really a very social experience for the child. 

( note: This late night bonus socializing is the "usefulness" of this behaviour that sustains the nightly behaviour that we need to address in finding our solution: undue attention-seeking.)

The Immediate Solution

Loss the "pay off" or social benefit of these extra night-time potty visits mom is making by teach the child self-sufficiency. 

During the day, take time for training (T.T.F.T.).  Show your child how to pull their own pants up and down, and practice wiping themselves. Use might find wet wipes are easier for kids than dry toilet paper.  They can wipe first and then you can be the "checker" until you are satisfied they have the manual dexterity to get the job done properly.   

Once they have this skill, you can either put night lights in the hall and explain that they don't need to call you to go to the washroom; "You are so capable! You can go to the toilet and tuck right back in all by yourself!".  

You may also also opt to simply leave a potty in their room with some wet wipes and hand sanitizer ( again after some TTFT). 

Some children find this new limit exciting and what to test it out, however, after a night or two, most children prefer to void before bed and since they no longer have a successful stalling / attention tactic, they just get on with going to bed.   

The Long Term Strategy

As with all the behaviour guidance tips, you're not going to have long term success unless we solve the unmet goal of feeling encouraged. Every child needs to feel secure about their worth and place of belonging in their social group (the family or classroom).  That means parents need to bring on the encouragement and connecting time with our children during those times when they are not demanding our undue attention.  

Expressing Love On Mother's Day: Your Way? or Theirs?

Happy Mother's Day!  What has your family got planned for showing you their love?  Will you be pleased or is it usually a lot of high hopes and then disappointment? 

Dr Gary Chapman, is a marriage counscellor and he wrote a wildly popular book called The 5 Love Languages. The idea of the book is that people have different preferences for the way they like to express and receive their feelings of love.  Funny thing is, we are usually attracted to people that don't share our love language.  Guess that's part of the whole "opposites attracts" theory.  

If you don't know someone's "love language" they may feel unloved or worse, even hurt.   Perhaps your family is trying to send you messages of love on Mother's Day - but just not in your "love language".

Below are the five "love languages" Dr Chapman outlines.  See if you recognize your own, your partners and heck, your childs! Yes, he has written a book just on 5 Love Languages of Children.  If you learn each family members preferred love language you should be able to get closer to one another. So, there you go! Consider that my Mother's Day gift tip to each of you! 

1. Words of Affirmation - You like hearing the actual words "I love you" spoken out loud.  Better yet, tell me why you love me.  Words of criticism or insults leave lasting scares.
2. Quality Time - You want to be shown that you are loved by having someone care enough to stop what they are doing and give you their full undividing attention.  By listening and attending, you know they must care deeply about what is going on in your life.  If they are distracted, or ignore you, postponing importants dates make you feel unloved and unimportant.
3. Receiving Gifts - You are not materialistic, but you see that someone was thoughtful, and put planning, and energy and thought into action to seek out something for you.  It would be hurtful to have your birthday or anniversary forgot.  Lazy purchases like last minute gift cards feels like they didn't care enough to work and sacrifice for you.
4. Acts of Service - If you feel cared for when someone says "let me do that for you", you probably feel loved by acts of service that help take burden off you.  Vaccuming, laundry, helping out feels like they want to be supportive and caring of you.  Conversely, being lazy, and adding burdens to your plate may feel unloving.
5. Physical Touch - Do you want to walk hand in hand? Do you feel loved when someone rubs your back or snuggles along side you while you read? Tactile people want embraces and physical nearness as proof that you want to get as close and near to them as possible.  You want to soothe them.  Alternately, they may feel rejected if their partner wants more personal space, and neglect would be unforgivable. 

Don't Miss The Mommy-Media Event of the Spring!

I am thrilled to be hosting the launch of fellow parenting author and gal pal Kathy Buckworth's latest book  "Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay"

 

Details:

May 7, 2010

6:00-8:00 PM

Summerhill LCBO Events Kitchen

10 SCRIVENER SQUARE

Toronto, Ontario

Right at the Summerhill Subway Station

 

Kathy has a great event planned including fab wines, delicious food (generously donated by Mad Mary’s Catering) and even a cooking demo by Kathy herself (yikes).  What a great opportunity

 to mingle with some of Toronto’s most high profile women and moms, including:

 

Erica Ehm, Publisher, Yummy Mummy Club.ca, Co-Author Mischievous Mom Books

Kimberley Seldon, Guest Expert CityLine, Decorating Editor Style at Home, Author

Patty Sullivan, Writer, Gemini-Award Winning Host, Kids CBC,

Ann Douglas , Author of the best selling Mother of All book series

Theresa Albert, Host, Food Network’s “Just One Bite”

Josey Vogels, Author and Syndicated Sex & Relationship Columnist

 

You'll get a chance to meet some fabulous TwitterMoms & TwitterDads as well.

 

If you live in the Toronto area, and can make it out for the launch, please RSVP to rsvp@keyporter.com, with "Shut Up" in the subject line.  This is an open event.

 

Hope to see you there! 

5 Things To Base A Person's Value On

"You are valuable because ____________________."  

Sometimes parents mistakenly value things in their children that can later prove problematic.  If Jenna was always told she was "the beautiful one" and then has a tragic accident leaving her with disfiguring scars, Jenna may believe her value is lessened because she has lost her beauty.

Be sure when you are valuing your child that is meets these criteria:

1) It can't disappear (with age, disaster, disability, ie - not wealth, beauty or intelligence)

2) Its true of you from birth to death

3) It can't depend on other people ("because my children love me")

4) It must be reasonable value creating (participation and contribution)

5) It must apply to all people regardless of religion, nationality etc... 

When we value our children we are encouraging them.  Pay attention to their efforts and improvements instead of emphasizing outcomes.  Remind them that their current status is sufficient. Notice their strengths and help them find ways to use their strengths in positive ways to benefit others. Now that's valuable! 

Speaking at St Cyril in North York and You're Invited

St Cyril Catholic school in North York is having me present my talk "Why Do My Children Keep Doing That?" A lively presentation using hats as metaphors to describe our children's misbehaviour patterns and offering up various alternate discipline tactics.

St Cyril's is opening the event up to the community for free. Nice eh? Only thing is, you need to reserve your spot and its first come first serve since space is limited.  Here are the details: 

Date: Wednesday May 12th 2010

Time: 7pm - 9pm

Where: St Cyril's Gym 18 Kempford Blvd, North York 

Reservations: send email with subject line "TICKETS" to csac.stcyril@tcdsb.org 

State: Your name, your child's school, how many attending, and number of children requiring childcare.

Tips for Responding to Back Talk

Is your child rude or lippy? Do they talk back to you? Have you ever thought "I would never talk to my parents the way my kids talk to me".  What's going on?

Speaking rudely to a parent in the old days was considered a sign of disrespect, and you were punished for it.  Historical, parenting was characterized by respect flowing only upward.  Even the name "back talk" implies its wrong to reply. Instead:  I talk - you listen and take it.

Since the spread of democratization, the millenial era children are born into a world that embraces the tenant of "respect and dignity for all". Today's children have come to understand that regardless of gender, race, religion or age people have the right to be treated with respect.  

In my experience, children who talk rudely to their parents are children who are spoken rudely to by their parents.  Its retaliatory in nature and says "if you are rude to me, I will be rude to you".   Tit for tat.

Its very difficult for parents to learn ways to be firm in their discipline (establishing and enforcing appropriate limits and boundaries etc) without degrading or demeaning their child.  In fact, its so common place to talk down, or talk rudely to our children we don't even notice it anymore! 

What to do instead? 

1) Watch your own tone, language and keep your own words sparse and positive.  

2) Visit this site or my books to get assistance in applying non-punitive discipline tactics.

3) Our words become weapons in times of conflict.  If things start getting harsh, simply state " I want to talk about this in a respectful manner and that seems to be difficult at the moment. Lets take a break and come back to this when we can approach it more respectfully.

4) If they flip you some attitude, you can acknowledge their feelings with active listening but there is no need to comment or punish their rudeness: 

Child "Why do we have to go? You always ruin my fun..... Jerk"

Parent "You want me to know you're angry at me.  I am sorry if I come across like a party wrecker. Can we talk later about how to make sure you are able to find more of the fun you're looking for?" 

5) Discuss at a family meeting how the overall tone of communicating in the family seems to be slipping into disrespect and brain storm together ways to improve the situation for all.  Its important that children have a response for when parents are being disrespectful, not just address the children's rudeness.

Our family has a code. We say "Level 3" or "take it up a level", a term coined from my children's involvement in the Me to We movement and striving for higher ideals.  Some families have a signal like pulling their ear lobe when they notice tone.  

The important part is the process of discussing and co-create what your family would like to do. Ask your family "what kind of a family do we want to be? because we get to decide for ourselves. Do we like living with this amount of rudeness to one another?" What can we do together to improve matters?"  

When respect is restored, the back talk will cease.

Opsie Doodle - Alyson in London ON

Next week I am speaking in London, Ont about dealing with "discipline resistant" kids as I describe in my book "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids".  I thought I'd give you a little nudge to remember to buy tickets and to tell your friends. But also, (yikers) I happened to noticed that the address for the Wolf Performance Theater was posted incorrectly.  It is 251 Dundas (not 51 Dundas).  Ya, sure you London library patrons know that,  but I'd hate to send the out-of-towners on a goose chase. 

Is anyone is keen on socializing after the talk? Maybe someone from London could recommend a good place to grab a glass of wine or pint in walking distance from the event and we could keep the fun going?  Sound good? Lemme know! 

Alyson Speaks in London Ontario on "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids"

I am looking forward to meeting all the folks who have been calling into The Parenting Show asking me when I am coming to speak in London! Well, I have good news.  I'll be there April 29th to speak on my best selling book " Honey, I Wrecked The Kids".  Details and tickets here. 

Date: Thursday, April 29th, 2010

Time: 7:30 - 9:00 pm

Where:  Wolf Performance Hall 

London Central Library

251 Dundas Street 

Tickets:  $12.00 on-line purchase

or if you prefer to pay cash or cheque, you can obtain tickets through the box office.

Tickets for Alyson's March 4th Talk In Keswick

Come join me for a dynamic talk on my parenting philosophy and discipline methods in dealing with today's "discipline-resistant child" as I present the information in my latest book "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids".  

There will be time for a Q & A and book signing too! An informative and entertaining night to help you amp up your parenting.  Here are the details:

When: March 4th 2010

Where: St Thomas Aquinas HS ( old homestead Rd at Metro Road) in Keswick

Time: 7pm - 9pm

Tickets:  $10 by emailing stafundraiser@live.ca

Why You Shouldn't Say "I'm So Proud of You".

Yesterday, at a mom's group I was speaking about "praise" versus "encouragement".  Typically, parents agree they want to encourage, NOT praise, but inevitably someone will ask me "can't I say I'm proud of you? What's so wrong with that?"

Parents can't seem to imagine dropping this seemingly vital comment from their repertoire.

Well, today my 14yr old daughter gave me a peek into the child's perspective on this when she said to me "Mom, I am so glad you don't say I'm proud of you".  I said "Really? Why is that?" She said "you know how I was trying to get fit and lose some weight? I just told Zoe (her sister) that I lost 2lbs this week and she smiled and said "I'm so proud of you!" and it felt awful. It made me feel like she really does want me to lose weight and be thinner. That she doesn't think I am okay at this weight".

I listened and replied "But I was excited too when you told me about your weight loss. Do you feel I'm judging you too? She answered "No, mom, what you said was totally different.  You said you were excited for me and my accomplishments that I worked hard on. You said you were happy that I got what I was going for.  I loved hearing that support and belief in me".   

I asked Lucy's permission to share her perspective with my parent readers.  I hope some of you feel better dropping the "I'm so proud of you" line now too.   Gosh, I hope Zoe doesn't feel badly reading this. I know she was not intended to make her sister feel badly.  She didn't know the power and message of those words, just like most parents don't. 

Frazzled By Motherhood? My 3 picks for books.

 Today on The Parenting Show I shared three great books for dealing with the dizzying impact of motherhood.  Of special note is Dr Ariel Dalfen's book on post partum depression and post partum anxiety ( PPD and PPA).  

I also recommended Dr John and Julie Gottman's book:  "And Baby Makes Three".  The Gottman's offer a great guide for helping your marriage survive the transition from couple to family and dealing with a baby.  

Yes, I did include my own title: "Breaking The Good Mom Myth".  How could I not?

Mommy, Mommy, I want to be in the Olympics too!

Have you been watching the Olympic coverage as a family? Perhaps you have a child who has been bitten by olympic fever. Check out this article on the CTV.ca Olympic site where I was interviewed about how to respond to your child's new Olympian dreams! 

Divorced? What Your Children Really Want For Valentine's Day

Its coming up to Valentine's Day and lots of articles are being written about ways to show your love. Here is an excerpt from "Helping Children Understand Divorce" by University of Missouri that might give you some ideas about what the children of divorce really want:  

What I Need From My Mom and Dad -  A Child's List of Wants: 

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me. 
• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me.  When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty. 
• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you.  If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parents more than the other. 
• Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
• When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all.  When you say mean, unkind things about my parent, I feel you are expecting me to take your side. 
• Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life.  I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. 

Alyson's "Tell-All" Interview with ParentDish.com

Shelley White of ParentDish.com recently interviewed me for her blog. Usually when I am called by a journalist they want to ask me about something topical like how to potty train, or tips on choosing a summer camp.  

Weirdly enough, Shelley ask me about my parenting and life as a parent educator. What the!?!  If you want a peak at the "tell-all" tale of how I screwed up with the tooth fairy and swimming lessons, check it out here.  Oh there was so much more dirt that could have been unloaded.  Thanks for taking the hush money Shelley. Phew - PR crisis averted.

"Power Struggles - Who's In Charge Here Anyway?" - Alyson's Feb 25th Talk

 If you are struggling with eating issues, bedtime or homework resistance, trouble getting out the door, melt downs and blow ups, acting out, belligerence or "attitude" - this talk is for you!  I'll help you understand the nature of power struggles and techniques for getting out of them.  But I'll make it all funny...

Date: Thursday Feb 25th 2010

Where: Temple Sinai - 210 Wilson Avenue ( 1 1/2 blocks west of Avenue Rd ) 

Time: 7:30 reception & book signing followed by talk from 8pm - 9:30.

Cost: $15 in advance, $20 at the door

Tickets: Through Marcie Goldberg in the Temple Sinai Education Office at 416-487-3281 or marcie@templesinai.net ( Visa and MasterCard are both accepted.)

How Much Sleep Should They Be Getting By Age?

 Tomorrow (Feb. 7th) on The Parenting Show, guest co-host Jacqueline Kovacs and I will be talking about sleep issues.  You can call with your questions, live at 2pm EST (1-877-222-5310).  Since I often get asked "how much sleep should my child should they be getting?" I thought I would post some guidelines by age on my site.  Please remember that every child is different. These ranges are the norms after observing large groups of children. Honour your child's unique sleep needs.

newborns: 16 -20 hours a day

3 weeks: 16 - 18 hours

6 weeks: 15 - 16 hours 

4 months: 9 - 12 hours, plus two napes ( 2 - 3 hrs each)

6 months: 11 hours, plus two naps (1 1/2 hours - 2 1/2 hrs each)

9 months: 11 - 12 hours, plus two naps ( 1 - 2 hours each)

12 months: 10 - 11 hours, plus two naps (1 - 2 hours each)

18 months: 13 hours plus one or two naps ( 1 -2 hours each)

2yrs: 11 - 12 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours) 

3 yrs: 10 - 11 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours)

4-5yrs: 10 - 12 hours (usually no nap) 

6-9yrs: 10 hours

10 - 12yrs: > 9 hours

Teens: 8 - 9.5 hours

Tickets for Thursday Feb 4th Book Talk with Alyson

Watcha doing Thursday night?  Sorry for the short notice, but I am giving a talk at North Toronto Early Years Learning Centre and there is enough room for me to extend an invitation to other parents in the community! 

Feb 4th - "Honey I Wrecked The Kids" ( Followed by a Q&A)

7 - 9pm

North Toronto Early Years Learning Centre 

27 Castlefeild Drive, Toronto 

Tickets are $10 in advance / $15 at the door ( a portion of the proceeds will go to Charity)

email early.years@bellnet.ca or call 416-544-0133

Extending The Early Bird Special For Alyson's Bootcamp

I have about 5 spaces left in this weekends Parenting Bootcamp.  I've extended the early bird rates and if you are a Facebook friend or follow me on twitter, let me know so I can send you an additional 10% discount code when you register.  Just come join us. Why wait any longer to start the benefits of parenting with new tools and techniques that are sure to be effective, and promise to develop a caring and co-opertive child.  Yes, its the slap chop, sham-wow of parent education or your money refunded! Okay, I gotta stop doing my own marketing.

Sue Johanson's Recommendation For Sex Ed Books

How great to have Sue Johanson, Canada's sex guru on The Parenting Show today!  Yes, she has as much energy and enthusiasm off camera as she does on. Hard to believe this Order Of Canada recipient is 80 yrs old! (I think I am allowed to tell people that.)

During our discussion about how parents should talk to their kids about sex, she mentioned two great books:  

Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?

and 

Peter Mayle's What's Happening To Me?

Sue has more resources on her website too.  I also mentioned two great bookstores for parents for any / all topics: ParentBooks and Caversham book store if you're looking for books on more psychological-type issues.  

Happy reading! 

 

The Spanking Debate Continues....

Last week, The National Post ran the front page store "A Spanked Child May Be A Better Adult: Study".   The article mentions that the research is from Calvin College in Grand Rapids Michigan, but downplays the fact that this is a Christian Fundamentalist educational institution.  Its important to know that in their faith,  proverbs such as "spare the rod, spoil the child" are interpreted literally, providing justification that the scriptures instructs them to spank their children. 

Well, if we're being "literal", I would argue that sheep herders do utilize a staff or rod, but do they ever strike their livestock to inflict pain? NO!  The rod is used to tap the back of the sheep; to guide them; to keep then moving in the proper direction. That is why I prefer the word "child guidance" over the word "discipline" because it is less apt to be confused with punishment.  

Sadly, it is still legal to spank in this country, although most every institution dedicated to children and the mental health professionals agree its bad.  The Repeal 43 Committee is working hard to change section 43 of the criminal code.  I hope you take a moment to read their articles and research. I have shared my own thoughts on the"use of appropriate force" too.  

Having said all that, I should also share that I read Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman's NutureShock (a great book by the way) and they also shares their dismay at finding some weird spanking research that they didn't want to believe. It seems the spanking research is back in the limelight again.  I caution you to read the findings and reporting very carefully. 

Alas, I stand firm on my position: its NEVER okay to spank a child. Period. We have other ways of correcting behaviour that are effective with no potential risk and add an element of learning that can be absent from punitive measures.  

Why bother with anything else? Can't we find a better use for our research dollars? Oiy.